I Know What We Can Do

In the aftermath of one of the most atrocious massacres we've ever seen, there has been a lot of talk. Talk of gun control. Talk of mental illness. Talk of family values. We all, understandably, want to figure out what we could have done to prevent something like this from happening, and what we can do to make sure it never happens again.

The awful truth is that we don't have any answers. And even more awful is the notion that no matter what we do, we probably can't completely prevent these violent outbursts from occurring, though we may be able to make them less deadly. We are going to continue talking for some time, and I do sincerely hope that we come up with some viable options to help us deal with all of the problems this massacre has forced us to identify.

But that still leaves me with the question - what can I do? Right now. I want to do something. I've been racking my brain trying to figure this out. And it finally hit me. We are reacting to something specific. And in doing so, we have missed a bigger picture. We are focusing on preventing the kind of senseless death that we have very, very little control over. It makes sense that in the wake of something this horrifying that would be our reaction. But, there are people that die senselessly in this country every day because of things that we actually could have prevented. Easily. I think the best thing we can do to honor the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary School is vow not to throw life away for no reason. If this nightmare has taught me anything it is how very precious our lives really are. I think every time we think of those children and the teachers who died with them, we should make a pledge to never take our own lives for granted:

I will not drink and drive.
I will not let my friends drink and drive.
I will not text and drive.
I will wear a helmet on any two-wheeled vehicle.

Maybe we even think long-term and consider:

I will take care of my cholesterol.
I will take care of my blood pressure. 
I will exercise.
I will check the batteries in my smoke alarm.
I will (try to) quit smoking
I will not go to tanning salons

Would love for you to add to this list in the comments.

Death is all around us, every day. So much of it can be prevented. It is a devastating reality (and that is putting it mildly) that a psychopath with a gun can destroy dozens of lives in a matter of minutes. I will never be able to accept this, as long as I live. And I will continue to encourage and participate in the conversation to help limit the casualties in situations like the one in Newtown, CT. But in the meantime, let's all promise to try and eliminate the preventable deaths we deal with on a regular basis. Let's take control of the things that are actually within our power. Let's take care of ourselves and each other. Let's show the world that we really do value life, and that we are making an effort to preserve it. It's the least we can do.

Facing Our Own Limitations

The day my son was born, I became a superhero. Provider of all needs. Solver of all problems. My superpower is a fierce intuition, instilled in me by the universe to care and protect my baby. To him, there is nothing I cannot do and no answer I do not have. He is still too young to fully understand these concepts, but his innate sense is that I am all he needs to remain happy, healthy, and safe. And in truth, I have convinced myself of these things, too.

As a mother, I have to believe to some extent that I can protect my son from the dangers of the world. I do all the things that mothers are supposed to do - careful carseat installation, cutting food into bite-size pieces, covering outlets and sharp table corners - to ensure that he is safe on a daily basis. I send him to an amazing accredited daycare with staff that I know and trust. I hug him and kiss him and read to him and make sure he knows how special he is and how very, very loved.

I do all that I can. And most days, it feels like it's enough. Most days it feels like I really can take care of this wonderful human being and shield him from the evils of the world. Most days are good days. But then there are other days. Days when I have to face the reality of my limitations. Days when something so devastating happens, something so mind-numbingly awful, that I have to admit that there are atrocities out there that could happen to us, that I am powerless to prevent. It is a terrifying reality to have to face.

Over the last few days, I have caught myself looking at my son with envy. At 16-months-old, he woke up on Saturday morning and his world was exactly as it had been the day before. He knows not of monsters with guns, of slaughtered children, of lives shattered with senseless violence. I look at him and I find I am amazed that innocence still exists. It feels as though the moment those lives were lost, all innocence should have evaporated into thin air. And then I am grateful that it hasn't. That as a parent of a child who is young enough to be oblivious, I can still protect him to some degree, at least for now.

But what of the children who are not too young to know? What about the children across the country who have heard about the shooting who now at seven or eight or nine have to wonder why the grown-ups, who they have always trusted implicitly, couldn't stop this from happening? How do we explain to them that the people they've always known as capable of anything couldn't protect Sandy Hook Elementary School?

In the wake of a tragedy, experts say the most important thing is to reassure children that they are safe. One of the biggest obstacles we all face in moving forward after something as awful as this, is finding a way to make those words feel true.  We, as parents and teachers and caretakers have to be strong enough to make our children and students believe us when we tell them this. It is a particularly challenging task when we ourselves feel so shaken and scared. But this is what caring for children is all about. We hold them tight and we kiss their foreheads and we continue doing the best we can. We find a way to put our own fears aside so we can provide them with the security they need to get through another day. It's not about being all-powerful superheroes, it's about being there for them when they need us. Even when we're struggling ourselves. 

I'm Terrified of Having a Second Child

So, there it is. Right there in the title. My big confession. Matthew is about to be 16-months-old and given that pregnancy takes close to a year and you never know how long it will take to get pregnant, I'm right at the point of starting to think about having my next child. And it absolutely terrifies me.

It's an interesting place to find myself, because I had absolutely no fear before deciding to get pregnant the first time. I know many people worry about the major life change that is coming or the pain of labor or the ways that parenting is going to be difficult, but I didn't feel concerned about any of those things. Sure, I was anxious to see how parenthood would turn out, but my decision to get pregnant came with 100% conviction. I knew I wanted to be a mother and all of the other things seemed trivial in comparison.

This feels different. This time the hardships of parenthood are not unknown. This time I know what to expect and I know to expect it while also having a toddler to care for. This time it is not about becoming a mother, which was a need that trumped everything else. This time it is about enhancing the maternal (and paternal) experience and giving my son a sibling which I believe is the greatest gift we can ever give him.

These are great reasons, but they aren't great enough to drown out the fear. The fear of being too tired to give Matthew the attention he craves. The fear of losing the unbelievable bond that Scott and I currently have with our son. The fear of not loving a second child as much as I love the first. The fear that two children will make it impossible to focus on the grown-up things that we work so hard to focus on now. The fear that I will be unhappy. It's all there. And no matter how much my I know, in my mind and my heart, that I want to have more children, this scared voice is having a hard time being quieted.

So why am I telling you this? I don't usually write from such a personal standpoint, but I thought this was important to share. Not in the hopes that parents who already have two children will find me and reassure me that everything will be okay. In fact, I already know that everything will be okay. I know that it is perfectly normal, and even expected to have these kinds of feelings. I know that some of my fears will disappear the moment a second child is born and that some of things I'm concerned about really will be challenging.  I know that many, many parents before me have gone through this transition and, even with some early struggles, have ultimately come out happier on the other side.

I'm sharing my fears with you because I think one of the hardest pieces in this parenting puzzle is that we don't talk enough. So many experiences that I've encountered on this journey so far - pregnancy, labor, post-partum adjustment - were made more difficult by the fact that there were so many things I just didn't know to expect. For some reason there is a lot that nobody says. I am trying to do my part in opening these avenues of communication. And so if there are people out there reading this who are feeling guilty or worried about the fact that they are scared of leaping into having a second child, I want them to know that they are not alone. Even I, the mom blogger who jumped into motherhood like I was preparing for it my whole life, am afraid. Every big change we make is scary. And there are real legitimate reasons to feel nervous.

What is important is not allowing our fears to stop us from doing the things we want to do. Life changes are always scary, but usually the anticipation is more frightening than the reality. Most importantly, if we're feeling afraid, let's talk about it. Let's realize that everybody feels a little apprehension before heading into these major transitions. Let's ask those who have gone before us for tips on easing into the first weeks and months of a two-child household. Let's not add to our list of fears by being afraid to talk about the things that are concerning us. 

Wishing all my Jewish readers a Happy Chanukkah.

What's With All the Guilt?!

I've noticed a trend among all the mothers I talk to. New mothers, veteran mothers, it doesn't really matter. Everybody seems to be suffering from this same phenomenon: mommy guilt. The mothers who work feel guilty about the time they spend away from their children. The moms who are at home feel guilty about sometimes wishing they were somewhere else. The working moms who don't feel guilty about being away, end up feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. There always seems to be some reason for moms to feel burdened with guilt.

Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? I think there are a few contributing factors. One major piece is that this is a byproduct of the "mommy wars," the comparing and judging that the mom community is constantly engaging in. Women feel guilty because they are concerned that other mothers are criticizing their choices. I would love to say that these women are paranoid, but the truth is this is the culture that exists in parenting today. As I wrote about last month, that heinous murder was committed in Manhattan, and instead of unified support for the family, there were women who took to the internet to point fingers at the mother for her choice to use a nanny. Feeling like there are always other women out there who think you are making a bad choice can be very troublesome for a parent and can lead to feelings of guilt over each and every decision. The thing that we all have to remember is that there will be people who think we are making the wrong choice no matter what choice we make. Mothers who stay at home get ridiculed for having no ambition. Women who work full-time are abandoning their children when they need them most. Women who breastfeed are wonderful but only if they stay in their homes and don't offend others with their feeding rituals. Women who formula feed are poisoning their babies. There is absolutely no way for us to please the masses, so my suggestion would be to not try. It's your life and your family and the decisions you make are the ones you believe are best for all parties involved. End of discussion.

Another reason I think mothers feel guilty is because of this ongoing conversation about a woman's ability to "have it all." People keep wanting to prove that it is possible for a mother to do everything and so when we fall short we fear that it is because we are inadequate, not because it is actually impossible. We all have to make choices based on the needs of our families. In today's economy, staying home full time is not an option for many women. How can we justify feeling guilty about going out and making money in order to provide food and shelter and clothing for our children? For other families it is not a financial decision but rather an understanding on the part of the mother that she will not get the fulfillment she desires if she does not have something in her life that is separate from her role as a parent. We all need to feel content by our lives as a whole. Some people get that feeling from being at home, others do not. It is imperative, as I've said many times, that mothers get to be the best versions of themselves. How else can we expect them to be the best caregivers they can be?

The thing I want all mothers - and all people, really - to remember is that we are human beings first, mothers second. Yes, our children are the most important thing in the world to us. And yes, our role as mother is the most important role we fill. But we still have to be ourselves. We still have to live our own lives and participate in activities that excite us and continue to explore and learn and indulge. Our life's journey does not end the day we become parents. We do not commit to completely losing ourselves in our new family. Rather, we add a new dimension to the ways in which we can experience joy. This does not mean that the old ways disappear. It just means we may not have as much time to focus on the other things. We may not travel as often or write as many blog posts or read as many books. But, when the opportunity to do those things comes along, jump on them. And do not feel guilty for a moment.

Oh the Places Being a Mom Will Take me...Or How I Wound Up On Stage With Joseph Gordon-Levitt

It never ceases to amaze me the ways that motherhood has changed my life. I feel like I am still myself and yet the mother part of me has been incorporated into the old me to create this new person. Last night all the different parts of me came together for a wonderful few moments.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I spent my high school and college years acting and that I continued for a few years after graduation. In 2007, I decided to switch gears and get my masters and I pushed a lot of my creative energy down to make room for a more pragmatic lifestyle. I love being a social worker but I have definitely felt something missing over the years. To that end, I have continued writing in my spare time, and blogging was the first way I found to connect to something and to fill the void that acting has left behind. Then, about a month ago, I discovered hitrecord.org.

Hitrecord is an online artists collaborative founded by Joseph Gordon-Levitt that allows creative spirits of all kinds to connect and make bigger and better art together. Writers post stories that can then be illustrated; illustrators post drawings and musicians write songs about them. It is an amazing way for people all over the world to find other like-minded artists and work together. It has been a haven for me since I found it. I spend hours on the site, finding illustrations to write about and being inspired by the amazing talent of this community.

So when I discovered that Joe (as JGL is known in this world) was taking the show on the road AND that one of the stops was Philadelphia AND that it was a night that Scott was on vacation, I decided all signs were pointing to me buying us tickets.  And so I did. But, I didn't really know what the live show would entail and so I bought us tickets waaaay up in the second balcony of the Kimmel Center's Merriam Theater. I learned as the day got closer from other artists in the community that it's a very interactive show and that being in the orchestra makes it much easier to be involved. Oh well, I thought. I just want to see the magic live.

When we arrived at the theater, the pre-show screen was asking questions pertaining to the night's theme of "the road." One such question asked audience members to tweet responses to what kinds of non-asphalt roads/paths they've traveled down. I decided to do as they asked and tweeted the following "@tqbarbash: On a sometimes bumpy road w amazing twists and turns and incredible views and stops along the way. I call it motherhood #hitrecordontheroad" And then I thought nothing of it.

When the show started, Joe came out to lots of fanfare and screaming. As soon as the show began, he said that what he wanted to do tonight was talk about the road. "In fact someone was just writing something that I like, that I want to talk to this person, named tqbarbash. Are you here?" I was pretty sure that being all the way up where I was he was just going to tell me to forget it, but he didn't. He said "well let's go, hustle down here, I want to talk to you" And then I joined him on stage and spent 3 minutes or so talking to a crowd of nearly 1900 people about motherhood and the way the road shifts and your destination changes but it's totally awesome. He was lovely and genuine and I am honored that he took the time to talk about the journey of being a mom.

Here is the piece I posted on the site about the experience: Motherhood - On The Road

And here is a youtube link of the clip (he calls me down around 2:25, and then I actually get to the stage around 4:45) The audio isn't great and the person who filmed it had the camera sideways for some reason, but for now this is the only version I have. TQB and JGL

UPDATE*** Here is a much better video TQB and JGL 2

Enjoy!
xo, tqb

A Matter of Perspective

This is going to be a short post. I don't have much to say today, but the last 7 days have been such a whirlwind of devastation that I felt the need to say something.

Never in my life have I been handed such a heaping dose of perspective. A week that started with the senseless killing of two innocent children and evolved into the worst devastation we've ever seen in the Northeast of the United States.

I've woken up every day this week and taken a moment to acknowledge how lucky I am. I have found myself shrugging my shoulders at things that would ordinarily bother me, with a new attitude of "no matter how bad I feel right now, it could be much worse." I am the first person to say that it is not healthy or even possible to go through life constantly comparing our situations to others and denying ourselves our feelings because others are suffering. However, in this case, given the proximity of all of this horror, I am aware of the fragility of life more than I ever have been and I am using this opportunity to remind myself how fortunate I am. I am sure that as time goes on this new found perspective will fade a little, but I hope not to lose sight of the fact that every day with the people I love is a gift I should be grateful for. You just never know what tomorrow will bring.

Text "red cross" to 90999 to donate $10 to hurricane relief efforts. (donation will be tacked onto your cell phone bill)

The Mommy Wars End Here

I have been wanting to write a piece about the vision I have for a new culture of mommies. I had the whole thing written in my head, laying out my new rules of how we need to treat each other as mothers. I was going to pick apart some of the issues that we tend to give each other a hard time about - i.e., feeding, and sleeping, and working- in the hope of refocusing our collective energy towards helping one another instead of criticizing.

But, I haven't gotten around to it yet. And now something so horrible has happened that I can barely put two words together on the subject. If you happen to have no connection to the Upper West Side of Manhattan then maybe you missed the horror story that unfolded yesterday evening, October 25th. The story of a mother who returned home with one of her children to find the other two had been killed by their nanny. I can tell you that no mother who heard the news slept very well last night, if at all. People keep saying that it's a mother's worst nightmare, but it's not true. Mothers' nightmares are made up of SIDS and choking and car accidents, as it is always unimaginable to have to live through the loss of a child, under any circumstances. But, even the darkest places of our subconscious don't allow us to delve into the horror that is now this family's reality.

This tragedy is so unfathomable, so far beyond what we can even begin to comprehend. And because of that, I understand that it is our natural instinct to try and find any way to prove to ourselves that this could never have happened to us. To find some shred of evidence that there is actually some reason why this happened to this family.

