Let's Be Honest About Breastfeeding

During pregnancy, women spend a lot of time weighing decisions that they will soon have to face: Will I learn the sex of the baby prior to the birth? Will I use drugs during delivery? Who will be with me in the delivery room?  Where will my baby sleep? And possibly the question that concerns new parents the most - will I breastfeed or formula feed?

Deciding how to feed a baby is a personal decision that each mother must come to on her own. Many women choose to breastfeed after doing some research on the topic. They find information about the plethora of good nutrients in breast milk and the bonding power of nursing. They read testimonials of mothers who have loved the breastfeeding experience, and they are bombarded with the new mantra of pediatricians: breast is best. These women hear the positivity associated with breastfeeding and come to the conclusion to do so without hearing the whole story.

While it is true that there is much to be gained from nursing - the health benefits cannot be denied and the time that mommy and baby spend being so physically close is unlike any other - it is important to know that breastfeeding is far from a walk in the park. What many women fail to learn before giving birth is that breastfeeding is hard. In fact, often it's really hard. If a new mom enters motherhood expecting to jump right into successful nursing, chances are she is going to be extremely disappointed.

New moms need to have realistic expectations in those first few weeks. If nursing is important to a new mother, then she should understand that there is a certain amount of commitment involved in reaching breastfeeding nirvana. There may be days when she feels like quitting. There may be many days like that, in fact. Lactation consultants can be very useful at these times, giving tips on positioning and helping baby latch effectively. It's crucial to remember that, even with their natural instincts, babies do not emerge from the womb knowing exactly how to eat. And new moms don't have any idea what they are doing either. It would be unfair to assume that two clueless human beings would be able to figure out something so complex so quickly. Some babies have an easier time learning to nurse than others. New moms should try hard not to compare their own stories to those of friends or family. Each baby is going to be different.

So, to the moms who have embarked on the breastfeeding journey, I offer you this advice. Be patient. Know that it is absolutely normal to take some time to work out the kinks, and give yourself that time. Don't be too hard on yourself or your baby. Learning a new skill never happens overnight.

And to the moms out there who are not breastfeeding for one reason or another, I want to say this: there is a lot of positive hype out there surrounding breastfeeding and its importance, but at the end of the day how a mother feeds her baby has absolutely nothing to do with how good a mother she is. Many women try the breastfeeding thing before coming to the conclusion that it isn't going to work for them, and then feel tremendous guilt about giving it up. Others know before giving birth that it is not something they are interested in and choose formula from the start. Whatever the circumstance, it is important to remember that there are thousands of opportunities every day for us to show our babies how much we love them, and there is plenty of time for bonding, with or without a breast. When it comes to motherhood, our job is to do the best we can. Only a mother in her own individual situation can know what that means for her.

A Lesson Learned in Forgiveness

I have been planning to write a blog post on forgiveness in parenting for some time. It has become one of the things I talk about most often in regards to being a new parent. I realized early on how important it is to be able to forgive yourself. When caring for a baby, it is inevitable that accidents will happen. From things as simple as getting some skin caught in the nail clipper to more frightening incidents like falls down the stairs. We certainly should take all the precautions we can to avoid situations where our children get hurt, but when the unavoidable ones happen, it is crucial to be able to forgive ourselves and move on.

I was thinking that this ability to forgive ourselves is one of the most difficult things to learn as new parents. And it is. But, what I didn't think about is the fact that I am not on this parenting journey on my own. I did not factor in the fact that I have a partner, and that he, too, may have moments where an error in judgment leads to a baby mishap. My failure to consider that possibility also means that I hadn't given any thought to how I might feel or react were such an event to occur.

Over the last nine-and-a-half months I have had my fair share of close calls when it comes to my son, Matthew. Just recently, I was using a sharp knife to cut up his food while he was sitting in his chair waiting for his dinner. I didn't realize how close I was to him or that he was reaching out to grab the food as I was cutting it. I saw his finger at the last possible second, just in time to move the knife away and sigh one of the biggest sighs of relief I've ever released. There have also been times when I have also turned my back for a quick second and turned back just in time to avoid disaster. In all of these instances, the worst-case-scenario of what could have happened plays over in my head several times, and I know that had I actually hurt him it would be very difficult to forgive myself. But, I also remind myself that at some point in the years of his development, accidents will happen. I will do my best to prevent them, and, of course, I hope not to cause them, but when they occur, I need to stay calm and do what is best for my son. Being a good parent isn't just about protecting him, it's also about caring for him when I am unable to protect him enough.

