The Art of Talking to Pregnant Women

I haven't thought about pregnancy in a while. It's been 18 months since I was pregnant and from almost the moment I made the transition to post-partum life, I forgot about what it had been like for the 40 weeks prior to motherhood. But, I have a lot of friends who are pregnant at the moment, some for the first time, and so I've been engaging in some conversations recently about the kinds of experiences women go through when they are pregnant. Additionally I've been seeing a lot of pregnancy photos on facebook and instagram and quietly noting the way that people respond to pregnant women and the words they use in congratulating them and wishing them well.

I want to really stress those last words - congratulating them and wishing them well. There is no question in my mind that when people speak to pregnant women they are trying to express excitement over what is happening. Unfortunately, this often comes out in unkind and hurtful ways. The thing that is so difficult about pregnancy is that it is an incredibly private experience that is happening in an extraordinarily public way. There is no way to control this, of course, and so women are left being very exposed and end up falling prey to whatever comments and questions people feel like throwing at them.

What's interesting is how much of this is learned from experience. I cringe thinking of some of the things I said to pregnant women before I went through it myself. I remember one instance in particular where a former coworker came to an event I was working and was 7 months pregnant. Our exchange went like this:

Me: Wow! I didn't even know you were pregnant! How far along are you?
Her: 7 months!
Me: Oh my goodness! You're going to get even bigger?! That's crazy!!
Her: Um..yeah...it's okay. I feel good...it's really all in my belly.

I don't know why the exchange stuck with me, but it did and I always had this nagging sense that I'd said the wrong thing. And as time went on and I went through my own pregnancy I began to realize what I didn't understand, and what so many people still don't: Yes, when you get pregnant you get bigger. Yes, this is totally normal and expected and necessary and obvious. But, no, it does not mean that it is fun or enjoyable or easy to accept. No one means any harm when they make these comments to pregnant women, I know I certainly did not. But what is important for all of us to realize is that body changes are very sensitive experiences. You would never walk up to a woman who has gained a few pounds and say "wow, you're looking bigger than last time I saw you!" Of course a woman knows that she is going to put on weight and that she will inevitably look larger than she did when she was not pregnant. But, that does not mean that she is not self-conscious about the transformation or that she isn't having a hard time with what her body is doing.

Additionally, there are all kinds of thoughts and concerns that pregnant women have to deal with. Each pregnancy is unique and every woman deals with different things.  There's no way to know what a woman is going through regarding her pregnancy and so you really have to be careful with what you say. Speaking personally, I remember being particularly concerned that my butt was getting big. It didn't seem to be something that I had much control over, so I tried not to think about it, but it definitely made me self-conscious. When people would tell me that my belly looked small, it only exacerbated my concern that all the weight I was gaining was in the wrong places. I was well aware that their intentions were good (everyone wants to hear they look tiny!) and I also knew that no one could possibly know what was going on in my head. But, it didn't change the fact that their words made their way inside my head and fed the self-consciousness that was already hiding there.

You just can't know what a woman is feeling. So, when you approach a pregnant woman, there is really only one thing you are allowed to say to her regarding her appearance. "You look wonderful." That's it. It doesn't matter if in your mind she is larger or smaller or wider or narrower or if you can't tell she's pregnant from the back or if you barely recognize her face. You tell her she looks wonderful. Because she is carrying a baby and she looks exactly how she is supposed to look. And I thought about this for a long time, debating if the right advice is really not to comment on a woman's appearance at all. And in an ideal world I think that would be the best way to go. But, I try to be realistic about the world we live in. And commenting on the appearance of a pregnant woman (and really ALL women) is so common that I fear that if we said nothing at all a woman may interpret that negatively as well. So instead, I say, tell her she looks wonderful. Don't be specific, don't tell her what parts of her body you are looking at or thinking about or noticing. Keep it simple and move on.

While we are on the topic of pregnancy etiquette, I do also want to mention that though baby bumps are out there for all to see, they are not out there for all to touch. As inviting as they may seem, do NOT ever touch a woman's belly without explicit permission to do so. The addition of a fetus to a woman's uterus does not suddenly make her body any less her own. You would not walk up to a stranger on the subway and fondle her breast, so do not touch a pregnant woman's belly unsolicited.

And the next time you run into a pregnant friend or see a "bump photo" online, do whatever you have to do to stifle the urge to say "OMG! You look huuuuge!!" A pregnant woman, like any other, wants to feel comfortable in her own skin. No matter how much she knows the changes she is experiencing are appropriate and healthy, hearing other people comment on how she looks - no matter how complimentary you think those comments are - is going to be unpleasant. So don't do it.

Quick and Easy Activity to Do With Your Toddler

I am so lucky to be able to spend a couple of days a week at home with my son. But, with the weather being so cold, it's been challenging to think of good ways to spend our time together. I am sure other mothers are having the same difficulty, so I thought I'd share this little game we played yesterday that my son really loved.

I brought out 4 pieces of tupperware and a pitcher of water. I let him watch me as I poured some water into each container. I then took out food coloring and proceeded to turn each bowl of water into a different color. I wasn't sure what we would do once I'd added the colors, but I hoped that he would at least be interested in watching the change. What was great was that he then, on his own, started sticking his hands into each bowl and seeing what happened to his hand as it was submerged in the colored water. It did get somewhat messy (I threw down a towel after the photo was taken), but he was completely fascinated and it was definitely worth the trouble.

My son is 18-months-old and doesn't have the longest attention span so it was not an activity that took up too much time, but it was nice to take a break from our usual story/puzzles/blocks routine. It was also a fun way to go over the names of each of the colors. As he gets older I may add some extra empty tupperware and experiment with pouring in the different colors and seeing what they make when mixed together.

What are some of the ways that you and your toddler keep busy when you're cooped up in the house? Share in the comments below :)

Reclaiming Valentine's Day

As I've mentioned many times, I spend a lot of time these days thinking about the world around me and trying to see things through the lens of motherhood. The most recent topic to occupy my brain is Valentine's Day. I've always felt that the holiday was pretty silly, perpetuated by the chocolate companies and the card companies, and marketed in such an over-top-way that the negative impact on those not in relationships far outweighs the positive experience of the couples. That said, it is an impossible day to avoid, and since I expect that it will be celebrated at daycare, I've been thinking about what kind of a day I want it to be.

I started contemplating what conversations I could have with my son about Valentine's Day. He is only 18-months-old, but I like to explain things to him and it would be great to come up with something to say to him now that I could expand on as he gets older.  Yesterday it occurred to me that there is a great opportunity here.

We have a day on the calendar every year that is specifically devoted to love, and yet we live in a country where the majority of states still say it's illegal for two people who love each other to get married, if they happen to be the same sex. We have a long way to go as a country to truly respect each other's rights to love. As parents it is our job to teach our children to love and respect others and to fight for all people's freedom.  We are responsible for ensuring that the next generation is even more loving, more open-minded, and more insistent that change happens. What better time to start that conversation than on Valentine's Day? As of tomorrow, February 14, 2013, I am declaring Valentine's Day as a true Day of Love. Not just a day to express love to our partners (although, that will certainly still be a part of it), but also a day to talk to our children about the importance of loving and respecting (and fighting for) other's rights to love.

And it doesn't have to just be talk. It's also a great opportunity to engage our children in some activism. Make a donation to an LGBT-friendly organization, write a letter to a representative expressing your feelings on the importance of allowing all people to marry, check out websites like It Gets Better and make a plan to get involved. 

Whatever you do, let's do something. Let's reclaim Valentine's Day for Love. 
 

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