But, though I understand this tendency, I will not accept it. I will not allow the holier-than-thous out there to desecrate the memories of these children with their vicious words. I read this quote from the NY Times this morning and felt every muscle in my body tense up with anger.

"Horror immediately swept through online forums for parents. Urban Baby, a chat site with a heavy following among affluent Manhattan and Brooklyn mothers, lit up with comments and stinging criticism, with some questioning why some stay-at-home mothers need nannies and others arguing that mothers who choose to work are asking for trouble" 

This needs to stop and it needs to stop NOW. This incessant need to judge and criticize other mothers is bad enough when parents are made to feel bad about using an epidural or formula feeding or going back to work. But to suggest for even one moment that any mother, no matter how poor you think her choices are, somehow deserves to lose her children is completely outrageous and unbearably cruel.

The mommy wars stop here. There is nobody in the world who can understand the horror of this situation more than a mother. Our thoughts and our prayers and whatever else it is that we put out into the universe need to be with this family. We need to hug our children a little tighter and be thankful for all the things we have. We need to make a vow not to take anything in our lives for granted.

And beyond everything else, we need to be sure not to use this as an opportunity to be smug about what kind of mothers we are. This is a tragedy and tragedy can befall any of us at any moment. Being a wonderful mother is not the issue here. And besides, who cares if you are a good mother if you are a despicable human being?

My mind, body and soul are all in mourning for the Krim family. May you find some comfort in the days ahead and some light to help find your way through the unfathomable darkness.

The Problem with the "It Gets Better" Campaign

Let me start off by saying that I absolutely love the It Gets Better Project. For those unfamiliar, this campaign is a series of videos, spearheaded by Dan Savage, collecting stories from former victims of bullying. These individuals are now past their years of torment and they are reaching out to current sufferers to offer them the reassurance that it - life - does get better. These videos remind young people that the world they live in at this moment is a temporary and sheltered one. Though it can seem like hometown, USA is all there is, the world really does have much more to offer and the possibilities are truly endless on the other side of high school. It is a beautiful message and one that was and is desperately needed, particularly after a string of young gay men took their own lives in response to the merciless harassment they were being forced to endure. There is no question that this campaign has saved lives.

What, then, could possibly be the problem? Well, this is a parenting blog. I write this blog because I recognize that since the day I became a mother, I've begun looking at life through a different lens. And so I find myself wondering what the message of It Gets Better is to me, as a mother. On the one hand, there is the same positive application that exists for the young people it is geared towards. It provides us as parents with some comforting words to speak to our children if and when they are the victims of bullying. It allows us to acknowledge that their situation is awful and, without making excuses for it, reassure them that one day they will be out of the grips of their tormenters. It even may provide us with some relief to know that others like our children have not only survived, but that they are thriving.

On the other hand, however, I fear that the concept of "it gets better" may release us from our obligation to do something about this NOW. The point is that time marches on, circumstances change and situations will improve - all of which is true even if we do absolutely nothing. And while there is comfort in that notion - that no matter what, it won't be like this forever - I don't want to be absolved of my responsibility to work towards making the world a little safer for my son. I don't want children to think that bullying is just something they have to live with. I want to see the mothers and fathers, teachers and coaches continue to actively and unrelentingly fight against this epidemic.

I believe it is true that there will always be bullies. There will always be people who are insecure and who find their own self-worth in the degradation of others. There will also always be adults who are filled with ugly hatred and pass it down to their children as surely as they pass their genetic coding.  But that doesn't mean that we ever get to be complacent about it. The problem with "It Gets Better" is not in the campaign itself, it is in the way we may (mis)interpret it. We need to be careful not to confuse the light this project shines with the message that we must accept the darkness. Life will get better for children who are bullied, but the culture that exists in our schools and on our playgrounds will not if we do no't continue to wage war against it.

It's Time to Talk About Sex

I have been wanting to write a blog post about sex - sex and pregnancy, sex and parenthood - for a long time. But, being that this is a personal blog, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to start a frank conversation without being too transparent about the details of my own sex life. However, I have been doing this parenting blog for over a year and I have had the incredible opportunity to speak with many mothers along the way that I now feel I have collected enough anecdotal information to be able to write knowledgeably without relying solely on my own experiences.

So here goes. Sex. It's one of those things that is extremely personal and person-specific. Our sexual encounters are unique from the moment we start having them, and introducing the life experiences of pregnancy and motherhood does not change that at all. Sitting in a room with ten new mothers would probably yield ten different reactions to questions about having sex while pregnant. Some women are too nauseous during the first trimester to be even remotely in the mood for sex. Others are so overly concerned with miscarrying that they can't engage in sexual behavior in the early weeks, even though there is absolutely no evidence linking intercourse to loss of pregnancy. Some women describe intense arousal and very vivid sexual dreams during the second trimester; others don't experience this at all. By the third trimester, some women are so uncomfortable in their new, larger bodies, that the idea of sex is ridiculous to them. But for some women, feeling attractive to their partners at this stage is so important that they find themselves craving sex to the very end. Most women have some combination of several different feelings when it comes to sex and pregnancy.

Experiences also vary significantly in regards to feelings surrounding postpartum sex. There are women who come skipping home from their 6-week postpartum gynecological exam ready to get back on the horse as soon as they've gotten the okay from their doctors. Other women are still having a hard time standing for more than a few minutes and jut the thought of sex makes them wince. Some women fall somewhere in the middle, feeling stronger every day, but not necessarily ready to proceed down that road yet. Different deliveries will yield different physical changes - c-sections will differ from vaginal deliveries, episiotomy recovery won't be the same as natural or no tearing. Some women have one experience with their first delivery and an entirely different one with their second. It is impossible to know how you will feel, both physically and emotionally until you are there.

A few things to keep in mind about sex, through pregnancy and the postpartum months:

1. Your partner can't read your mind.
Being pregnant and birthing a child are experiences unlike any other. The conflicting emotions and hormonal ups and downs can make a woman feel completely out of control. On the one hand there is excitement and anticipation. On the other, fear and worry. Sometimes, there is an overwhelming rush of emotion that cannot be connected to anything specific. Additionally, there is also physical discomfort from itchiness to heartburn to back pain during pregnancy to all the soreness of postpartum recovery after the baby is born. It may seem incredibly obvious to you on a particular evening that sex is not in the cards, but unless you tell your partner, he* cannot possible know that. It is important to be able to talk about sex openly and honestly.  If you are feeling too much physical discomfort to have sex, let him know. If emotionally, you don't feel like you could handle it, talk about it. If you feel unattractive and are repulsed by the idea of sex, bring it up. You may even find that your partner is able to help you work through some of that by helping you see yourself through his eyes. The point is, don't expect your partner to know how you are feeling if you don't tell him. This whole pregnancy thing is a mystery to you both, but only one of you knows what it actually feels like.

2. Manage expectations.
One of the biggest misconceptions that gets couples into trouble is this notion that a woman will be ready to resume sexual activity six weeks after delivery. Six weeks is the minimum amount of postpartum recovery time recommended by obstetricians and gynecologists. However, when sitting in childbirth classes or reading through hospital FAQs it is sometimes misinterpreted - by mothers and their partners alike - as more of an exact date. All couples should recognize that it may take longer than 6 weeks for a woman to be ready to have sex again. Even if the doctor says a woman is physically ready to go, she may not feel quite ready yet. It is a good idea for everyone involved to manage these expectations ahead of time. Having a conversation before heading to the doctor is a good place to start. Check in with yourself and with your partner and discuss how you will feel if the doctor gives you the green light. Do you feel you are ready? Do you need a little more time? What's causing the apprehension? You may want to prepare some questions to ask the doctor to make sure all of your fears are addressed before returning home to your partner. By being proactive about this conversation, you are ensuring that no one will be disappointed by a reality that falls short of the expectations set forth months earlier, before either of you knew how you'd be feeling.

