This morning I read an article in the Parents section of The Huffington Post about the falseness of family life that is depicted by parents through social media. In this article, Megan Davies Mennes makes a point I've heard several times. She discusses how ridiculous it is that parents use sites like Facebook and Instagram to post photos of their children that paint the most idealistic pictures of what their lives with their children are like. She comments on how these photos show nothing of what happens in between the few perfect moments and claims that we are essentially lying to the world about what goes on in our homes. I've heard this argument made in other places as well, and I recall one particular article suggesting that we are doing a disservice to our friends who are struggling as mothers when we make it look like our lives are a picnic.
And the truth is, there is merit in what these articles are saying. Being a parent is challenging on the best of days and to suggest to others that your life is a breeze or that your children are perfect angels is dishonest no matter who you are. But, I don't really believe that's what's parents are trying to do. Nobody shares the negative details of their lives on social media - so why should parents be any different? I see photos of couples out enjoying themselves all the time. Does that mean they never argue? Does it mean that all the moments off-camera are as pleasant as the ones in front of it? Of course not. They just choose not to share their less pleasant moments with me and the rest of their friends. People often post pictures of beautiful sunsets and beaches. Strangely no one seems to share photos of the sky on gray, overcast, miserable days. That doesn't mean that it never rains where they live. It just means they recognize the beauty in a specific instant, and want to share it.
Additionally, and more importantly, there is an important piece of this conversation on parents and social media that is being overlooked. Being at home with young children, whether full time or not, can be an isolating and tremendously overwhelming experience. One of the traps that parents can fall into is getting so caught up in the difficult aspects that they miss the wonderful moments that pop up from time to time.
The desire to capture moments to post on social media sites creates a situation where parents are specifically looking to appreciate small moments. Do I think it would be wonderful if parents looked to appreciate these moments on their own, without feeling the need to share them publicly? Sure. But, it also can't be ignored that the presence of social media has led many parents to pay more attention to how fun, silly, and sweet their sometimes difficult children can be. It's so important for parents to be able to pause for a second and enjoy the little things, for their own well-being and for their children's. It's good for the parenting soul, it provides the fuel that helps power us through the tantrums and the arguments and the sleepless nights. Who cares what the impetus behind it is?
From what I see on television and in film and in general out in the world, parenting tends to get a bad rap. Parents are portrayed as being miserable and often seem to be pining for the days before their children came along and ruined everything. It's hard for me to think that a few pictures of smiling, cuddly children are going to suddenly make everyone think that the lives we're leading as parents are the most carefree days of our lives. If anything, the message these photos should be sending is "sure, everything you've heard about being a parent is true, but there's also some awesomeness - stay tuned to see some of it."
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Leaving Babies in Carseats - On Realizing it Could Happen To Me
When I first had my son, a friend of mine told me about an article she'd read about babies dying when their parents had accidentally left them in their carseats for extended periods of time. This friend went on to inform me of the recommendation that parents leave their purses, laptops or briefcases in the backseat with the child, so as not to head in to work for the day without peeking in the back and making sure it's empty. Apparently, I thought at the time, we are conditioned to remember our cell phones more than our children.
I recall scoffing at my friend. If not to her face, then certainly when I recounted the conversation to my husband. I brought the conversation up with friends of mine - some who were parents, some who were not - and each time I adamantly expressed that I could not fathom leaving a child in a car or needing some kind of back-up plan to ensure I didn't make that error. I had the same thought that many people have upon hearing a horror story like this - what kind of a parent forgets about a baby?
But, part of what makes being human so special is the ability to recognize when we've made a mistake. Our ignorance is dangerous to our well-being and sometimes we don't even realize the ways in which we are just plain wrong. For me, this is one of those cases. I reread a 2009 article from the Washington Post yesterday dealing with this epidemic. It is called hyperthermia - when babies literally overheat from being in the car too long. It is an incredibly traumatic piece of writing, filled with images and scenarios that could give a person nightmares for years.
I realized after I read it that I was having a really hard time thinking about anything else. Initially, I thought this was because, as I said, the article was very descriptive and disturbing. But upon further reflection, I came to the conclusion that the reason this article was haunting me so much was the understanding I have after two years of motherhood that this could potentially happen to me. Not because I am a bad mother or because I don't love my son enough. On the contrary, I like to think I'm a pretty decent mother and it would be impossible for me to love my son more than I already do. But I now understand that bad things can happen when the right set of circumstances come together.
Consider these two facts:
1. My son is in daycare three days a week. On the days he is not in daycare, we often make plans to go to friends houses or museums. I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten in the car on a non-daycare day and instinctively driven in the direction of daycare. Sometimes I get all the way there before realizing that's not where I meant to go.
2. A few weeks ago, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up one or two things before getting my son from daycare. Then, I picked him up, drove home and brought him inside, leaving the groceries in the trunk. I had to throw away milk, eggs, and produce after it sat in the heat of my trunk for hours before I remembered it.
I understand that it seems like a baby is different. I understand that to the typical, functioning, non-stressed out brain, it seems impossible to forget about another human being. But what's important - imperative - to understand is that our brains go into autopilot. The reason I've driven to daycare so many times on days I don't need to go there is that I'm not actively thinking about what I need to do. I have a routine and my brain automatically follows it. If that routine gets changed for some reason - and in the large majority of these tragic cases, that is exactly what has happened - the brain often doesn't remember to make the adjustment.
The complexity, however, is that it thinks it has. Many of these parents report that when the sitter called to find out where the baby was, the response was 'What do you mean? Isn't he with you?' Their brains have checked off the box that says they've taken care of everything that needs taking care of. It's exactly what my brain did with the groceries. I didn't remember leaving them in the car until I went into the fridge for the milk and it wasn't there. I thought I had done it. It's not that I was careless because the items in my car didn't hold a lot of value to me. In fact, I was really pissed at myself for wasting all that food. It happened because I was doing many things at once and I got distracted and I thought I'd done what I intended to do. I am not so sure I couldn't have done the same thing on a much more horrific scale given the contributing circumstances that are present in most of the reported cases of hyperthermia.
