Weighing In on Having It All

In the last few weeks, the discussion about whether or not it is possible for women to “have it all” has resurfaced, with a vengeance. I read this article in the Atlantic two weeks ago and thought it was really brave of Anne-Marie Slaughter to speak so candidly about how she felt stuck between a rock and a hard place when it came to balancing her intense Washington job and her two teenage boys. I appreciated the fact that she brought up and argued against some of the points Sheryl Sandberg made in her TED seminar, addressing the unfortunate fact that women are often made to feel like they are to blame when they are unable to do everything. 

Last week, the news came out that Marissa Mayer, formerly of Google, will be taking over as the CEO of Yahoo – effective immediately – and that she is six months pregnant with her first child. The announcement has led to much conversation about what kind of precedent Mayer will set as a high-profile mother and executive. She has already explained that she does not plan on allowing maternity leave to take her out of the game for too long, and that even when she’s out, she'll still have one foot in the door. 

I don't know Marissa Mayer. I imagine she is an incredibly intelligent, resourceful and talented woman to have made it as far as she has. However, I also think that the strangest thing about pregnancy is how we are so intensely anticipating something that we cannot even begin to fathom. The changes that occur immediately after giving birth cannot be understood until they are felt. The thing about Mayer’s comments that worry me are that they are spoken without any acknowledgment of the hormonal shift that happens at this time. How Mayer will deal with this influx of emotions is entirely unknown, even to Mayer herself. However, even with this uncertainty, Mayer feels confident talking about how available she will be in the weeks after her son is born. Whether or not she is able to maintain the connection to her work that she's proclaimed she will is yet to be seen. But, by making these comments so publicly she has already sent a message, not only to other women but, possibly more importantly, to the men we work with, that maternity leave need not be a full break from the workplace. 

Many women would counter this point by arguing that maternity leave absolutely needs to be a full break from the workplace. They would go on to say that someone like Marissa Mayer can afford to hire nurses and nannies and housekeepers and that it is preposterous to hold other women to the same standards as someone who has that kind of flexibility. These statements are fair and accurate, and I understand why women feel frustrated by the fact that they are being asked to live up to unattainable expectations set by women at the very top of their fields. But I must also point out in light of the Atlantic discussion that that this model does not necessarily constitute having it all. We need to be very clear about how we define this particular expression. I think for most of us, the term suggests that it is possible to not only have children, but to give them the time and attention they need while also getting our jobs done efficiently. If this were not the case than Ms. Slaughter would not have found herself in such a difficult position. But after years of having her husband bear the brunt of the workload at home, she realized that she did not have it all - she mostly only had work. Similarly, Ms. Mayer's statements regarding her leave and her plans to work throughout it lead me to believe that the people who are looking to her to prove that it is possible to "have it all" should start looking elsewhere.

Ms. Mayer states that the board members at Yahoo "showed their evolved thinking" by hiring a pregnant woman. My feelings on this are bound to be unpopular. I know that women have been fighting long and hard to create these exact opportunities.  I think women are absolutely as capable as men and should be allowed to prove themselves in any field they wish to be a part of. But, I don’t necessarily think it was forward-thinking or advisable to hire a woman who is pregnant with her first child to do this particular job.
 
It is no secret that Yahoo is struggling. They need someone at the helm who is going to be able to give them all of her attention. I'm not saying that Mayer won't be able to figure it out. It is very possible she will, particularly because she can afford to have a lot of help. And I am glad that we live in a world where people can appreciate a woman's talent and realize that she is the person they want leading them. But, as I stated earlier, there is no way to know what kind of reaction Ms. Mayer, or any woman, is going to have to motherhood. Clearly, she believes she will be able to bounce back quickly and that staying connected to her job won't be too difficult. It is possible that she knows herself well enough to be able to predict this, but it is also quite possible that she does not. This kind of unknown paired with the intense needs of a company like Yahoo, isn't an ideal combination. It doesn't leave Ms. Mayer with much room to have any kind of experience other than a very smooth one, which is not necessarily realistic.  

Somewhere along the way the words "hormones" and "emotional" became synonymous with "weakness" when it came to women in the workforce. Women had to prove that they weren't going to fall apart in a meeting just because they were menstruating. In overcoming this stigma, we now find ourselves at the other extreme. We've worked so hard to show that we can control our hormones that we are afraid to admit that something major happens to a woman when she has a baby. When I read Mayer's plan for maternity leave, it sounded to me like a woman who is desperately trying to prove that she won't be weakened by the act of having a baby, that it will be just another hurdle she is sure to overcome. 