3. Engage in other romantic activities.
We tend to spend a lot of time focusing on things we don't have. There are some couples who, for one reason or another, have very little sex during pregnancy. Others have plenty of sex during pregnancy but then need months before attempting sex after the baby is born. No matter what the scenario, most couples will notice the lack of sex at one time or another, particularly the partner who is not experiencing the other physical and emotional sensations that account for this period of abstinence. Focusing on this lack of sex can lead to a strain on a relationship, especially if it isn't replaced with other forms of intimacy. Make sure to carve out a little couple time during these early stages of parenthood. Whether it be snuggling on the couch or sharing dinner and conversation (it can most definitely be take-out), try and grab 30 minutes here and there to really connect. It doesn't have to be anything major, but continuing to find time to bond with your partner is particularly important with a new baby, especially when sex is on hold for a while.

Also, don't mistake bonding time with the baby for bonding time with your partner. It is easy to feel that time spent playing with the new baby is nurturing the couple relationship since it is time together and both partners get so much joy out of their joint love of the new baby. And while this play time is incredibly special, and is helping to strengthen the new family dynamic, it does not replace the attention that the couple relationship still needs and deserves.

4. Be patient and take it slow. 
Perhaps the most difficult and confusing thing about sex post-childbirth is that all the parts of a woman's anatomy that were, up until this point, used solely for sexual pleasure - namely, the breasts and vagina - have suddenly become the vessels through which life is born and sustained. It is a very bizarre reality to truly understand for the first time, and it is one that we don't do a very good job talking about as a society. It can be quite tricky for both the new mom and her partner to relate to these body parts in the same way they did before. Try not to feel rushed to get back to the way things were pre-baby. Give yourselves time to readjust and find ways to adapt to your new, temporary circumstances. You may need to make some changes to the way you have sex, at least for a little while. Certain favorite positions may be too painful for a little while, so take time to find ones that work. New, larger, milk-heavy breasts may need more support, and wearing a bra during sex may be more comfortable. Be prepared to be vocal with your partner about what you need, as he may naturally proceed as he always has, requiring you to be very clear about what is or is not working for you.

5. Time heals. 
I recognize that reading some of these points as an expectant parent can be a little scary. It's likely that some of these things have not occurred to you yet, and that some of the issues that I've mentioned seem pretty upsetting. So, I will take a page directly out of my own experience to reassure you of one thing: time heals. The pain and discomfort, the weirdness about breastfeeding and having sex, the balance of sharing your body with your child and your partner - it all gets easier and better with time.

I really believe that part of what makes all of this so difficult is that we don't talk about it enough. Couples find themselves at this new crossroads with absolutely no idea of what to expect. My goal here is to address some of the things that can be surprising, so that people are better prepared for what lies ahead.



*I use male pronouns for partners throughout this article for convenience and because it reflects my own experience. I recognize that there are many women who live the role of partner to a pregnant woman and there is no reason why these points wouldn't apply to those couples as well.

Reflections on a Year

And just like that....my baby is one. I have absolutely no idea how this happened. I have caught myself several times today lost in thought, thinking back to where I was and what I was doing exactly one year ago. In some ways it feels like it was yesterday and in other ways it's hard to believe that there was ever a time when I didn't know what it felt like to be a mother. This year has been filled with so many experiences and all the emotions that go with them. Watching my son's development, seeing the wheels in his mind turning and working things out has been incredible to witness. He is constantly exploring, using each and every sense to take in the world (though touch and taste are clear favorites). And as I was sitting and thinking about all the things his little brain has learned in the last year, I realized that I, too, have taken in a tremendous amount. Being a mother has taught me so many things - about myself and about life - and I am so grateful to be here, looking back over the first year of this parenting journey.

Being up early is kind of awesome. 
I have lived my whole life as a night person. In college, I rarely signed up for classes before noon. When I was pregnant, one of the biggest anxieties I had was about the early wake up time that comes with having children. It wasn't so much the sleep deprivation in the beginning that worried me, but rather I thought a lot about what would happen once the baby was sleeping through the night, but was waking up for the day at 6am. I was very nervous about how I would manage to start my day that early, particularly on the weekends. As it turns out, I like being up early. I love walking through the neighborhood at 8am and taking care of errands before the old me would have even considered being out of bed. I love having a little time before work to relax and play with my son.  I'm so used to it now that sometimes I even wake up before he does and I can enjoy some quiet time with a cup of tea and the New York Times. The hours between 6:30am and 8:30am have become my favorite of the day. There are still days when I hear Matthew babbling in his crib ready to start the day and all I can think is 'please go back to sleep.' And when the grandparents are in town and offer to spend time with him so I can stay in bed an extra hour or two, I usually accept it. But, most of the time, when I need it to be, my body is ready to go when he is, and we share some of our most special moments in those hours before we leave the house.

Careful what you brag about.
First of all, bragging about your child's accomplishments, especially to other new moms, is somewhat insensitive. If you're talking to a mother whose daughter is very fussy about eating and you're going on about how your son eats anything you put in front of him, she may not be all that excited to hear it. New mothers are often insecure about how well they're doing as parents, and how well their children are developing, and it can be especially difficult to hear how another child is excelling in the very areas they are concerned about. But aside from that, bragging about your child is a bad idea because things change in a heartbeat when it comes to babies. A child who is eating well may suddenly refuse food entirely. A child who has been sleeping through the night may start waking up every few hours. My advice here is less about annoying your friends and more about not getting too confident. Babies have a funny way of being unpredictable, and it is usually right when parents start getting comfortable with a routine that things change. There are many reasons why sudden changes occur - illness, teething, growth spurt, etc - but it's not always so obvious which one it is or how long it will last. The good news is that often these things correct themselves quickly. Once the tooth comes in or the illness passes, a child will typically revert back to the former behavior. But, still, I've learned that it's good practice not to take a baby's habits for granted, as you never know when they might change.

Instincts are incredible, but learning when to ignore them is crucial. 
Maternal instincts are crazy. In the beginning I could not believe that my husband managed to sleep through all of our son's night crying. There would be mornings when Matty was two weeks old that my husband would look at me and say "Wow, Matthew slept through the night?" and I would look at him icily and say "No, he was up 3 times." I knew it was a good thing that Scott was able to sleep through it, as he was not on leave and still needed to function at work. But, I couldn't understand how it was possible that he didn't hear it. Until one night my mother came to visit. And she slept in Matty's room and I pumped a bottle for the 3am feeding. And I slept right through the night. When I asked my mother how the night had been she said he cried for a while after his bottle before falling back to sleep. I hadn't heard a thing. I realized that my instincts were so sharp, that as long as I knew my son needed me, I'd hear him. But as soon as I'd secured a substitute for an evening, I allowed myself to sleep.

It was a fascinating discovery and it made me really appreciate the brilliance of the universe for giving mothers this way of being so in sync with our children's needs. For the first months of a child's life, we rely heavily on these instincts. We don't know what our children are trying to tell us and we have to just feel our way, trusting these instincts and our internal intuition. The problem is that as our children get older, we need to learn when to turn these instincts off, or at least how to ignore them. As infants, all our babies need is our love and protection. They need to be held and cuddled so they learn that we are here for them. But, as they get older, they need to start learning some things on their own. As the months pass, babies are ready to teach themselves to self-soothe. They are ready to play with other children and be comfortable with other adults. Our instincts may be screaming not to leave our crying babies at daycare or to go take them out of their cribs and rock them to sleep. Those same instincts that were so reliable in the early months are now actually impeding our ability to do what's best for our children's long term development. This is perhaps one of the hardest things I've had to learn as a mother.

