What's With All the Guilt?!

I've noticed a trend among all the mothers I talk to. New mothers, veteran mothers, it doesn't really matter. Everybody seems to be suffering from this same phenomenon: mommy guilt. The mothers who work feel guilty about the time they spend away from their children. The moms who are at home feel guilty about sometimes wishing they were somewhere else. The working moms who don't feel guilty about being away, end up feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. There always seems to be some reason for moms to feel burdened with guilt.

Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? I think there are a few contributing factors. One major piece is that this is a byproduct of the "mommy wars," the comparing and judging that the mom community is constantly engaging in. Women feel guilty because they are concerned that other mothers are criticizing their choices. I would love to say that these women are paranoid, but the truth is this is the culture that exists in parenting today. As I wrote about last month, that heinous murder was committed in Manhattan, and instead of unified support for the family, there were women who took to the internet to point fingers at the mother for her choice to use a nanny. Feeling like there are always other women out there who think you are making a bad choice can be very troublesome for a parent and can lead to feelings of guilt over each and every decision. The thing that we all have to remember is that there will be people who think we are making the wrong choice no matter what choice we make. Mothers who stay at home get ridiculed for having no ambition. Women who work full-time are abandoning their children when they need them most. Women who breastfeed are wonderful but only if they stay in their homes and don't offend others with their feeding rituals. Women who formula feed are poisoning their babies. There is absolutely no way for us to please the masses, so my suggestion would be to not try. It's your life and your family and the decisions you make are the ones you believe are best for all parties involved. End of discussion.

Another reason I think mothers feel guilty is because of this ongoing conversation about a woman's ability to "have it all." People keep wanting to prove that it is possible for a mother to do everything and so when we fall short we fear that it is because we are inadequate, not because it is actually impossible. We all have to make choices based on the needs of our families. In today's economy, staying home full time is not an option for many women. How can we justify feeling guilty about going out and making money in order to provide food and shelter and clothing for our children? For other families it is not a financial decision but rather an understanding on the part of the mother that she will not get the fulfillment she desires if she does not have something in her life that is separate from her role as a parent. We all need to feel content by our lives as a whole. Some people get that feeling from being at home, others do not. It is imperative, as I've said many times, that mothers get to be the best versions of themselves. How else can we expect them to be the best caregivers they can be?

The thing I want all mothers - and all people, really - to remember is that we are human beings first, mothers second. Yes, our children are the most important thing in the world to us. And yes, our role as mother is the most important role we fill. But we still have to be ourselves. We still have to live our own lives and participate in activities that excite us and continue to explore and learn and indulge. Our life's journey does not end the day we become parents. We do not commit to completely losing ourselves in our new family. Rather, we add a new dimension to the ways in which we can experience joy. This does not mean that the old ways disappear. It just means we may not have as much time to focus on the other things. We may not travel as often or write as many blog posts or read as many books. But, when the opportunity to do those things comes along, jump on them. And do not feel guilty for a moment.

Oh the Places Being a Mom Will Take me...Or How I Wound Up On Stage With Joseph Gordon-Levitt

It never ceases to amaze me the ways that motherhood has changed my life. I feel like I am still myself and yet the mother part of me has been incorporated into the old me to create this new person. Last night all the different parts of me came together for a wonderful few moments.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I spent my high school and college years acting and that I continued for a few years after graduation. In 2007, I decided to switch gears and get my masters and I pushed a lot of my creative energy down to make room for a more pragmatic lifestyle. I love being a social worker but I have definitely felt something missing over the years. To that end, I have continued writing in my spare time, and blogging was the first way I found to connect to something and to fill the void that acting has left behind. Then, about a month ago, I discovered hitrecord.org.

Hitrecord is an online artists collaborative founded by Joseph Gordon-Levitt that allows creative spirits of all kinds to connect and make bigger and better art together. Writers post stories that can then be illustrated; illustrators post drawings and musicians write songs about them. It is an amazing way for people all over the world to find other like-minded artists and work together. It has been a haven for me since I found it. I spend hours on the site, finding illustrations to write about and being inspired by the amazing talent of this community.

So when I discovered that Joe (as JGL is known in this world) was taking the show on the road AND that one of the stops was Philadelphia AND that it was a night that Scott was on vacation, I decided all signs were pointing to me buying us tickets.  And so I did. But, I didn't really know what the live show would entail and so I bought us tickets waaaay up in the second balcony of the Kimmel Center's Merriam Theater. I learned as the day got closer from other artists in the community that it's a very interactive show and that being in the orchestra makes it much easier to be involved. Oh well, I thought. I just want to see the magic live.

When we arrived at the theater, the pre-show screen was asking questions pertaining to the night's theme of "the road." One such question asked audience members to tweet responses to what kinds of non-asphalt roads/paths they've traveled down. I decided to do as they asked and tweeted the following "@tqbarbash: On a sometimes bumpy road w amazing twists and turns and incredible views and stops along the way. I call it motherhood #hitrecordontheroad" And then I thought nothing of it.

When the show started, Joe came out to lots of fanfare and screaming. As soon as the show began, he said that what he wanted to do tonight was talk about the road. "In fact someone was just writing something that I like, that I want to talk to this person, named tqbarbash. Are you here?" I was pretty sure that being all the way up where I was he was just going to tell me to forget it, but he didn't. He said "well let's go, hustle down here, I want to talk to you" And then I joined him on stage and spent 3 minutes or so talking to a crowd of nearly 1900 people about motherhood and the way the road shifts and your destination changes but it's totally awesome. He was lovely and genuine and I am honored that he took the time to talk about the journey of being a mom.

Here is the piece I posted on the site about the experience: Motherhood - On The Road

And here is a youtube link of the clip (he calls me down around 2:25, and then I actually get to the stage around 4:45) The audio isn't great and the person who filmed it had the camera sideways for some reason, but for now this is the only version I have. TQB and JGL

UPDATE*** Here is a much better video TQB and JGL 2

Enjoy!
xo, tqb

A Matter of Perspective

This is going to be a short post. I don't have much to say today, but the last 7 days have been such a whirlwind of devastation that I felt the need to say something.

Never in my life have I been handed such a heaping dose of perspective. A week that started with the senseless killing of two innocent children and evolved into the worst devastation we've ever seen in the Northeast of the United States.

I've woken up every day this week and taken a moment to acknowledge how lucky I am. I have found myself shrugging my shoulders at things that would ordinarily bother me, with a new attitude of "no matter how bad I feel right now, it could be much worse." I am the first person to say that it is not healthy or even possible to go through life constantly comparing our situations to others and denying ourselves our feelings because others are suffering. However, in this case, given the proximity of all of this horror, I am aware of the fragility of life more than I ever have been and I am using this opportunity to remind myself how fortunate I am. I am sure that as time goes on this new found perspective will fade a little, but I hope not to lose sight of the fact that every day with the people I love is a gift I should be grateful for. You just never know what tomorrow will bring.

Text "red cross" to 90999 to donate $10 to hurricane relief efforts. (donation will be tacked onto your cell phone bill)