Mourning the Loss of Bill Cosby

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross knew how we would collectively react to the news of Bill Cosby. As more and more information comes to light and it becomes clearer and clearer that a man many of us loved throughout our childhoods is not who we thought he was. As woman after woman share stories of drugs and sexual assault. As the reality sets in that the beloved Heathcliff Huxtable was portrayed by a predator and we begin to understand that the Bill Cosby we've known and loved does not exist. Kubler-Ross knew: denial.

When I read the comments online - this is a thing I do that borders on masochism - I am not surprised by the many people coming to Cosby's defense.  Of course there are those who will always claim a woman is lying in situations like this - even when there are over a dozen of them, making the same claim over the course of decades. Even when there is proof of money paid to cover it up. But, there are also people who will eventually come around. People who honestly want truth, who believe in the pursuit of justice, but right now, at this moment, cannot process this information.

We were all played for fools. We allowed this man into our homes night after night, week after week, and we enjoyed our time spent with him. We believed that he was the picture of goodness, a family man with the ability to make us laugh until our sides hurt. His kindness and good humor seemed genuine. How could any of this be?

And yet, here we are. And it is almost too much to grasp. Years and years of deception. Laughs we cannot get back that make it feel like we've been complicit in this heinous behavior for a very, very long time. How are we to make sense of this cognitive dissonance? How are we to reconcile the death of this idea, this man who turns out to be a phantom? We cannot. And so we deny. We come up with theories about how this is all a lie. The accusations are false. They must be. There is no other explanation.

Except they are not. And together we are going to have to find a way to get through it. We are going to have to forgive ourselves for not knowing. We are going to have to admit that it is possible to be that good at hiding something this bad. We are going to have to commit to creating an environment where women feel safe to come forward about this kind of assault when it happens and not 30 years later. 

I am devastated by this loss. I feel like a big chunk of my youth was a lie. I think of all the times I have quoted The Cosby Show with my parents and sisters and I want to throw up. But, the fact that I can't fathom it doesn't make it untrue. We all have to come together and find our way through our grief, ultimately arriving at the last Kubler-Ross stage: acceptance. This really happened. No matter how badly we all wish it didn't.