Schedules are great. Flexibility is better.
I am a big believer in schedules. When my son was first born, I was incredibly eager to get us into some semblance of a routine. We started bathing him daily very early on because I wanted to establish a nighttime routine from the get-go. The schedule wasn't really possible until he was sleeping through the night and even then it took quite a while for him to nap at the same time each day. When we finally got to a point where he was eating his meals and drinking his bottles and napping set times each day, I realized that our lives were dictated by his schedule. Every time I wanted to make plans on the weekend I had to factor in when Matty would need to nap and when he would need to eat. Between the sleeping the bottles and the actual mealtime, it was almost impossible to do anything without it interfering with our timetable. I realized quickly that I was going to need to be a parent who didn't live my life by the schedule. As I've mentioned many times, finding ways to continue to be myself while also being a mother has been really important to me. I couldn't accept passing up time with friends every weekend because of a nap. However, I also recognize the importance of the routine and the fact that he really needs all the pieces of his day in order to happy and healthy and functioning well. But, he doesn't necessarily need them at exactly the same time. Or in exactly the same order. So, he sticks to the schedule most days. But on the special occasions days - days we're spending with family or friends, holidays, birthday parties, etc - we play with it a little bit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it has allowed us to participate in life in a way that we wouldn't have been able to if we were slaves to the schedule.

I can't do everything.
This is probably the most important thing I've learned in the last 12 months. It is a mantra that I repeat to myself daily, if not multiple times a day. I can't do everything. This is, of course, true of all people, but after having a child we have to come to terms with a new reality as far as what we are going to be able to accomplish in a 24-hour period. My dishes definitely sit in the sink longer than they used to. I haven't read a book in a very long time. I don't get to write blog posts nearly as often as I'd like. Sometimes, when I'm watching television, I feel guilty knowing that there are probably fifty other things I could be doing. And sometimes, I really should be doing them. But other times, that time in front of the TV or on the phone or having a glass of wine is crucial to my sanity. I try really hard to make sure I am taking care of myself, because I know that I can only be the kind of mother I want to be if I am. My son benefits way more if I am happy than if all of the laundry is folded.  I do what I can. Sometimes I could do a little more, and I try to push myself to get things done on the nights when I'm feeling a little more energized. But I also try not to beat myself up if I didn't get to a task on my to-do list. I just can't do everything.

Weighing In on Having It All

In the last few weeks, the discussion about whether or not it is possible for women to “have it all” has resurfaced, with a vengeance. I read this article in the Atlantic two weeks ago and thought it was really brave of Anne-Marie Slaughter to speak so candidly about how she felt stuck between a rock and a hard place when it came to balancing her intense Washington job and her two teenage boys. I appreciated the fact that she brought up and argued against some of the points Sheryl Sandberg made in her TED seminar, addressing the unfortunate fact that women are often made to feel like they are to blame when they are unable to do everything. 

Last week, the news came out that Marissa Mayer, formerly of Google, will be taking over as the CEO of Yahoo – effective immediately – and that she is six months pregnant with her first child. The announcement has led to much conversation about what kind of precedent Mayer will set as a high-profile mother and executive. She has already explained that she does not plan on allowing maternity leave to take her out of the game for too long, and that even when she’s out, she'll still have one foot in the door. 

I don't know Marissa Mayer. I imagine she is an incredibly intelligent, resourceful and talented woman to have made it as far as she has. However, I also think that the strangest thing about pregnancy is how we are so intensely anticipating something that we cannot even begin to fathom. The changes that occur immediately after giving birth cannot be understood until they are felt. The thing about Mayer’s comments that worry me are that they are spoken without any acknowledgment of the hormonal shift that happens at this time. How Mayer will deal with this influx of emotions is entirely unknown, even to Mayer herself. However, even with this uncertainty, Mayer feels confident talking about how available she will be in the weeks after her son is born. Whether or not she is able to maintain the connection to her work that she's proclaimed she will is yet to be seen. But, by making these comments so publicly she has already sent a message, not only to other women but, possibly more importantly, to the men we work with, that maternity leave need not be a full break from the workplace. 

Many women would counter this point by arguing that maternity leave absolutely needs to be a full break from the workplace. They would go on to say that someone like Marissa Mayer can afford to hire nurses and nannies and housekeepers and that it is preposterous to hold other women to the same standards as someone who has that kind of flexibility. These statements are fair and accurate, and I understand why women feel frustrated by the fact that they are being asked to live up to unattainable expectations set by women at the very top of their fields. But I must also point out in light of the Atlantic discussion that that this model does not necessarily constitute having it all. We need to be very clear about how we define this particular expression. I think for most of us, the term suggests that it is possible to not only have children, but to give them the time and attention they need while also getting our jobs done efficiently. If this were not the case than Ms. Slaughter would not have found herself in such a difficult position. But after years of having her husband bear the brunt of the workload at home, she realized that she did not have it all - she mostly only had work. Similarly, Ms. Mayer's statements regarding her leave and her plans to work throughout it lead me to believe that the people who are looking to her to prove that it is possible to "have it all" should start looking elsewhere.

Ms. Mayer states that the board members at Yahoo "showed their evolved thinking" by hiring a pregnant woman. My feelings on this are bound to be unpopular. I know that women have been fighting long and hard to create these exact opportunities.  I think women are absolutely as capable as men and should be allowed to prove themselves in any field they wish to be a part of. But, I don’t necessarily think it was forward-thinking or advisable to hire a woman who is pregnant with her first child to do this particular job.
 
It is no secret that Yahoo is struggling. They need someone at the helm who is going to be able to give them all of her attention. I'm not saying that Mayer won't be able to figure it out. It is very possible she will, particularly because she can afford to have a lot of help. And I am glad that we live in a world where people can appreciate a woman's talent and realize that she is the person they want leading them. But, as I stated earlier, there is no way to know what kind of reaction Ms. Mayer, or any woman, is going to have to motherhood. Clearly, she believes she will be able to bounce back quickly and that staying connected to her job won't be too difficult. It is possible that she knows herself well enough to be able to predict this, but it is also quite possible that she does not. This kind of unknown paired with the intense needs of a company like Yahoo, isn't an ideal combination. It doesn't leave Ms. Mayer with much room to have any kind of experience other than a very smooth one, which is not necessarily realistic.  

Somewhere along the way the words "hormones" and "emotional" became synonymous with "weakness" when it came to women in the workforce. Women had to prove that they weren't going to fall apart in a meeting just because they were menstruating. In overcoming this stigma, we now find ourselves at the other extreme. We've worked so hard to show that we can control our hormones that we are afraid to admit that something major happens to a woman when she has a baby. When I read Mayer's plan for maternity leave, it sounded to me like a woman who is desperately trying to prove that she won't be weakened by the act of having a baby, that it will be just another hurdle she is sure to overcome. 

I worry that we live in a world where we are afraid to acknowledge what a big deal it is to become a mother. Women should absolutely be afforded the same opportunities as men, but we also need to be honest about when choices are necessary. I know for certain that I could not be a CEO of a major corporation and also be the kind of mother I want to be. I don't think that means that I am being slighted or punished for being a woman. It just means that there aren't enough hours in the day to make it possible for me to do both of those things. 

Marissa Mayer already knows that her job is incredibly important to her. She doesn't yet know how her feelings will play into her role of being a mother. Only once she discovers that can she truly plan how she wants to split her time. Whatever she chooses, I hope she feels satisfied. Ultimately it is finding satisfaction in whatever balance we are able to achieve that I think is the goal. As Ms. Slaughter discovered, sometimes we need to reevaluate our own satisfaction and make some different choices.

I Thought It Was Supposed to Get Easier

So here I am, almost 11 months into motherhood, and I'm thinking I've pretty much got the hang of it. We have our routine down, we (usually) manage to get out of the house on time in the morning and in bed on time in the evening. We keep to a pretty solid schedule, but I'm not opposed to messing with it a bit for the sake of getting out and socializing. Matty's eating like a champ and crawling all over. He's deep into his exploratory phase, putting his hands on anything in his reach and his mouth on anything that's not nailed down.  He's growing too fast for me, but that is to be expected, and probably won't ever stop.

Overall, I feel about a thousand times more comfortable with this mom gig than I did eleven months ago. Even the logistical things that used to make me hyperventilate (how are we going to get all of that into the car!?) are starting to freak me out less. I would say that things have definitely gotten easier. Except for one thing.