I bring this up for a couple of reasons. One, I am always saying that, as parents, we need to judge each other less, and that is never more true than in these situations. I was right there two years ago, thinking that these parents must be morons or at least extremely neglectful people. But, really, these parents are just human beings who are juggling jobs and responsibilities like all of us are and whose momentary brain dysfunction led to the ultimate loss. There is no experience worse than losing a child, except perhaps losing a child due to something you did. These people are suffering enough without our judgment.
And two, because I shouldn't have scoffed at the notion of putting my purse in the backseat. There are all kinds of bills being proposed to enhance car safety standards and lower the instances of hyperthermia. Hopefully, in time, changes will be made. But, in the meantime, there is something we can do as parents. We can take the extra precautions to make sure we protect ourselves against our own hard drive malfunctions. We can stop being ignorant to the point of thinking it can't happen to us. Brains are funny things. Sometimes they really trip us up. Most of the time the consequences are minor. A wasted half-gallon of milk. A 10-minute detour in the wrong direction. Sometimes, they are much more severe. Why chance it?
I recall scoffing at my friend. If not to her face, then certainly when I recounted the conversation to my husband. I brought the conversation up with friends of mine - some who were parents, some who were not - and each time I adamantly expressed that I could not fathom leaving a child in a car or needing some kind of back-up plan to ensure I didn't make that error. I had the same thought that many people have upon hearing a horror story like this - what kind of a parent forgets about a baby?
But, part of what makes being human so special is the ability to recognize when we've made a mistake. Our ignorance is dangerous to our well-being and sometimes we don't even realize the ways in which we are just plain wrong. For me, this is one of those cases. I reread a 2009 article from the Washington Post yesterday dealing with this epidemic. It is called hyperthermia - when babies literally overheat from being in the car too long. It is an incredibly traumatic piece of writing, filled with images and scenarios that could give a person nightmares for years.
I realized after I read it that I was having a really hard time thinking about anything else. Initially, I thought this was because, as I said, the article was very descriptive and disturbing. But upon further reflection, I came to the conclusion that the reason this article was haunting me so much was the understanding I have after two years of motherhood that this could potentially happen to me. Not because I am a bad mother or because I don't love my son enough. On the contrary, I like to think I'm a pretty decent mother and it would be impossible for me to love my son more than I already do. But I now understand that bad things can happen when the right set of circumstances come together.
Consider these two facts:
1. My son is in daycare three days a week. On the days he is not in daycare, we often make plans to go to friends houses or museums. I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten in the car on a non-daycare day and instinctively driven in the direction of daycare. Sometimes I get all the way there before realizing that's not where I meant to go.
2. A few weeks ago, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up one or two things before getting my son from daycare. Then, I picked him up, drove home and brought him inside, leaving the groceries in the trunk. I had to throw away milk, eggs, and produce after it sat in the heat of my trunk for hours before I remembered it.
I understand that it seems like a baby is different. I understand that to the typical, functioning, non-stressed out brain, it seems impossible to forget about another human being. But what's important - imperative - to understand is that our brains go into autopilot. The reason I've driven to daycare so many times on days I don't need to go there is that I'm not actively thinking about what I need to do. I have a routine and my brain automatically follows it. If that routine gets changed for some reason - and in the large majority of these tragic cases, that is exactly what has happened - the brain often doesn't remember to make the adjustment.
The complexity, however, is that it thinks it has. Many of these parents report that when the sitter called to find out where the baby was, the response was 'What do you mean? Isn't he with you?' Their brains have checked off the box that says they've taken care of everything that needs taking care of. It's exactly what my brain did with the groceries. I didn't remember leaving them in the car until I went into the fridge for the milk and it wasn't there. I thought I had done it. It's not that I was careless because the items in my car didn't hold a lot of value to me. In fact, I was really pissed at myself for wasting all that food. It happened because I was doing many things at once and I got distracted and I thought I'd done what I intended to do. I am not so sure I couldn't have done the same thing on a much more horrific scale given the contributing circumstances that are present in most of the reported cases of hyperthermia.
I bring this up for a couple of reasons. One, I am always saying that, as parents, we need to judge each other less, and that is never more true than in these situations. I was right there two years ago, thinking that these parents must be morons or at least extremely neglectful people. But, really, these parents are just human beings who are juggling jobs and responsibilities like all of us are and whose momentary brain dysfunction led to the ultimate loss. There is no experience worse than losing a child, except perhaps losing a child due to something you did. These people are suffering enough without our judgment.
And two, because I shouldn't have scoffed at the notion of putting my purse in the backseat. There are all kinds of bills being proposed to enhance car safety standards and lower the instances of hyperthermia. Hopefully, in time, changes will be made. But, in the meantime, there is something we can do as parents. We can take the extra precautions to make sure we protect ourselves against our own hard drive malfunctions. We can stop being ignorant to the point of thinking it can't happen to us. Brains are funny things. Sometimes they really trip us up. Most of the time the consequences are minor. A wasted half-gallon of milk. A 10-minute detour in the wrong direction. Sometimes, they are much more severe. Why chance it?
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Dear Jason Collins, Thank You.
Dear Jason,
Two weeks ago, I wrote my son a letter. He is 20-months old and though he is not yet asking me why sometimes bad things happen, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that one day he would, and I wouldn't know what to say. And so after the terrifying events at the Boston Marathon, I sat down and I wrote to him. I told him that I didn't have any answers. I told him that sometimes the world doesn't make very much sense to me. And I told him that the only way we can get through these devastating moments is to focus on all the good that's out there. The two people who orchestrated the attack in Boston were far outnumbered by the amazing people who volunteered their time, their homes, and their money to make sure those most affected were taken care of.
