We Need to Talk to Our Sons, but We Need To Talk to Our Daughters, Too

I have spent the last three years thinking about everything I want to make sure to teach my sons on their way to becoming men. When my oldest was 10-months-old I put together this list of points to counter the negative messages I noticed society was sending. This past May, I sat again, and compiled a new list for my boys. This one in response to a shooting in Isla Vista in which a male perpetrator claimed his killing spree was retribution for women refusing to sleep with him. 

I have championed the idea that victim-blaming is toxic, that it is not a woman's responsibility to dress conservatively, but rather it is a man's responsibility not to assault her. I stand by this as strongly today as I ever have. But, I worry that in that message we have put so much focus on what we need to be telling our boys that we have neglected to give our girls some very important information. In the wake of the harrowing piece in Rolling Stone magazine about rape and sexual misconduct on the University of Virginia campus, I had a startling realization:  women don't realize that being raped is a violent crime.

If in the midst of a fraternity party a man with a gun barged in and demanded that all party-goers empty their pockets, I feel confident that someone would call the police in the aftermath. Why is it, then, that students are quoted as saying that they didn't believe Charlottesville police had jurisdiction over what happens in a fraternity house? How is it possible that a woman could think that a violent rape is the kind of thing that should be handled at the discretion of school officials?

The ordeal described by Jackie in the Rolling Stone article is beyond appalling, but equally as disturbing is the reaction she received from her friends. People who saw her beaten, bloody, and clearly sexually abused advised her to keep her mouth shut so as not to rock the boat or ruin their social standing at the university. This response contributes to the severity of the problem almost as much as the assault itself. We are failing our children.

It's not something we want to think about. Nobody wants to consider the possibility that our children could be taken advantage of at all, let alone to such a horrifying degree. Nobody wants to imagine their daughters on the receiving end of what Jackie endured. But our daughters need to know. They need to know that if they should ever find themselves victims of sexual assault, getting examined immdiately is the best way to nail the offenders. They need to know that filing a police report is not only within their rights but that we encourage them to go after the boy(s) who did this to them. They need to know that they can call us and we will not judge them or get angry with them, but rather we will love them and advocate for them.

And then we need to put our money where our mouth is. We need to come together as parents, teachers, administrators and community members and support our girls. We need to be clear in our conviction that we won't stand for sexual assault on our college campuses, or anywhere else. We need to make sure that these boys/men know there are consequences.

I have been torturing myself reading comment threads on articles about Bill Cosby. So many people point to the lack of police reports at the time of the alleged assaults to suggest that the women who have come forward are lying. Women don't report abuse because they know they won't be believed and then when they finally find the strength to say something, they aren't believed because of the lack of report.

Collectively we need to teach our girls that their safety and their well-being matter. Those of us with boys need to commit to raising sons who understand the meaning of the word no and the importance of the word yes. We need to stress regularly that sex is not an entitlement, that women are allowed to turn them down without fearing repercussion, and that they only get to get laid when they find a willing partner. But even with all of that, some women will be assaulted. And when that happens, we need to make sure that those girls know exactly what has just happened to them and exactly what they can do about it.

Of course there is always an option not to report, and yes, a woman should know that is her prerogative. But it can't come from a place of fear. It can't be because she feels somehow responsible for being raped. If a woman wants to go after her assailant she should know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she is supported. End of discussion.