I did not take into account the shift that happens when a baby starts being more aware of his surroundings. Leaving Matty at daycare, putting him down on the floor after I carry him in from the car, even laying him down on my bed in the morning after I take him out of his crib - it is all cause for intense crying. This happy-go-lucky kid is suddenly very, very aware of when I am leaving him - even if it's just to walk across the room and he does not like it one bit.

I have always heard that around nine months babies start to develop separation anxiety, so this did not come as a total surprise. However, I've been thinking back to the first time I left Matty at daycare. It was a difficult experience, but the difficulty was all mine. I was sad to be leaving him. I was sad to go back to work. I was sad to be missing out on things. He, on the other hand, didn't know the difference. He was in a fun place with fun toys and he was perfectly happy. He had no understanding of my leaving and so once I got used to the idea of leaving him, the actual act of walking out the door was no big deal. Fast forward 7 months, and things have drastically changed. He knows exactly what's going on when I leave and he's not always so cool with it. Suddenly that walk out the door is a painful exchange of looks where I can see the pleading in my son's eyes saying "no, Mommy, please don't go." Amazingly, this sadness reached its height right after my husband and I left him with his grandparents for the weekend. I am always in awe of the intelligence babies have and the way they can translate experiences.

So, what's my point? Well, I like to find the lessons of parenthood along the way, and here is the one I've found in this new territory. Babies respond directly to how we behave. When a baby falls down the best thing to do is smile and say "boom! you're ok!," and clap our hands and make it seem like no big deal. It's when the grown ups start gasping and making a fuss that a kid will start crying (unless there's a real injury), because babies really do take our lead. So, as hard as it may be (and sometimes it's really, really hard), the best thing to do is just act like everything is fine. Every morning I drop my son off, and when it's time for me to go, I give him a kiss and I say goodbye and I tell him I'll be back at the end of the day. No drama. No drawn out goodbyes. Just a matter-of-fact exit. And when I realize he's going to start crying, I remind him again that I'll be back later, and then I go. I don't look back and I don't peek in (mostly because I consider that to be self-torture, although most often if I did look, I'd see that he's stopped crying within seconds of me walking out the door).

As I've always said, there is no right way to do this parenting thing. Different things really do work for different people, so I'm not suggesting this is the only way. Find something that works for you,  and go with it. The only thing I will caution against is this: it may seem like a good idea to sneak out so that the baby doesn't have a chance to get upset. Sometimes the thought of seeing that look and watching a baby cry is so distressing, that parents decide to leave while the child is looking the other way. The problem is that these early months are all about building trust. It's important for our babies to know that we leave them in the morning, but that we come back for them at night. Saying goodbye may be a rough moment, but it's a necessary one, as well. To be gone with no warning makes our children think that we can just disappear at any moment, which is an incredibly scary and anxiety-inducing notion.

These moments of sadness at separation are tough. Especially when reflecting on the fact that in the early days it was so much easier. But, it's also a good time for me to help my son understand that goodbye is not forever. I am teaching him now that he can trust that I will be there for him. I may have to go away sometimes - for work, or a trip with Daddy - but I will come back to him. In the long run, it's a really important thing for him to know, and I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to prove it to him now.

My Two Cents on Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting has become quite a hot topic in the last few weeks. The TIME magazine cover has sparked a pretty roaring debate across the country about the methods of certain parents, particularly when it comes to the number of months they spend breastfeeding their children. However, if we are being honest, the first thing we have to admit is that most people – myself included – don’t know very much about this philosophy of parenting. For many people, the first real exposure they’ve had to this school of thought was a picture of a toddler dangling from his mother’s breast on the cover of a magazine. One can understand why that might have caused a strong reaction.

However, that cover is not the whole story, and in fact, I’m not even sure it’s really a part of the story. That picture was used specifically to get the response it has gotten. It was clearly going to bother people and that is usually what generates the most conversation. And it certainly has done that, so, mission accomplished. 

But, from an outsider perspective, the biggest problem with that photo is that it has completely taken the intimacy out of the experience of nursing. I remember having a conversation with one of my religious studies teachers in high school about the behaviors of some religious men in our neighborhood. I recall distinctly her telling me that I cannot and should not judge the entire religion based on people who practice it. It is a lesson that stuck with me, and it comes to mind today, when looking at attachment parents. From my limited understanding of the attachment theory, the idea is all about closeness and nurturing. I know nothing about the woman on that cover or her relationship with her children, but I know that picture does not send a message of closeness and nurturing. However, allowing ourselves to believe that this one photo of this one woman represents everything there is to know about attachment parenting is a big mistake.

In this Huffington Post article written by Alanis Morissette she discusses the most basic ideas behind attachment parenting. She addresses some of the issues that she knows people have, and touches on others that she acknowledges are worthy of a bigger conversation. I am not saying that I agree 100% with everything she has said, nor do I think this article is the end all of attachment parenting. But, I think it explains a lot of aspects of the theory that many people are unaware of. I recommend that all parents or parents-to-be read this article. For parents who think they may be interested in attachment parenting, this article may give you some insight into its benefits. For parents, like myself, who do not subscribe to this particular method of parenting, it is always a good idea to understand what is out there.

Most importantly, I think that we, the mothers of the world, need to start playing for the same team. Whether we nurse our children for 3 months, 30 months or no months. Whether our children sleep in our beds, in bassinets, or in cribs in their own rooms. We are all working the same job here. We are making the choices that we think are best for our children, and, as Alanis points out, for ourselves. We need to stop fighting each other. Let’s start giving other parents the benefit of the doubt that they have done their research and that the decisions they’ve come to make the most sense for them and their children. And let’s not judge entire philosophies based on a single photo.

A Few Things I Want to Tell My Son

It's so interesting to talk to soon-to-be-parents about their thoughts on the gender of their unborn child. So often, I hear men talking about how terrified they are of having girls. Not because they would prefer to raise sons, but because having been boys themselves not so long ago, they fear what awaits their daughters out there in the big, bad world. This fear does not go away for some fathers, and I have had several conversations with girlfriends of mine who have disclosed details of how carefully their fathers monitored their comings and goings as teenagers. These same friends have also said that their fathers did not treat their brothers the same way. I have seen similar behavior watching some of my parents friends with their children. I thought about this a lot when I was pregnant, and I vowed that if I had a girl, I would work with my husband to make sure that our daughter was not raised with that kind of double standard. Having grown up as a woman myself, I knew I would want her to learn to value her mind and to respect her body. I was confident that if I could teach her those two things and foster open communication, then there would be no reason to worry.

But I never really thought about what my vow would be if I had a boy. I grew up with three sisters, so I had no firsthand knowledge of what goes into raising a son. Then one day last August I gave birth to a boy and suddenly I had to think about it.  What kinds of traps can parents fall into when raising a boy? What messages are we unconsciously sending to our sons? What are we inadvertently doing to promote gender stereotypes in our own home? Are we doing anything to actively dispel any of these notions?

I've noticed over the last ten months that I've started looking at almost everything through this new lens of motherhood. Whether it be song lyrics, a TV show, or a story in the newspaper, I find myself critiquing the world, trying to figure out what messages are out there, potentially already invading my son's tiny head. Miller Lite has created an ad campaign where a group of male friends threaten one of their buddies with the confiscation of his "man card" for exhibiting certain "unmanly" behaviors. In one commercial the offending behavior is crying; in another, it is asking friends if they want to accompany him to the bathroom. I found myself wondering what commercials like this might convey to my son about what it is that makes him a man. Every time I see one of these commercials, it reminds me how hard I'm going to have to work to teach my son the things I want him to know. I decided to make a list of the messages I actually want him to receive. Not everything on this list is specifically related to the notions society directs towards men. But, with that idea as my guide, I thought about what I really want him to learn, and this is what I came up with. I am going to hold on to it and reread it from time to time to make sure I don't lose sight of the things that really matter.