What I reminded my son in that letter, and really what I reminded myself as well, is that when something happens to shake our faith in humanity, the key to restoring it is often right there beside it. And now, two weeks later, here you are, standing before America, telling our children that it is okay for them to be exactly who they are.
I am not sure you fully understand the gift you have given my son and the other children of his generation. I have no way of knowing what will happen next. But, the mere fact of your existence goes a long way in shattering some of the stereotypes that exist. I was recently telling another mother about how anxious my husband is to start playing sports with our son. I relayed a conversation I had with my husband where I warned him that it was possible our son wouldn't be that interested in sports, and that he would have to be okay with it. As I told this woman the story, I said "I just want him to realize that it's possible our son --" and before I finished my sentence, she cut me off and said "could be gay?"
The funny thing was, she wasn't being outwardly homophobic or discriminatory. She wasn't suggesting that there was anything wrong with him if he was gay or that it was a problem if he wasn't interested in sports. The interesting part was that she took those two things to be synonymous. These stereotypes are such a part of our culture that even people who believe themselves to be loving and open-minded have adopted them without realizing it. Your courage in sharing your story, whether others follow your lead or not, is a huge step towards helping us all rethink these ideas.
I read a lot of the comments yesterday after your article came out. One of the most fascinating themes I came across were the people who suggested that nothing you have done is heroic. These people suggested that there's nothing wrong with being gay, but that there's no reason to give you a front page article or call it news. I have been called an idealist before, but these people have far surpassed me. I wish it was true that this isn't news. I wish the world we live in was so incredibly welcoming and warm that an NBA player being gay meant nothing. But the fact of the matter is, that's not the world we live in, and in this flawed world, it means a great deal. You have taken the first step to knocking down a major barrier in this country. You have taken the words of Chris Kluwe and Brendon Ayanbadejo and you've made them mean something. So much of this problem is a matter of ignorance, and you have provided education and information in a way that no one else has.
I also came across a number of people who have suggested that the fact that you have an identical twin who is straight proves that being gay is a choice. I do not wish to go into the scientific specifics of this, all I want to say is that I have an identical twin sister who is taller than I am. No one has ever suggested that I chose to be short.
I have been thinking a lot about how scary this must have been for you. After so many years of guarding this secret, letting it go in such a public way must have been terrifying. Your courage is truly remarkable. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for taking us all by the hand and leading us down this road. I know that the haters can be really loud. I know that the nastiness that comes out of people's mouths is sometimes almost too horrible to be believed. But as I told my son after the bombing in Boston, the good people are out there. The love is out there. There are so many people who have been positively affected by your act of bravery, including so many young children who don't even know it yet.
As a mother, I wanted to say thank you. It just got a little easier to raise my son in America.
All the best,
Tamar
Two weeks ago, I wrote my son a letter. He is 20-months old and though he is not yet asking me why sometimes bad things happen, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that one day he would, and I wouldn't know what to say. And so after the terrifying events at the Boston Marathon, I sat down and I wrote to him. I told him that I didn't have any answers. I told him that sometimes the world doesn't make very much sense to me. And I told him that the only way we can get through these devastating moments is to focus on all the good that's out there. The two people who orchestrated the attack in Boston were far outnumbered by the amazing people who volunteered their time, their homes, and their money to make sure those most affected were taken care of.
What I reminded my son in that letter, and really what I reminded myself as well, is that when something happens to shake our faith in humanity, the key to restoring it is often right there beside it. And now, two weeks later, here you are, standing before America, telling our children that it is okay for them to be exactly who they are.
I am not sure you fully understand the gift you have given my son and the other children of his generation. I have no way of knowing what will happen next. But, the mere fact of your existence goes a long way in shattering some of the stereotypes that exist. I was recently telling another mother about how anxious my husband is to start playing sports with our son. I relayed a conversation I had with my husband where I warned him that it was possible our son wouldn't be that interested in sports, and that he would have to be okay with it. As I told this woman the story, I said "I just want him to realize that it's possible our son --" and before I finished my sentence, she cut me off and said "could be gay?"
The funny thing was, she wasn't being outwardly homophobic or discriminatory. She wasn't suggesting that there was anything wrong with him if he was gay or that it was a problem if he wasn't interested in sports. The interesting part was that she took those two things to be synonymous. These stereotypes are such a part of our culture that even people who believe themselves to be loving and open-minded have adopted them without realizing it. Your courage in sharing your story, whether others follow your lead or not, is a huge step towards helping us all rethink these ideas.
I read a lot of the comments yesterday after your article came out. One of the most fascinating themes I came across were the people who suggested that nothing you have done is heroic. These people suggested that there's nothing wrong with being gay, but that there's no reason to give you a front page article or call it news. I have been called an idealist before, but these people have far surpassed me. I wish it was true that this isn't news. I wish the world we live in was so incredibly welcoming and warm that an NBA player being gay meant nothing. But the fact of the matter is, that's not the world we live in, and in this flawed world, it means a great deal. You have taken the first step to knocking down a major barrier in this country. You have taken the words of Chris Kluwe and Brendon Ayanbadejo and you've made them mean something. So much of this problem is a matter of ignorance, and you have provided education and information in a way that no one else has.
I also came across a number of people who have suggested that the fact that you have an identical twin who is straight proves that being gay is a choice. I do not wish to go into the scientific specifics of this, all I want to say is that I have an identical twin sister who is taller than I am. No one has ever suggested that I chose to be short.
I have been thinking a lot about how scary this must have been for you. After so many years of guarding this secret, letting it go in such a public way must have been terrifying. Your courage is truly remarkable. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for taking us all by the hand and leading us down this road. I know that the haters can be really loud. I know that the nastiness that comes out of people's mouths is sometimes almost too horrible to be believed. But as I told my son after the bombing in Boston, the good people are out there. The love is out there. There are so many people who have been positively affected by your act of bravery, including so many young children who don't even know it yet.