And so I have had this conversation with myself many times about how I will respond when the first accident occurs, and how I will try not to punish myself too much. And then it happened. He fell off the bed, and no one was quick enough to catch him. Only it wasn't me who was playing with him, it was my husband, Scott. And all of a sudden, all of that knowledge I have about how I've been close to this exact scenario several times before and how any of those times could have been different and how any day now I could look the wrong way at just the wrong second - all that went out the window. Suddenly I was filled with this righteous indignation that such a thing would never happen on my watch. I was listening to my baby cry and all I could think was "How could you let this happen?"

I found myself paralyzed. I felt anger rising up in me, but I knew I couldn't let it out. I knew deep down that it was unfair and that expressing it was going to be damaging. I kept thinking about how utterly awful I would feel had I been the one near him when he fell and how much worse it would be if my partner was yelling at me. I felt these two conflicting ideas raging within me - the emotional irrational anger versus the rational cognitive understanding. I did my best to focus on the task at hand - soothing Matthew and making sure he was alright - and not on the moments leading up to his fall. Ultimately, I think I got stuck somewhere in between my two minds, choosing not to address my husband directly until after the initial anger subsided. In all the times I had thought about how I would feel if I allowed something to happen to Matty, I never once thought about how angry Scott would be with me.

The whole ordeal lasted no more than five minutes from the moment of the fall til Matty had completely stopped crying and seemed to have forgotten it had even occurred. Once he had calmed down and I had time to think, I realized that I just as easily could have been the one playing with him by the bed. Over the last few weeks, his ability to move around has increased tenfold, and sometimes these changes happen from one day to the next. It is shocking how quickly he can get from one side of a bed to the other. A mistake was made, there is no question about it, but it does not mean that my husband isn't an excellent father (he is) or that I couldn't have made the same one (I could have).

I walked away from this whole experience with a very salient lesson in my pocket. Forgiveness is an extremely important tool in parenting. We must learn how to forgive ourselves, as I have been saying for some time. But, possibly more importantly, we need to be able to forgive our partners. Accidents can happen at any time, to any of us. Aside from cases of gross negligence, we are all doing the best we can. Even the greatest parent can make a poor judgment call at one time or another. We all know this, and yet when accidents occur, we feel our entire ability to be parents has been called into question. What we need from our partners is support and reassurance. We need to be reminded that we are wonderful parents and that everybody makes mistakes. What we do not need is to be interrogated about what we were thinking and berated for our errors. A conversation about ways to avoid similar situations may be appropriate at a later time, but in the direct aftermath of an accident, forgiving our partners can go a long way in promoting successful joint parenting.

It's Not Am I Mom Enough, It's Am I Me Enough

From the moment that my delicious son, Matthew, entered my life, he has been my world. In the really early days my entire being functioned around what he needed. I slept when he slept, I ate between his feedings. I changed diapers, ran to pediatrician's appointments and prewashed about a thousand items of clothing. When I factored in my own needs at all, they were always secondary to his. Through the last nine months he has grown, and the intense burden of the newborn days has been relieved a bit, but he is still the focus of most of my time.

I have never once questioned if I was "mom enough," as the provocative Time article has done. In fact, the question that I wondered more often than any other was if I was "me" enough. The life of a new mother is intense. It is incredible, but it is also all-consuming. I struggled, and still struggle, with trying to maintain my identity as I adapt to this new role.

Part of what made this struggle so profound for me is the total confusion of what my body, and all of its parts, are for. For the first 29 years of my life, my breasts had no other purpose other than to look pretty. They were ornamental at best, used to attract men and make tank tops look better. Suddenly, I give birth to a baby, and they've become the most functional, incredible, life-sustaining organs. It is a mind-boggling turn of events, one that I have not quite wrapped my brain around, even now.

I have very much enjoyed nursing my son. I still breastfeed him at night before bed and first thing in the morning. But I can say honestly that I will not feel that I am truly myself again until my breasts are my own. It is true that parenting requires sacrifice. There are many things I am sure I will give up along the way for my children. But my identity is not one of them. Three years is too long for me to be in the midst of this identity crisis. And truthfully, my husband deserves time when he is not sharing my body with our son.

I try very hard not to judge other mothers. We are all out here, fighting the good fight, doing what we can to give our sons and daughters the best possible lives. If you choose to nurse your child through toddlerhood, that is your prerogative. But do not suggest that if I do not that I am less of a mother than you are. I am a mother with every fiber of my being. Where I fear I may be lacking is as a wife. As a friend. Maybe as a daughter. But as a mother? Don't be ridiculous.