A Few Things I Want to Tell My Son

It's so interesting to talk to soon-to-be-parents about their thoughts on the gender of their unborn child. So often, I hear men talking about how terrified they are of having girls. Not because they would prefer to raise sons, but because having been boys themselves not so long ago, they fear what awaits their daughters out there in the big, bad world. This fear does not go away for some fathers, and I have had several conversations with girlfriends of mine who have disclosed details of how carefully their fathers monitored their comings and goings as teenagers. These same friends have also said that their fathers did not treat their brothers the same way. I have seen similar behavior watching some of my parents friends with their children. I thought about this a lot when I was pregnant, and I vowed that if I had a girl, I would work with my husband to make sure that our daughter was not raised with that kind of double standard. Having grown up as a woman myself, I knew I would want her to learn to value her mind and to respect her body. I was confident that if I could teach her those two things and foster open communication, then there would be no reason to worry.

But I never really thought about what my vow would be if I had a boy. I grew up with three sisters, so I had no firsthand knowledge of what goes into raising a son. Then one day last August I gave birth to a boy and suddenly I had to think about it.  What kinds of traps can parents fall into when raising a boy? What messages are we unconsciously sending to our sons? What are we inadvertently doing to promote gender stereotypes in our own home? Are we doing anything to actively dispel any of these notions?

I've noticed over the last ten months that I've started looking at almost everything through this new lens of motherhood. Whether it be song lyrics, a TV show, or a story in the newspaper, I find myself critiquing the world, trying to figure out what messages are out there, potentially already invading my son's tiny head. Miller Lite has created an ad campaign where a group of male friends threaten one of their buddies with the confiscation of his "man card" for exhibiting certain "unmanly" behaviors. In one commercial the offending behavior is crying; in another, it is asking friends if they want to accompany him to the bathroom. I found myself wondering what commercials like this might convey to my son about what it is that makes him a man. Every time I see one of these commercials, it reminds me how hard I'm going to have to work to teach my son the things I want him to know. I decided to make a list of the messages I actually want him to receive. Not everything on this list is specifically related to the notions society directs towards men. But, with that idea as my guide, I thought about what I really want him to learn, and this is what I came up with. I am going to hold on to it and reread it from time to time to make sure I don't lose sight of the things that really matter.

1. Talking about your feelings does not make you weak. Women are not the only people with emotions. Everybody has feelings and it is important to share them with people you trust. Keeping your feelings pent up inside doesn't do anybody any good and will likely be damaging down the road.

2. It is okay to cry if you are sad, and in fact, I encourage it. I do not mean that every time you fall or scrape your knee, it is appropriate to cry. Nor do I mean that you must bare your soul publicly. But, when you are in pain, do not feel that you have to hide your tears from me, or your dad, or from the people you trust. It's okay to be vulnerable, it just means you are human.

3. There is no reason for you not to play with dolls if that's what you want to do. Learning a thing or two about loving and caring for someone who needs you will only serve you later in life.

4. Knowing how to apologize is just about the most important thing any person can learn.

5. Sometimes it will be impossible to avoid hurting someone you care about. That doesn't make you a bad person. But you can be respectful and decent even when letting people down. Make that a goal.

6. We live in a world that defaults to heterosexuality. You aren't even ten months old yet and already people look at you and make comments about your future girlfriends. I can only imagine how many times you will be made to feel like being with a woman is what is expected of you. I want you to know that I have no expectations when it comes to your sexuality. Your happiness is all that matters to your father and me. All we want is for you to love deeply and be loved in return.

7. If you don't like watching sports, that's okay. If you don't like playing sports, that's okay, too. I do hope you find something you love to do, though. And I hope you get to do it often.

8. My capacity to forgive is great, and my love for you is endless, but drink and drive and I will leave you in jail. 

9. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is the single biggest lie adults have ever told children. Words can be deadly. Be careful with yours.

10. There is nothing unmanly about calling your mother.