As a mother, I wanted to say thank you. It just got a little easier to raise my son in America.
All the best,
Tamar
Monday, April 15, 2013
To My Son, On This Sad and Tragic Day
Dearest Matthew,
You are only 20-months-old and so, for the moment, I am spared the task of having to explain to you that which has no explanation. You played in the park today and enjoyed your chicken fingers and laughed and jumped and didn't know that just 300 miles away people's lives were falling apart. You don't know that a mother will never see her 8-year-old child again or that runners whose legs carried them 26.2 miles no longer have those legs. You don't realize that just five months ago we were out in the streets of Philadelphia cheering on your Uncle Dan as he crossed the finish line like so many today. You haven't asked me why someone would want to hurt marathon runners and spectators who were celebrating such a special achievement.
But, it doesn't stop me from thinking about it. You won't be too young forever. One day you will look me in the eye and you will want to know why someone would hurt innocent people for no reason. You will want to know how to feel safe when people are working overtime to infect our safe spaces with fear and terror. And what will I tell you? How can I comfort you when I am struggling so much myself to make sense of the world I have brought you into?
The short answer, my dear sweet boy, is that I don't know. I have no magic answers. I have no explanations. You would have figured this out one day, anyway, so I may as well just tell you now: I am just a person, and sometimes the world confuses me, too.
The long answer, though, is that we have no choice. When evil people try and bully us into surrendering our happiness, the only thing we can do is refuse. There are wonderful people who work to protect us and keep us safe and they will continue to try and do so effectively. We will keep going to school and seeing movies and taking trains and cheering on our friends and family as they accomplish their biggest goals. We will make sure to enjoy the good moments as they come. We will try a little harder not to take each other and Daddy and everyone we love for granted.
And most importantly, we will be kind. We will reach out and help others in need whenever we are able to. On days like today, it would be easy for us to focus on the fact that terrible people did a terrible thing. But that's not the whole story. There are also runners who finished a marathon and kept running to the nearest hospital to donate blood. There are volunteers who ran towards the blasts instead of away from them to help as many people as possible. There are people posting on the internet that they have room in their homes if anyone needs a place to sleep.
It sometimes feels like evil is winning, but it isn't. It can only win if we let it. The good people of our world far outnumber the bad guys. It is our job to be part of the kindness. To keep putting it out there, insisting that we won't go away no matter how much they try to scare us.
It's not a perfect answer. It's not even close to a perfect world. But it's the one we've got, and we have to find a way to live in it. I am going to hug you tight as often as you'll let me and continue to pray that we won't have to have this conversation again.
I love you so very, very much,
Mommy
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected in Boston. Sending love and support.
You are only 20-months-old and so, for the moment, I am spared the task of having to explain to you that which has no explanation. You played in the park today and enjoyed your chicken fingers and laughed and jumped and didn't know that just 300 miles away people's lives were falling apart. You don't know that a mother will never see her 8-year-old child again or that runners whose legs carried them 26.2 miles no longer have those legs. You don't realize that just five months ago we were out in the streets of Philadelphia cheering on your Uncle Dan as he crossed the finish line like so many today. You haven't asked me why someone would want to hurt marathon runners and spectators who were celebrating such a special achievement.
But, it doesn't stop me from thinking about it. You won't be too young forever. One day you will look me in the eye and you will want to know why someone would hurt innocent people for no reason. You will want to know how to feel safe when people are working overtime to infect our safe spaces with fear and terror. And what will I tell you? How can I comfort you when I am struggling so much myself to make sense of the world I have brought you into?
The short answer, my dear sweet boy, is that I don't know. I have no magic answers. I have no explanations. You would have figured this out one day, anyway, so I may as well just tell you now: I am just a person, and sometimes the world confuses me, too.
The long answer, though, is that we have no choice. When evil people try and bully us into surrendering our happiness, the only thing we can do is refuse. There are wonderful people who work to protect us and keep us safe and they will continue to try and do so effectively. We will keep going to school and seeing movies and taking trains and cheering on our friends and family as they accomplish their biggest goals. We will make sure to enjoy the good moments as they come. We will try a little harder not to take each other and Daddy and everyone we love for granted.
And most importantly, we will be kind. We will reach out and help others in need whenever we are able to. On days like today, it would be easy for us to focus on the fact that terrible people did a terrible thing. But that's not the whole story. There are also runners who finished a marathon and kept running to the nearest hospital to donate blood. There are volunteers who ran towards the blasts instead of away from them to help as many people as possible. There are people posting on the internet that they have room in their homes if anyone needs a place to sleep.
It sometimes feels like evil is winning, but it isn't. It can only win if we let it. The good people of our world far outnumber the bad guys. It is our job to be part of the kindness. To keep putting it out there, insisting that we won't go away no matter how much they try to scare us.
It's not a perfect answer. It's not even close to a perfect world. But it's the one we've got, and we have to find a way to live in it. I am going to hug you tight as often as you'll let me and continue to pray that we won't have to have this conversation again.
I love you so very, very much,
Mommy
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected in Boston. Sending love and support.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
The Art of Talking to Pregnant Women
I haven't thought about pregnancy in a while. It's been 18 months since I was pregnant and from almost the moment I made the transition to post-partum life, I forgot about what it had been like for the 40 weeks prior to motherhood. But, I have a lot of friends who are pregnant at the moment, some for the first time, and so I've been engaging in some conversations recently about the kinds of experiences women go through when they are pregnant. Additionally I've been seeing a lot of pregnancy photos on facebook and instagram and quietly noting the way that people respond to pregnant women and the words they use in congratulating them and wishing them well.
I want to really stress those last words - congratulating them and wishing them well. There is no question in my mind that when people speak to pregnant women they are trying to express excitement over what is happening. Unfortunately, this often comes out in unkind and hurtful ways. The thing that is so difficult about pregnancy is that it is an incredibly private experience that is happening in an extraordinarily public way. There is no way to control this, of course, and so women are left being very exposed and end up falling prey to whatever comments and questions people feel like throwing at them.