1. Talking about your feelings does not make you weak. Women are not the only people with emotions. Everybody has feelings and it is important to share them with people you trust. Keeping your feelings pent up inside doesn't do anybody any good and will likely be damaging down the road.

2. It is okay to cry if you are sad, and in fact, I encourage it. I do not mean that every time you fall or scrape your knee, it is appropriate to cry. Nor do I mean that you must bare your soul publicly. But, when you are in pain, do not feel that you have to hide your tears from me, or your dad, or from the people you trust. It's okay to be vulnerable, it just means you are human.

3. There is no reason for you not to play with dolls if that's what you want to do. Learning a thing or two about loving and caring for someone who needs you will only serve you later in life.

4. Knowing how to apologize is just about the most important thing any person can learn.

5. Sometimes it will be impossible to avoid hurting someone you care about. That doesn't make you a bad person. But you can be respectful and decent even when letting people down. Make that a goal.

6. We live in a world that defaults to heterosexuality. You aren't even ten months old yet and already people look at you and make comments about your future girlfriends. I can only imagine how many times you will be made to feel like being with a woman is what is expected of you. I want you to know that I have no expectations when it comes to your sexuality. Your happiness is all that matters to your father and me. All we want is for you to love deeply and be loved in return.

7. If you don't like watching sports, that's okay. If you don't like playing sports, that's okay, too. I do hope you find something you love to do, though. And I hope you get to do it often.

8. My capacity to forgive is great, and my love for you is endless, but drink and drive and I will leave you in jail. 

9. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is the single biggest lie adults have ever told children. Words can be deadly. Be careful with yours.

10. There is nothing unmanly about calling your mother.

Let's Be Honest About Breastfeeding

During pregnancy, women spend a lot of time weighing decisions that they will soon have to face: Will I learn the sex of the baby prior to the birth? Will I use drugs during delivery? Who will be with me in the delivery room?  Where will my baby sleep? And possibly the question that concerns new parents the most - will I breastfeed or formula feed?

Deciding how to feed a baby is a personal decision that each mother must come to on her own. Many women choose to breastfeed after doing some research on the topic. They find information about the plethora of good nutrients in breast milk and the bonding power of nursing. They read testimonials of mothers who have loved the breastfeeding experience, and they are bombarded with the new mantra of pediatricians: breast is best. These women hear the positivity associated with breastfeeding and come to the conclusion to do so without hearing the whole story.

While it is true that there is much to be gained from nursing - the health benefits cannot be denied and the time that mommy and baby spend being so physically close is unlike any other - it is important to know that breastfeeding is far from a walk in the park. What many women fail to learn before giving birth is that breastfeeding is hard. In fact, often it's really hard. If a new mom enters motherhood expecting to jump right into successful nursing, chances are she is going to be extremely disappointed.

New moms need to have realistic expectations in those first few weeks. If nursing is important to a new mother, then she should understand that there is a certain amount of commitment involved in reaching breastfeeding nirvana. There may be days when she feels like quitting. There may be many days like that, in fact. Lactation consultants can be very useful at these times, giving tips on positioning and helping baby latch effectively. It's crucial to remember that, even with their natural instincts, babies do not emerge from the womb knowing exactly how to eat. And new moms don't have any idea what they are doing either. It would be unfair to assume that two clueless human beings would be able to figure out something so complex so quickly. Some babies have an easier time learning to nurse than others. New moms should try hard not to compare their own stories to those of friends or family. Each baby is going to be different.

So, to the moms who have embarked on the breastfeeding journey, I offer you this advice. Be patient. Know that it is absolutely normal to take some time to work out the kinks, and give yourself that time. Don't be too hard on yourself or your baby. Learning a new skill never happens overnight.

And to the moms out there who are not breastfeeding for one reason or another, I want to say this: there is a lot of positive hype out there surrounding breastfeeding and its importance, but at the end of the day how a mother feeds her baby has absolutely nothing to do with how good a mother she is. Many women try the breastfeeding thing before coming to the conclusion that it isn't going to work for them, and then feel tremendous guilt about giving it up. Others know before giving birth that it is not something they are interested in and choose formula from the start. Whatever the circumstance, it is important to remember that there are thousands of opportunities every day for us to show our babies how much we love them, and there is plenty of time for bonding, with or without a breast. When it comes to motherhood, our job is to do the best we can. Only a mother in her own individual situation can know what that means for her.

A Lesson Learned in Forgiveness

I have been planning to write a blog post on forgiveness in parenting for some time. It has become one of the things I talk about most often in regards to being a new parent. I realized early on how important it is to be able to forgive yourself. When caring for a baby, it is inevitable that accidents will happen. From things as simple as getting some skin caught in the nail clipper to more frightening incidents like falls down the stairs. We certainly should take all the precautions we can to avoid situations where our children get hurt, but when the unavoidable ones happen, it is crucial to be able to forgive ourselves and move on.

I was thinking that this ability to forgive ourselves is one of the most difficult things to learn as new parents. And it is. But, what I didn't think about is the fact that I am not on this parenting journey on my own. I did not factor in the fact that I have a partner, and that he, too, may have moments where an error in judgment leads to a baby mishap. My failure to consider that possibility also means that I hadn't given any thought to how I might feel or react were such an event to occur.

Over the last nine-and-a-half months I have had my fair share of close calls when it comes to my son, Matthew. Just recently, I was using a sharp knife to cut up his food while he was sitting in his chair waiting for his dinner. I didn't realize how close I was to him or that he was reaching out to grab the food as I was cutting it. I saw his finger at the last possible second, just in time to move the knife away and sigh one of the biggest sighs of relief I've ever released. There have also been times when I have also turned my back for a quick second and turned back just in time to avoid disaster. In all of these instances, the worst-case-scenario of what could have happened plays over in my head several times, and I know that had I actually hurt him it would be very difficult to forgive myself. But, I also remind myself that at some point in the years of his development, accidents will happen. I will do my best to prevent them, and, of course, I hope not to cause them, but when they occur, I need to stay calm and do what is best for my son. Being a good parent isn't just about protecting him, it's also about caring for him when I am unable to protect him enough.

And so I have had this conversation with myself many times about how I will respond when the first accident occurs, and how I will try not to punish myself too much. And then it happened. He fell off the bed, and no one was quick enough to catch him. Only it wasn't me who was playing with him, it was my husband, Scott. And all of a sudden, all of that knowledge I have about how I've been close to this exact scenario several times before and how any of those times could have been different and how any day now I could look the wrong way at just the wrong second - all that went out the window. Suddenly I was filled with this righteous indignation that such a thing would never happen on my watch. I was listening to my baby cry and all I could think was "How could you let this happen?"

I found myself paralyzed. I felt anger rising up in me, but I knew I couldn't let it out. I knew deep down that it was unfair and that expressing it was going to be damaging. I kept thinking about how utterly awful I would feel had I been the one near him when he fell and how much worse it would be if my partner was yelling at me. I felt these two conflicting ideas raging within me - the emotional irrational anger versus the rational cognitive understanding. I did my best to focus on the task at hand - soothing Matthew and making sure he was alright - and not on the moments leading up to his fall. Ultimately, I think I got stuck somewhere in between my two minds, choosing not to address my husband directly until after the initial anger subsided. In all the times I had thought about how I would feel if I allowed something to happen to Matty, I never once thought about how angry Scott would be with me.

The whole ordeal lasted no more than five minutes from the moment of the fall til Matty had completely stopped crying and seemed to have forgotten it had even occurred. Once he had calmed down and I had time to think, I realized that I just as easily could have been the one playing with him by the bed. Over the last few weeks, his ability to move around has increased tenfold, and sometimes these changes happen from one day to the next. It is shocking how quickly he can get from one side of a bed to the other. A mistake was made, there is no question about it, but it does not mean that my husband isn't an excellent father (he is) or that I couldn't have made the same one (I could have).

