I've noticed a trend among all the mothers I talk to. New mothers, veteran mothers, it doesn't really matter. Everybody seems to be suffering from this same phenomenon: mommy guilt. The mothers who work feel guilty about the time they spend away from their children. The moms who are at home feel guilty about sometimes wishing they were somewhere else. The working moms who don't feel guilty about being away, end up feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. There always seems to be some reason for moms to feel burdened with guilt.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? I think there are a few contributing factors. One major piece is that this is a byproduct of the "mommy wars," the comparing and judging that the mom community is constantly engaging in. Women feel guilty because they are concerned that other mothers are criticizing their choices. I would love to say that these women are paranoid, but the truth is this is the culture that exists in parenting today. As I wrote about last month, that heinous murder was committed in Manhattan, and instead of unified support for the family, there were women who took to the internet to point fingers at the mother for her choice to use a nanny. Feeling like there are always other women out there who think you are making a bad choice can be very troublesome for a parent and can lead to feelings of guilt over each and every decision. The thing that we all have to remember is that there will be people who think we are making the wrong choice no matter what choice we make. Mothers who stay at home get ridiculed for having no ambition. Women who work full-time are abandoning their children when they need them most. Women who breastfeed are wonderful but only if they stay in their homes and don't offend others with their feeding rituals. Women who formula feed are poisoning their babies. There is absolutely no way for us to please the masses, so my suggestion would be to not try. It's your life and your family and the decisions you make are the ones you believe are best for all parties involved. End of discussion.
Another reason I think mothers feel guilty is because of this ongoing conversation about a woman's ability to "have it all." People keep wanting to prove that it is possible for a mother to do everything and so when we fall short we fear that it is because we are inadequate, not because it is actually impossible. We all have to make choices based on the needs of our families. In today's economy, staying home full time is not an option for many women. How can we justify feeling guilty about going out and making money in order to provide food and shelter and clothing for our children? For other families it is not a financial decision but rather an understanding on the part of the mother that she will not get the fulfillment she desires if she does not have something in her life that is separate from her role as a parent. We all need to feel content by our lives as a whole. Some people get that feeling from being at home, others do not. It is imperative, as I've said many times, that mothers get to be the best versions of themselves. How else can we expect them to be the best caregivers they can be?
The thing I want all mothers - and all people, really - to remember is that we are human beings first, mothers second. Yes, our children are the most important thing in the world to us. And yes, our role as mother is the most important role we fill. But we still have to be ourselves. We still have to live our own lives and participate in activities that excite us and continue to explore and learn and indulge. Our life's journey does not end the day we become parents. We do not commit to completely losing ourselves in our new family. Rather, we add a new dimension to the ways in which we can experience joy. This does not mean that the old ways disappear. It just means we may not have as much time to focus on the other things. We may not travel as often or write as many blog posts or read as many books. But, when the opportunity to do those things comes along, jump on them. And do not feel guilty for a moment.
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