What's interesting is how much of this is learned from experience. I cringe thinking of some of the things I said to pregnant women before I went through it myself. I remember one instance in particular where a former coworker came to an event I was working and was 7 months pregnant. Our exchange went like this:
Me: Wow! I didn't even know you were pregnant! How far along are you?
Her: 7 months!
Me: Oh my goodness! You're going to get even bigger?! That's crazy!!
Her: Um..yeah...it's okay. I feel good...it's really all in my belly.
I don't know why the exchange stuck with me, but it did and I always had this nagging sense that I'd said the wrong thing. And as time went on and I went through my own pregnancy I began to realize what I didn't understand, and what so many people still don't: Yes, when you get pregnant you get bigger. Yes, this is totally normal and expected and necessary and obvious. But, no, it does not mean that it is fun or enjoyable or easy to accept. No one means any harm when they make these comments to pregnant women, I know I certainly did not. But what is important for all of us to realize is that body changes are very sensitive experiences. You would never walk up to a woman who has gained a few pounds and say "wow, you're looking bigger than last time I saw you!" Of course a woman knows that she is going to put on weight and that she will inevitably look larger than she did when she was not pregnant. But, that does not mean that she is not self-conscious about the transformation or that she isn't having a hard time with what her body is doing.
Additionally, there are all kinds of thoughts and concerns that pregnant women have to deal with. Each pregnancy is unique and every woman deals with different things. There's no way to know what a woman is going through regarding her pregnancy and so you really have to be careful with what you say. Speaking personally, I remember being particularly concerned that my butt was getting big. It didn't seem to be something that I had much control over, so I tried not to think about it, but it definitely made me self-conscious. When people would tell me that my belly looked small, it only exacerbated my concern that all the weight I was gaining was in the wrong places. I was well aware that their intentions were good (everyone wants to hear they look tiny!) and I also knew that no one could possibly know what was going on in my head. But, it didn't change the fact that their words made their way inside my head and fed the self-consciousness that was already hiding there.
You just can't know what a woman is feeling. So, when you approach a pregnant woman, there is really only one thing you are allowed to say to her regarding her appearance. "You look wonderful." That's it. It doesn't matter if in your mind she is larger or smaller or wider or narrower or if you can't tell she's pregnant from the back or if you barely recognize her face. You tell her she looks wonderful. Because she is carrying a baby and she looks exactly how she is supposed to look. And I thought about this for a long time, debating if the right advice is really not to comment on a woman's appearance at all. And in an ideal world I think that would be the best way to go. But, I try to be realistic about the world we live in. And commenting on the appearance of a pregnant woman (and really ALL women) is so common that I fear that if we said nothing at all a woman may interpret that negatively as well. So instead, I say, tell her she looks wonderful. Don't be specific, don't tell her what parts of her body you are looking at or thinking about or noticing. Keep it simple and move on.
While we are on the topic of pregnancy etiquette, I do also want to mention that though baby bumps are out there for all to see, they are not out there for all to touch. As inviting as they may seem, do NOT ever touch a woman's belly without explicit permission to do so. The addition of a fetus to a woman's uterus does not suddenly make her body any less her own. You would not walk up to a stranger on the subway and fondle her breast, so do not touch a pregnant woman's belly unsolicited.
And the next time you run into a pregnant friend or see a "bump photo" online, do whatever you have to do to stifle the urge to say "OMG! You look huuuuge!!" A pregnant woman, like any other, wants to feel comfortable in her own skin. No matter how much she knows the changes she is experiencing are appropriate and healthy, hearing other people comment on how she looks - no matter how complimentary you think those comments are - is going to be unpleasant. So don't do it.
I want to really stress those last words - congratulating them and wishing them well. There is no question in my mind that when people speak to pregnant women they are trying to express excitement over what is happening. Unfortunately, this often comes out in unkind and hurtful ways. The thing that is so difficult about pregnancy is that it is an incredibly private experience that is happening in an extraordinarily public way. There is no way to control this, of course, and so women are left being very exposed and end up falling prey to whatever comments and questions people feel like throwing at them.
What's interesting is how much of this is learned from experience. I cringe thinking of some of the things I said to pregnant women before I went through it myself. I remember one instance in particular where a former coworker came to an event I was working and was 7 months pregnant. Our exchange went like this:
Me: Wow! I didn't even know you were pregnant! How far along are you?
Her: 7 months!
Me: Oh my goodness! You're going to get even bigger?! That's crazy!!
Her: Um..yeah...it's okay. I feel good...it's really all in my belly.
I don't know why the exchange stuck with me, but it did and I always had this nagging sense that I'd said the wrong thing. And as time went on and I went through my own pregnancy I began to realize what I didn't understand, and what so many people still don't: Yes, when you get pregnant you get bigger. Yes, this is totally normal and expected and necessary and obvious. But, no, it does not mean that it is fun or enjoyable or easy to accept. No one means any harm when they make these comments to pregnant women, I know I certainly did not. But what is important for all of us to realize is that body changes are very sensitive experiences. You would never walk up to a woman who has gained a few pounds and say "wow, you're looking bigger than last time I saw you!" Of course a woman knows that she is going to put on weight and that she will inevitably look larger than she did when she was not pregnant. But, that does not mean that she is not self-conscious about the transformation or that she isn't having a hard time with what her body is doing.
Additionally, there are all kinds of thoughts and concerns that pregnant women have to deal with. Each pregnancy is unique and every woman deals with different things. There's no way to know what a woman is going through regarding her pregnancy and so you really have to be careful with what you say. Speaking personally, I remember being particularly concerned that my butt was getting big. It didn't seem to be something that I had much control over, so I tried not to think about it, but it definitely made me self-conscious. When people would tell me that my belly looked small, it only exacerbated my concern that all the weight I was gaining was in the wrong places. I was well aware that their intentions were good (everyone wants to hear they look tiny!) and I also knew that no one could possibly know what was going on in my head. But, it didn't change the fact that their words made their way inside my head and fed the self-consciousness that was already hiding there.