I walked away from this whole experience with a very salient lesson in my pocket. Forgiveness is an extremely important tool in parenting. We must learn how to forgive ourselves, as I have been saying for some time. But, possibly more importantly, we need to be able to forgive our partners. Accidents can happen at any time, to any of us. Aside from cases of gross negligence, we are all doing the best we can. Even the greatest parent can make a poor judgment call at one time or another. We all know this, and yet when accidents occur, we feel our entire ability to be parents has been called into question. What we need from our partners is support and reassurance. We need to be reminded that we are wonderful parents and that everybody makes mistakes. What we do not need is to be interrogated about what we were thinking and berated for our errors. A conversation about ways to avoid similar situations may be appropriate at a later time, but in the direct aftermath of an accident, forgiving our partners can go a long way in promoting successful joint parenting.

It's Not Am I Mom Enough, It's Am I Me Enough

From the moment that my delicious son, Matthew, entered my life, he has been my world. In the really early days my entire being functioned around what he needed. I slept when he slept, I ate between his feedings. I changed diapers, ran to pediatrician's appointments and prewashed about a thousand items of clothing. When I factored in my own needs at all, they were always secondary to his. Through the last nine months he has grown, and the intense burden of the newborn days has been relieved a bit, but he is still the focus of most of my time.

I have never once questioned if I was "mom enough," as the provocative Time article has done. In fact, the question that I wondered more often than any other was if I was "me" enough. The life of a new mother is intense. It is incredible, but it is also all-consuming. I struggled, and still struggle, with trying to maintain my identity as I adapt to this new role.

Part of what made this struggle so profound for me is the total confusion of what my body, and all of its parts, are for. For the first 29 years of my life, my breasts had no other purpose other than to look pretty. They were ornamental at best, used to attract men and make tank tops look better. Suddenly, I give birth to a baby, and they've become the most functional, incredible, life-sustaining organs. It is a mind-boggling turn of events, one that I have not quite wrapped my brain around, even now.

I have very much enjoyed nursing my son. I still breastfeed him at night before bed and first thing in the morning. But I can say honestly that I will not feel that I am truly myself again until my breasts are my own. It is true that parenting requires sacrifice. There are many things I am sure I will give up along the way for my children. But my identity is not one of them. Three years is too long for me to be in the midst of this identity crisis. And truthfully, my husband deserves time when he is not sharing my body with our son.

I try very hard not to judge other mothers. We are all out here, fighting the good fight, doing what we can to give our sons and daughters the best possible lives. If you choose to nurse your child through toddlerhood, that is your prerogative. But do not suggest that if I do not that I am less of a mother than you are. I am a mother with every fiber of my being. Where I fear I may be lacking is as a wife. As a friend. Maybe as a daughter. But as a mother? Don't be ridiculous.

In Memory of Ayelet

I often wonder if the technological advances of the last ten years are really beneficial. Particularly with all the social networking, it sometimes feels like we are too connected. No one needs to pick up the phone anymore because so much vital information is communicated publicly as status messages or tweets. The younger generations have literally grown up on the internet. Privacy requires an incredible amount of hard work and sometimes I worry about the impact it's having on all of us.

But then there are the times when I realize how amazing it is to be instantly connected to a world of people. The opportunity to get back in touch with friends and acquaintances with whom I've lost contact is an incredible thing. I am actively involved in the lives of people I knew over a decade ago solely because we have found each other online. There is no question that these relationships would have petered out completely if not for Facebook reintroducing us. It is really quite special.

But nothing, absolutely nothing, can compare to the way the cyber-network of the world brought together a community in prayer and in hope for Ayelet Galena. A beautiful 2-year-old girl, who I never had the privilege of knowing personally, Ayelet engaged in an epic battle for her life after receiving a bone marrow transplant in August 2011. Through blog entries, status updates and photos, Ayelet's family kept a world of admirers in the loop as to all her ups and downs.

I can only imagine the impact these posts had on Ayelet's family - being able to share their highs and lows with thousands and thousands of people all at once. But I don't have to imagine to know the effect these posts had on those of us on the outside. Never before have I seen a greater coming together of people for a common goal. Regardless of religious affiliation, gender, race or ethnicity, people around the globe were pouring out their heartfelt wishes and prayers for Ayelet every moment of the day. Sharing status messages and "liking" positive updates - people were inspired every day by the strength of this little girl and her unwavering will to live.

And then, this morning, the unbearable news was shared. The status message that so many have feared for so long. After months of holding on, of doing everything she possibly could, Ayelet's body finally stopped fighting. It is incredible to feel such a profound sense of loss for a family that so many of us don't know personally, and yet we do. By letting us in to their lives, the Galena family has created a united community. We celebrated their successes and now we mourn their great loss. In a world that is so divided, this one little girl has united so many.

May Ayelet's legacy live on and inspire the fight in all of us.

This Virus is Ruining All Our Hard Work!

I want to start off by saying I hate the term "sleep training." I hate it the same way I hate when women talk about training their husbands (though I hate that a little more). To me, training is not something humans do to other humans. When discussing the process of helping our children develop healthy sleep habits, I would much prefer the words teaching, guiding or encouraging. With that said, I would like to discuss a bump we've hit on the road to guiding our son to a full night's sleep.

By the time my son, Matthew, was four months old, he was sleeping through the night. I think our success is a combination of choices that my husband and I made and the happy fact that Matty happens to be a good sleeper. Whatever the reason, it did not take long for me to get used to having a baby who was sleeping nine to ten hours a night. There were still nights when he might wake up around midnight or one and whimper a bit, but a quick visit to pop a pacifier in his mouth usually did the trick. I was so glad to say goodbye to middle-of-the-night feedings and hour-long rocking sessions to calm him down and get him back to sleep.

And then he got sick. And we're not talking about a quick, two-day bug that was miserable while it lasted but then made a swift exit. We're talking about a fever-filled, stuffy-nosed, coughing-fits-in-the-middle-of-the-night virus to end all viruses. And it was awful. To tell you the truth, I was caught a bit off guard. I know that babies get sick, especially babies who are in daycare with other babies all day long. I was expecting this. And yet, I was unprepared for the havoc it would wreak on our nights.

The hardest thing for me was that my poor little guy was just so unhappy. A nose-breather, as most babies are, Matty's biggest problem was that with his nose so stuffed, he was forced to breathe through his mouth. This meant no pacifier, which meant that he was at a loss for how to soothe himself to sleep. At the height of his sickness, he would wake up every hour and each time need some real TLC to have any chance of falling back to sleep. Under normal circumstances, I am happy to let him cry in his crib for a bit, hoping he will find a way to fall back to sleep on his own. On those healthy nights, I know there is nothing wrong and that he is just tired, so allowing him to figure it out on his own is my version of "teach a man to fish." On these sick nights, however, allowing him to cry is different. He is crying because he is sad, because he is sick and needs his parents, and so to leave him there seemed wrong and counterproductive. And so we began going in and holding him and rocking him and making sure he knew we were here and he was loved and telling him, though he can't understand, that if we could make it better, we would.

And for one night this felt fine. And even for two and for three. But then this thing didn't go away. And though he was no longer waking up every hour, he was waking up in the middle of the night coughing and crying for three weeks. And I still felt that I needed to go to him because he still sounded so sad. And yet, I worried that all the nights he spent teaching himself how to go to sleep on his own had been undone by this virus that sent us moving backwards instead of forward. I worried that he would begin to see this new routine as normal, and expect us to help him to sleep every night since that's what we'd done for him throughout his illness. I was afraid that we were making a very big mistake.

And then I remembered. I remembered a promise I made to myself the day Matthew made his entrance into this world. I promised that I would do my best. I promised that I wouldn't get bogged down with the 'right way' and the 'wrong way' but rather I would do what seemed right for us at the time. And during those weeks that my baby was sick, it felt right to go to him. It felt right to hold him and to kiss him and to make sure he is learning that even if we can't make it go away, we can provide comfort. And if that means a minor setback in our "sleep guiding," so be it.