Dear Stay-at-Home Mom: What do you DO all day?!

Over the last few years I have come across blog posts and articles as well anecdotal facebook statuses and tweets written by stay-at-home moms, all making the same point: There is nothing more insulting than being asked what they do all day. Whether they've chosen to be home with their children because they can't imagine being anywhere else, or they've come to the conclusion that working out of the home is not financially feasible, or any other of the many reasons women stay at home, they all seem to agree on this one point.

Perhaps it is the way the question is phrased, or the intonation of the person who asks it, but the way it is received is most often as a belittling of the job of mother. Because this is how the question is heard, it is usually answered (when it's answered at all) with some generic response like "I'm molding a future generation" or "I'm raising my children," both of which are true, but don't actually answer the question.

I recognize why this question is hard to hear, especially given the history of feminism and the pressure women sometimes feel to work outside of the home. I also know that some people ask it in a way that is offensive and condescending and makes a woman doubt her choices, even when she is perfectly happy with them. But the truth of the matter is, it's a valid question - one that I could and would ask to anyone who has a job that I don't know very much about. I would likely use different wording, but the gist would be the same: So you're an accountant? What exactly do you do? No one I know with an outside-the-home job would be insulted by this question. I've asked my brother-in-law to explain what he does at least a half a dozen times; I still don't really understand it.

Instead of hearing the negativity, we need to be hearing this question as an opportunity to explain our lives to people who are unfamiliar with what it means to be home with children. Not only would it be helpful for the corporate-minded among us to have a better understanding of what stay-at-home parenting is (and it would be really helpful), but it would also start a dialogue that could greatly benefit parents.

I am currently home with my 3-year-old and 8-month-old and, especially as it gets cooler, every day is a challenge. If it's not a day with any classes or playdates, I wake up with this dread in my belly that we have the whole long day ahead of us. If it happens to be raining, then it's confounded by the knowledge that the park is not an option. I am constantly wondering to myself "what do other people do all day?" And every time the question pops up in my head I think about all the times I've seen women get frustrated by it. I realized that if I - a mother who is herself at home with kids - wonders about what stay-at-home moms are doing with their time, then it stands to reason that people who have always worked away from home would be curious as well.

Most people I speak to who have traditional "jobs" appear to be in awe that I spend all day with my kids. Their questions about what our days look like are genuine curiosity. If we want to make the claim that being at-home parents is as legitimate a job as any (and it most certainly is), then let's allow people into our secret club. Let's stop hearing this question as insulting - even if it is presented that way - and start sharing what makes the job the job - the good, the bad, the ugly, the exhausting, the messy, the funny, you get the idea.