You just can't know what a woman is feeling. So, when you approach a pregnant woman, there is really only one thing you are allowed to say to her regarding her appearance. "You look wonderful." That's it. It doesn't matter if in your mind she is larger or smaller or wider or narrower or if you can't tell she's pregnant from the back or if you barely recognize her face. You tell her she looks wonderful. Because she is carrying a baby and she looks exactly how she is supposed to look. And I thought about this for a long time, debating if the right advice is really not to comment on a woman's appearance at all. And in an ideal world I think that would be the best way to go. But, I try to be realistic about the world we live in. And commenting on the appearance of a pregnant woman (and really ALL women) is so common that I fear that if we said nothing at all a woman may interpret that negatively as well. So instead, I say, tell her she looks wonderful. Don't be specific, don't tell her what parts of her body you are looking at or thinking about or noticing. Keep it simple and move on.
While we are on the topic of pregnancy etiquette, I do also want to mention that though baby bumps are out there for all to see, they are not out there for all to touch. As inviting as they may seem, do NOT ever touch a woman's belly without explicit permission to do so. The addition of a fetus to a woman's uterus does not suddenly make her body any less her own. You would not walk up to a stranger on the subway and fondle her breast, so do not touch a pregnant woman's belly unsolicited.
And the next time you run into a pregnant friend or see a "bump photo" online, do whatever you have to do to stifle the urge to say "OMG! You look huuuuge!!" A pregnant woman, like any other, wants to feel comfortable in her own skin. No matter how much she knows the changes she is experiencing are appropriate and healthy, hearing other people comment on how she looks - no matter how complimentary you think those comments are - is going to be unpleasant. So don't do it.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Quick and Easy Activity to Do With Your Toddler
I am so lucky to be able to spend a couple of days a week at home with my son. But, with the weather being so cold, it's been challenging to think of good ways to spend our time together. I am sure other mothers are having the same difficulty, so I thought I'd share this little game we played yesterday that my son really loved.
I brought out 4 pieces of tupperware and a pitcher of water. I let him watch me as I poured some water into each container. I then took out food coloring and proceeded to turn each bowl of water into a different color. I wasn't sure what we would do once I'd added the colors, but I hoped that he would at least be interested in watching the change. What was great was that he then, on his own, started sticking his hands into each bowl and seeing what happened to his hand as it was submerged in the colored water. It did get somewhat messy (I threw down a towel after the photo was taken), but he was completely fascinated and it was definitely worth the trouble.
My son is 18-months-old and doesn't have the longest attention span so it was not an activity that took up too much time, but it was nice to take a break from our usual story/puzzles/blocks routine. It was also a fun way to go over the names of each of the colors. As he gets older I may add some extra empty tupperware and experiment with pouring in the different colors and seeing what they make when mixed together.
What are some of the ways that you and your toddler keep busy when you're cooped up in the house? Share in the comments below :)
I brought out 4 pieces of tupperware and a pitcher of water. I let him watch me as I poured some water into each container. I then took out food coloring and proceeded to turn each bowl of water into a different color. I wasn't sure what we would do once I'd added the colors, but I hoped that he would at least be interested in watching the change. What was great was that he then, on his own, started sticking his hands into each bowl and seeing what happened to his hand as it was submerged in the colored water. It did get somewhat messy (I threw down a towel after the photo was taken), but he was completely fascinated and it was definitely worth the trouble.
My son is 18-months-old and doesn't have the longest attention span so it was not an activity that took up too much time, but it was nice to take a break from our usual story/puzzles/blocks routine. It was also a fun way to go over the names of each of the colors. As he gets older I may add some extra empty tupperware and experiment with pouring in the different colors and seeing what they make when mixed together.
What are some of the ways that you and your toddler keep busy when you're cooped up in the house? Share in the comments below :)
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Reclaiming Valentine's Day
As I've mentioned many times, I spend a lot of time these days thinking about the world around me and trying to see things through the lens of motherhood. The most recent topic to occupy my brain is Valentine's Day. I've always felt that the holiday was pretty silly, perpetuated by the chocolate companies and the card companies, and marketed in such an over-top-way that the negative impact on those not in relationships far outweighs the positive experience of the couples. That said, it is an impossible day to avoid, and since I expect that it will be celebrated at daycare, I've been thinking about what kind of a day I want it to be.
I started contemplating what conversations I could have with my son about Valentine's Day. He is only 18-months-old, but I like to explain things to him and it would be great to come up with something to say to him now that I could expand on as he gets older. Yesterday it occurred to me that there is a great opportunity here.
We have a day on the calendar every year that is specifically devoted to love, and yet we live in a country where the majority of states still say it's illegal for two people who love each other to get married, if they happen to be the same sex. We have a long way to go as a country to truly respect each other's rights to love. As parents it is our job to teach our children to love and respect others and to fight for all people's freedom. We are responsible for ensuring that the next generation is even more loving, more open-minded, and more insistent that change happens. What better time to start that conversation than on Valentine's Day? As of tomorrow, February 14, 2013, I am declaring Valentine's Day as a true Day of Love. Not just a day to express love to our partners (although, that will certainly still be a part of it), but also a day to talk to our children about the importance of loving and respecting (and fighting for) other's rights to love.
And it doesn't have to just be talk. It's also a great opportunity to engage our children in some activism. Make a donation to an LGBT-friendly organization, write a letter to a representative expressing your feelings on the importance of allowing all people to marry, check out websites like It Gets Better and make a plan to get involved.
Whatever you do, let's do something. Let's reclaim Valentine's Day for Love.