I worry that we live in a world where we are afraid to acknowledge what a big deal it is to become a mother. Women should absolutely be afforded the same opportunities as men, but we also need to be honest about when choices are necessary. I know for certain that I could not be a CEO of a major corporation and also be the kind of mother I want to be. I don't think that means that I am being slighted or punished for being a woman. It just means that there aren't enough hours in the day to make it possible for me to do both of those things. 

Marissa Mayer already knows that her job is incredibly important to her. She doesn't yet know how her feelings will play into her role of being a mother. Only once she discovers that can she truly plan how she wants to split her time. Whatever she chooses, I hope she feels satisfied. Ultimately it is finding satisfaction in whatever balance we are able to achieve that I think is the goal. As Ms. Slaughter discovered, sometimes we need to reevaluate our own satisfaction and make some different choices.

I Thought It Was Supposed to Get Easier

So here I am, almost 11 months into motherhood, and I'm thinking I've pretty much got the hang of it. We have our routine down, we (usually) manage to get out of the house on time in the morning and in bed on time in the evening. We keep to a pretty solid schedule, but I'm not opposed to messing with it a bit for the sake of getting out and socializing. Matty's eating like a champ and crawling all over. He's deep into his exploratory phase, putting his hands on anything in his reach and his mouth on anything that's not nailed down.  He's growing too fast for me, but that is to be expected, and probably won't ever stop.

Overall, I feel about a thousand times more comfortable with this mom gig than I did eleven months ago. Even the logistical things that used to make me hyperventilate (how are we going to get all of that into the car!?) are starting to freak me out less. I would say that things have definitely gotten easier. Except for one thing.

I did not take into account the shift that happens when a baby starts being more aware of his surroundings. Leaving Matty at daycare, putting him down on the floor after I carry him in from the car, even laying him down on my bed in the morning after I take him out of his crib - it is all cause for intense crying. This happy-go-lucky kid is suddenly very, very aware of when I am leaving him - even if it's just to walk across the room and he does not like it one bit.

I have always heard that around nine months babies start to develop separation anxiety, so this did not come as a total surprise. However, I've been thinking back to the first time I left Matty at daycare. It was a difficult experience, but the difficulty was all mine. I was sad to be leaving him. I was sad to go back to work. I was sad to be missing out on things. He, on the other hand, didn't know the difference. He was in a fun place with fun toys and he was perfectly happy. He had no understanding of my leaving and so once I got used to the idea of leaving him, the actual act of walking out the door was no big deal. Fast forward 7 months, and things have drastically changed. He knows exactly what's going on when I leave and he's not always so cool with it. Suddenly that walk out the door is a painful exchange of looks where I can see the pleading in my son's eyes saying "no, Mommy, please don't go." Amazingly, this sadness reached its height right after my husband and I left him with his grandparents for the weekend. I am always in awe of the intelligence babies have and the way they can translate experiences.

So, what's my point? Well, I like to find the lessons of parenthood along the way, and here is the one I've found in this new territory. Babies respond directly to how we behave. When a baby falls down the best thing to do is smile and say "boom! you're ok!," and clap our hands and make it seem like no big deal. It's when the grown ups start gasping and making a fuss that a kid will start crying (unless there's a real injury), because babies really do take our lead. So, as hard as it may be (and sometimes it's really, really hard), the best thing to do is just act like everything is fine. Every morning I drop my son off, and when it's time for me to go, I give him a kiss and I say goodbye and I tell him I'll be back at the end of the day. No drama. No drawn out goodbyes. Just a matter-of-fact exit. And when I realize he's going to start crying, I remind him again that I'll be back later, and then I go. I don't look back and I don't peek in (mostly because I consider that to be self-torture, although most often if I did look, I'd see that he's stopped crying within seconds of me walking out the door).

As I've always said, there is no right way to do this parenting thing. Different things really do work for different people, so I'm not suggesting this is the only way. Find something that works for you,  and go with it. The only thing I will caution against is this: it may seem like a good idea to sneak out so that the baby doesn't have a chance to get upset. Sometimes the thought of seeing that look and watching a baby cry is so distressing, that parents decide to leave while the child is looking the other way. The problem is that these early months are all about building trust. It's important for our babies to know that we leave them in the morning, but that we come back for them at night. Saying goodbye may be a rough moment, but it's a necessary one, as well. To be gone with no warning makes our children think that we can just disappear at any moment, which is an incredibly scary and anxiety-inducing notion.

These moments of sadness at separation are tough. Especially when reflecting on the fact that in the early days it was so much easier. But, it's also a good time for me to help my son understand that goodbye is not forever. I am teaching him now that he can trust that I will be there for him. I may have to go away sometimes - for work, or a trip with Daddy - but I will come back to him. In the long run, it's a really important thing for him to know, and I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to prove it to him now.