I have been wanting to write a blog post about sex - sex and pregnancy, sex and parenthood - for a long time. But, being that this is a personal blog, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to start a frank conversation without being too transparent about the details of my own sex life. However, I have been doing this parenting blog for over a year and I have had the incredible opportunity to speak with many mothers along the way that I now feel I have collected enough anecdotal information to be able to write knowledgeably without relying solely on my own experiences.
So here goes. Sex. It's one of those things that is extremely personal and person-specific. Our sexual encounters are unique from the moment we start having them, and introducing the life experiences of pregnancy and motherhood does not change that at all. Sitting in a room with ten new mothers would probably yield ten different reactions to questions about having sex while pregnant. Some women are too nauseous during the first trimester to be even remotely in the mood for sex. Others are so overly concerned with miscarrying that they can't engage in sexual behavior in the early weeks, even though there is absolutely no evidence linking intercourse to loss of pregnancy. Some women describe intense arousal and very vivid sexual dreams during the second trimester; others don't experience this at all. By the third trimester, some women are so uncomfortable in their new, larger bodies, that the idea of sex is ridiculous to them. But for some women, feeling attractive to their partners at this stage is so important that they find themselves craving sex to the very end. Most women have some combination of several different feelings when it comes to sex and pregnancy.
Experiences also vary significantly in regards to feelings surrounding postpartum sex. There are women who come skipping home from their 6-week postpartum gynecological exam ready to get back on the horse as soon as they've gotten the okay from their doctors. Other women are still having a hard time standing for more than a few minutes and jut the thought of sex makes them wince. Some women fall somewhere in the middle, feeling stronger every day, but not necessarily ready to proceed down that road yet. Different deliveries will yield different physical changes - c-sections will differ from vaginal deliveries, episiotomy recovery won't be the same as natural or no tearing. Some women have one experience with their first delivery and an entirely different one with their second. It is impossible to know how you will feel, both physically and emotionally until you are there.
A few things to keep in mind about sex, through pregnancy and the postpartum months:
1. Your partner can't read your mind.
Being pregnant and birthing a child are experiences unlike any other. The conflicting emotions and hormonal ups and downs can make a woman feel completely out of control. On the one hand there is excitement and anticipation. On the other, fear and worry. Sometimes, there is an overwhelming rush of emotion that cannot be connected to anything specific. Additionally, there is also physical discomfort from itchiness to heartburn to back pain during pregnancy to all the soreness of postpartum recovery after the baby is born. It may seem incredibly obvious to you on a particular evening that sex is not in the cards, but unless you tell your partner, he* cannot possible know that. It is important to be able to talk about sex openly and honestly. If you are feeling too much physical discomfort to have sex, let him know. If emotionally, you don't feel like you could handle it, talk about it. If you feel unattractive and are repulsed by the idea of sex, bring it up. You may even find that your partner is able to help you work through some of that by helping you see yourself through his eyes. The point is, don't expect your partner to know how you are feeling if you don't tell him. This whole pregnancy thing is a mystery to you both, but only one of you knows what it actually feels like.
2. Manage expectations.
One of the biggest misconceptions that gets couples into trouble is this notion that a woman will be ready to resume sexual activity six weeks after delivery. Six weeks is the minimum amount of postpartum recovery time recommended by obstetricians and gynecologists. However, when sitting in childbirth classes or reading through hospital FAQs it is sometimes misinterpreted - by mothers and their partners alike - as more of an exact date. All couples should recognize that it may take longer than 6 weeks for a woman to be ready to have sex again. Even if the doctor says a woman is physically ready to go, she may not feel quite ready yet. It is a good idea for everyone involved to manage these expectations ahead of time. Having a conversation before heading to the doctor is a good place to start. Check in with yourself and with your partner and discuss how you will feel if the doctor gives you the green light. Do you feel you are ready? Do you need a little more time? What's causing the apprehension? You may want to prepare some questions to ask the doctor to make sure all of your fears are addressed before returning home to your partner. By being proactive about this conversation, you are ensuring that no one will be disappointed by a reality that falls short of the expectations set forth months earlier, before either of you knew how you'd be feeling.
3. Engage in other romantic activities.
We tend to spend a lot of time focusing on things we don't have. There are some couples who, for one reason or another, have very little sex during pregnancy. Others have plenty of sex during pregnancy but then need months before attempting sex after the baby is born. No matter what the scenario, most couples will notice the lack of sex at one time or another, particularly the partner who is not experiencing the other physical and emotional sensations that account for this period of abstinence. Focusing on this lack of sex can lead to a strain on a relationship, especially if it isn't replaced with other forms of intimacy. Make sure to carve out a little couple time during these early stages of parenthood. Whether it be snuggling on the couch or sharing dinner and conversation (it can most definitely be take-out), try and grab 30 minutes here and there to really connect. It doesn't have to be anything major, but continuing to find time to bond with your partner is particularly important with a new baby, especially when sex is on hold for a while.
Also, don't mistake bonding time with the baby for bonding time with your partner. It is easy to feel that time spent playing with the new baby is nurturing the couple relationship since it is time together and both partners get so much joy out of their joint love of the new baby. And while this play time is incredibly special, and is helping to strengthen the new family dynamic, it does not replace the attention that the couple relationship still needs and deserves.
4. Be patient and take it slow.
Perhaps the most difficult and confusing thing about sex post-childbirth is that all the parts of a woman's anatomy that were, up until this point, used solely for sexual pleasure - namely, the breasts and vagina - have suddenly become the vessels through which life is born and sustained. It is a very bizarre reality to truly understand for the first time, and it is one that we don't do a very good job talking about as a society. It can be quite tricky for both the new mom and her partner to relate to these body parts in the same way they did before. Try not to feel rushed to get back to the way things were pre-baby. Give yourselves time to readjust and find ways to adapt to your new, temporary circumstances. You may need to make some changes to the way you have sex, at least for a little while. Certain favorite positions may be too painful for a little while, so take time to find ones that work. New, larger, milk-heavy breasts may need more support, and wearing a bra during sex may be more comfortable. Be prepared to be vocal with your partner about what you need, as he may naturally proceed as he always has, requiring you to be very clear about what is or is not working for you.
5. Time heals.
I recognize that reading some of these points as an expectant parent can be a little scary. It's likely that some of these things have not occurred to you yet, and that some of the issues that I've mentioned seem pretty upsetting. So, I will take a page directly out of my own experience to reassure you of one thing: time heals. The pain and discomfort, the weirdness about breastfeeding and having sex, the balance of sharing your body with your child and your partner - it all gets easier and better with time.
I really believe that part of what makes all of this so difficult is that we don't talk about it enough. Couples find themselves at this new crossroads with absolutely no idea of what to expect. My goal here is to address some of the things that can be surprising, so that people are better prepared for what lies ahead.
*I use male pronouns for partners throughout this article for convenience and because it reflects my own experience. I recognize that there are many women who live the role of partner to a pregnant woman and there is no reason why these points wouldn't apply to those couples as well.