**Make sure you click the "Top Mommy Blogs" badge in the top right corner to vote Mother of a Time as a Top Mommy Blog.**
I started contemplating what conversations I could have with my son about Valentine's Day. He is only 18-months-old, but I like to explain things to him and it would be great to come up with something to say to him now that I could expand on as he gets older. Yesterday it occurred to me that there is a great opportunity here.
We have a day on the calendar every year that is specifically devoted to love, and yet we live in a country where the majority of states still say it's illegal for two people who love each other to get married, if they happen to be the same sex. We have a long way to go as a country to truly respect each other's rights to love. As parents it is our job to teach our children to love and respect others and to fight for all people's freedom. We are responsible for ensuring that the next generation is even more loving, more open-minded, and more insistent that change happens. What better time to start that conversation than on Valentine's Day? As of tomorrow, February 14, 2013, I am declaring Valentine's Day as a true Day of Love. Not just a day to express love to our partners (although, that will certainly still be a part of it), but also a day to talk to our children about the importance of loving and respecting (and fighting for) other's rights to love.
And it doesn't have to just be talk. It's also a great opportunity to engage our children in some activism. Make a donation to an LGBT-friendly organization, write a letter to a representative expressing your feelings on the importance of allowing all people to marry, check out websites like It Gets Better and make a plan to get involved.
Whatever you do, let's do something. Let's reclaim Valentine's Day for Love.
**Make sure you click the "Top Mommy Blogs" badge in the top right corner to vote Mother of a Time as a Top Mommy Blog.**
Monday, January 28, 2013
Why I'd Love to Sit Down and Chat With Lena Dunham
Lena Dunham has made quite a name for herself in the last year. As the writer, director, and star of the hit HBO show Girls, Dunham has been the focus of much critique over the last several months. While some of the commentary does manage to discuss the actual merits of her talent, an awful lot of it seems to be about one particular thing: her affinity for being naked. And more specifically, her affinity for being naked even though she does not have society's idea of a perfect body.
As a woman, it's been really interesting to watch this conversation unfold. There has always been an unspoken understanding in American culture that women whose bodies are deemed to be attractive are welcome, and even encouraged, to wear less clothing and those whose bodies are deemed to be less attractive (read: larger) should wear more. It's not necessarily something we talk about, but the general public seems to be collectively uncomfortable with the idea of a woman with real curves being naked. And even if they weren't, Dunham does an excellent job of putting herself in some of the least flattering positions and situations to really drive the point home.
I am utterly in awe of Lena Dunham. I have always been relatively confident about my body. I have never had much of an issue with self-esteem or my own sexuality. Inside the confines of my own bedroom, I have had no difficulty with being undressed. But I couldn't do what she does. I couldn't be that naked - that vulnerable - in front of that many people, and be that comfortable. Each time I watch one of Dunham's sex scenes I wonder how it is possible for her to be that willing and able to completely ignore society's parameters. I applaud her and I support her and I'm even grateful for what she's doing, but I don't understand how she's able to do it.
So what's my point? Why am I writing about this on a mom blog? What does this have to do with parenting? Well, quite possibly, everything. I don't know what kind of parents Lena Dunham has. And I don't know what her life experiences have been leading her to where she is today. But someone, somewhere made her feel like who she is is exactly who she's supposed to be. I want to know who did what for Lena Dunham that instilled her with this incredible and seemingly unshakeable confidence. I want to sit down with her for fifteen minutes and ask her how it is that she got to be the way she is. I want to know what I can do for my own children that might lead them to a place where they are able to utterly ignore the opinions of almost everybody and just be themselves.
Say what you want about Lena Dunham, her mere existence is a win for humanity. I've always believed that no one can hurt us if we love ourselves enough, but I've never seen the point made more clearly than with Dunham. As a mother, my goal from the beginning has been to not just love my child(ren) but to help them love themselves. After watching Girls and the firestorm of reactions, I now, more than ever, understand why this is so very important.
As a woman, it's been really interesting to watch this conversation unfold. There has always been an unspoken understanding in American culture that women whose bodies are deemed to be attractive are welcome, and even encouraged, to wear less clothing and those whose bodies are deemed to be less attractive (read: larger) should wear more. It's not necessarily something we talk about, but the general public seems to be collectively uncomfortable with the idea of a woman with real curves being naked. And even if they weren't, Dunham does an excellent job of putting herself in some of the least flattering positions and situations to really drive the point home.
I am utterly in awe of Lena Dunham. I have always been relatively confident about my body. I have never had much of an issue with self-esteem or my own sexuality. Inside the confines of my own bedroom, I have had no difficulty with being undressed. But I couldn't do what she does. I couldn't be that naked - that vulnerable - in front of that many people, and be that comfortable. Each time I watch one of Dunham's sex scenes I wonder how it is possible for her to be that willing and able to completely ignore society's parameters. I applaud her and I support her and I'm even grateful for what she's doing, but I don't understand how she's able to do it.
So what's my point? Why am I writing about this on a mom blog? What does this have to do with parenting? Well, quite possibly, everything. I don't know what kind of parents Lena Dunham has. And I don't know what her life experiences have been leading her to where she is today. But someone, somewhere made her feel like who she is is exactly who she's supposed to be. I want to know who did what for Lena Dunham that instilled her with this incredible and seemingly unshakeable confidence. I want to sit down with her for fifteen minutes and ask her how it is that she got to be the way she is. I want to know what I can do for my own children that might lead them to a place where they are able to utterly ignore the opinions of almost everybody and just be themselves.
Say what you want about Lena Dunham, her mere existence is a win for humanity. I've always believed that no one can hurt us if we love ourselves enough, but I've never seen the point made more clearly than with Dunham. As a mother, my goal from the beginning has been to not just love my child(ren) but to help them love themselves. After watching Girls and the firestorm of reactions, I now, more than ever, understand why this is so very important.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
The Weight Does Not Just Fall Off!
I remember when I was pregnant one of the things I heard most often was that if I was planning to breastfeed I wouldn't have to worry about losing the baby weight. There seems to be this idea floating around that nursing makes the extra pounds magically fall off and that returning to pre-baby condition requires minimal work at best. I have come to realize in the years since I first heard this notion that not only is it completely false, it is also a terribly mean thing to tell women. It makes us feel like we are doing something wrong if we aren't shedding the baby weight faster. We feel disappointed (or worse) when we reach 3 months postpartum and are still not even close to fitting into our old jeans. And at a time in our lives with so many unknowns, when we have absolutely no idea what to expect, it is cruel to be given such blatant misinformation.
So let's get this out of the way now. The weight does NOT just fall off. It took 40 weeks to put all that weight on, it's unfair to think it should all be gone in 12. The first weeks after giving birth are chock full of all kinds of experiences. There are incredible highs and sometimes intense lows as well. Hormones are all out of whack and emotions are all over the place. There are so many things to focus on in those early days - getting enough sleep, getting the hang of nursing, and finding time to connect to a partner are all really important, not to mention the weeks it takes for the body to physically heal and recover. There just isn't time to make losing weight a priority, at least not right away.
To be clear, I am not suggesting that new mothers should eat unhealthy food or spend months not moving from the couch. In fact, it is a good idea for breastfeeding women to eat healthy and well-balanced meals to provide the most nutritious milk for their babies. And sometimes a nice walk around the block can go a long way for a woman's overall well-being. However, eating well may not lead to the rapid loss of weight that many women seem to expect. And sometimes healing takes longer than one might think, making it difficult to jump back into physical activity. Of course it is always a good idea to try and take good care of ourselves but it's important to make sure that our focus is on the right things - and weight loss is not the right thing.
As I say often, so much of what makes this initial postpartum time so difficult is how little people talk about the reality of what goes on. I truly believe that shedding light on some of these less-than-awesome aspects of the experience can help women significantly to manage expectations. We all know a woman or two who seemed to have lost her baby weight immediately after delivery. But to be fair, we also know a woman or two who can eat brownies and ice cream after dinner every night and never gain an ounce. Our bodies all work differently, so to compare our postpartum weight loss to our friends' - and to expect our own to be equally as simple - is a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment. Instead, remind yourself what an amazing process your body has just been through. Nine months of housing and caring for a growing fetus followed by hours of labor and eventual delivery. Your body is an absolute warrior. To thrust upon it a new goal of losing weight right away is borderline abusive.
Nature is a pretty incredible thing. Women's bodies were made to have babies. They were designed to put on extra weight during pregnancy and then to lose it when it's no longer needed. What we should be telling women who are expecting their first baby is to enjoy those first months of motherhood without worrying about what they look like. To think of nothing else other than their baby's needs, adjusting to their new family dynamic, and learning the ins and outs of parenthood. Weight shouldn't be part of the conversation.
I do understand that returning to pre-baby size after delivery is a concern that expecting mothers have, and I don't mean to trivialize it. But understanding that this, like everything else in motherhood, is a process that takes time is crucial. Weight loss will come, but it will take some work and it probably won't happen right away. If more women knew this going in, and weren't being fed some line about breastfeeding being weight loss magic, then they could properly prepare themselves and be less distracted and disappointed when the baby comes, leaving them with more time to focus on the things that really matter.
So let's get this out of the way now. The weight does NOT just fall off. It took 40 weeks to put all that weight on, it's unfair to think it should all be gone in 12. The first weeks after giving birth are chock full of all kinds of experiences. There are incredible highs and sometimes intense lows as well. Hormones are all out of whack and emotions are all over the place. There are so many things to focus on in those early days - getting enough sleep, getting the hang of nursing, and finding time to connect to a partner are all really important, not to mention the weeks it takes for the body to physically heal and recover. There just isn't time to make losing weight a priority, at least not right away.
To be clear, I am not suggesting that new mothers should eat unhealthy food or spend months not moving from the couch. In fact, it is a good idea for breastfeeding women to eat healthy and well-balanced meals to provide the most nutritious milk for their babies. And sometimes a nice walk around the block can go a long way for a woman's overall well-being. However, eating well may not lead to the rapid loss of weight that many women seem to expect. And sometimes healing takes longer than one might think, making it difficult to jump back into physical activity. Of course it is always a good idea to try and take good care of ourselves but it's important to make sure that our focus is on the right things - and weight loss is not the right thing.
As I say often, so much of what makes this initial postpartum time so difficult is how little people talk about the reality of what goes on. I truly believe that shedding light on some of these less-than-awesome aspects of the experience can help women significantly to manage expectations. We all know a woman or two who seemed to have lost her baby weight immediately after delivery. But to be fair, we also know a woman or two who can eat brownies and ice cream after dinner every night and never gain an ounce. Our bodies all work differently, so to compare our postpartum weight loss to our friends' - and to expect our own to be equally as simple - is a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment. Instead, remind yourself what an amazing process your body has just been through. Nine months of housing and caring for a growing fetus followed by hours of labor and eventual delivery. Your body is an absolute warrior. To thrust upon it a new goal of losing weight right away is borderline abusive.
Nature is a pretty incredible thing. Women's bodies were made to have babies. They were designed to put on extra weight during pregnancy and then to lose it when it's no longer needed. What we should be telling women who are expecting their first baby is to enjoy those first months of motherhood without worrying about what they look like. To think of nothing else other than their baby's needs, adjusting to their new family dynamic, and learning the ins and outs of parenthood. Weight shouldn't be part of the conversation.
I do understand that returning to pre-baby size after delivery is a concern that expecting mothers have, and I don't mean to trivialize it. But understanding that this, like everything else in motherhood, is a process that takes time is crucial. Weight loss will come, but it will take some work and it probably won't happen right away. If more women knew this going in, and weren't being fed some line about breastfeeding being weight loss magic, then they could properly prepare themselves and be less distracted and disappointed when the baby comes, leaving them with more time to focus on the things that really matter.
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