I've noticed a trend among all the mothers I talk to. New mothers, veteran mothers, it doesn't really matter. Everybody seems to be suffering from this same phenomenon: mommy guilt. The mothers who work feel guilty about the time they spend away from their children. The moms who are at home feel guilty about sometimes wishing they were somewhere else. The working moms who don't feel guilty about being away, end up feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. There always seems to be some reason for moms to feel burdened with guilt.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? I think there are a few contributing factors. One major piece is that this is a byproduct of the "mommy wars," the comparing and judging that the mom community is constantly engaging in. Women feel guilty because they are concerned that other mothers are criticizing their choices. I would love to say that these women are paranoid, but the truth is this is the culture that exists in parenting today. As I wrote about last month, that heinous murder was committed in Manhattan, and instead of unified support for the family, there were women who took to the internet to point fingers at the mother for her choice to use a nanny. Feeling like there are always other women out there who think you are making a bad choice can be very troublesome for a parent and can lead to feelings of guilt over each and every decision. The thing that we all have to remember is that there will be people who think we are making the wrong choice no matter what choice we make. Mothers who stay at home get ridiculed for having no ambition. Women who work full-time are abandoning their children when they need them most. Women who breastfeed are wonderful but only if they stay in their homes and don't offend others with their feeding rituals. Women who formula feed are poisoning their babies. There is absolutely no way for us to please the masses, so my suggestion would be to not try. It's your life and your family and the decisions you make are the ones you believe are best for all parties involved. End of discussion.
Another reason I think mothers feel guilty is because of this ongoing conversation about a woman's ability to "have it all." People keep wanting to prove that it is possible for a mother to do everything and so when we fall short we fear that it is because we are inadequate, not because it is actually impossible. We all have to make choices based on the needs of our families. In today's economy, staying home full time is not an option for many women. How can we justify feeling guilty about going out and making money in order to provide food and shelter and clothing for our children? For other families it is not a financial decision but rather an understanding on the part of the mother that she will not get the fulfillment she desires if she does not have something in her life that is separate from her role as a parent. We all need to feel content by our lives as a whole. Some people get that feeling from being at home, others do not. It is imperative, as I've said many times, that mothers get to be the best versions of themselves. How else can we expect them to be the best caregivers they can be?
The thing I want all mothers - and all people, really - to remember is that we are human beings first, mothers second. Yes, our children are the most important thing in the world to us. And yes, our role as mother is the most important role we fill. But we still have to be ourselves. We still have to live our own lives and participate in activities that excite us and continue to explore and learn and indulge. Our life's journey does not end the day we become parents. We do not commit to completely losing ourselves in our new family. Rather, we add a new dimension to the ways in which we can experience joy. This does not mean that the old ways disappear. It just means we may not have as much time to focus on the other things. We may not travel as often or write as many blog posts or read as many books. But, when the opportunity to do those things comes along, jump on them. And do not feel guilty for a moment.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Oh the Places Being a Mom Will Take me...Or How I Wound Up On Stage With Joseph Gordon-Levitt
It never ceases to amaze me the ways that motherhood has changed my life. I feel like I am still myself and yet the mother part of me has been incorporated into the old me to create this new person. Last night all the different parts of me came together for a wonderful few moments.
For those of you who know me well, you know that I spent my high school and college years acting and that I continued for a few years after graduation. In 2007, I decided to switch gears and get my masters and I pushed a lot of my creative energy down to make room for a more pragmatic lifestyle. I love being a social worker but I have definitely felt something missing over the years. To that end, I have continued writing in my spare time, and blogging was the first way I found to connect to something and to fill the void that acting has left behind. Then, about a month ago, I discovered hitrecord.org.
Hitrecord is an online artists collaborative founded by Joseph Gordon-Levitt that allows creative spirits of all kinds to connect and make bigger and better art together. Writers post stories that can then be illustrated; illustrators post drawings and musicians write songs about them. It is an amazing way for people all over the world to find other like-minded artists and work together. It has been a haven for me since I found it. I spend hours on the site, finding illustrations to write about and being inspired by the amazing talent of this community.
So when I discovered that Joe (as JGL is known in this world) was taking the show on the road AND that one of the stops was Philadelphia AND that it was a night that Scott was on vacation, I decided all signs were pointing to me buying us tickets. And so I did. But, I didn't really know what the live show would entail and so I bought us tickets waaaay up in the second balcony of the Kimmel Center's Merriam Theater. I learned as the day got closer from other artists in the community that it's a very interactive show and that being in the orchestra makes it much easier to be involved. Oh well, I thought. I just want to see the magic live.
When we arrived at the theater, the pre-show screen was asking questions pertaining to the night's theme of "the road." One such question asked audience members to tweet responses to what kinds of non-asphalt roads/paths they've traveled down. I decided to do as they asked and tweeted the following "@tqbarbash: On a sometimes bumpy road w amazing twists and turns and incredible views and stops along the way. I call it motherhood #hitrecordontheroad" And then I thought nothing of it.
When the show started, Joe came out to lots of fanfare and screaming. As soon as the show began, he said that what he wanted to do tonight was talk about the road. "In fact someone was just writing something that I like, that I want to talk to this person, named tqbarbash. Are you here?" I was pretty sure that being all the way up where I was he was just going to tell me to forget it, but he didn't. He said "well let's go, hustle down here, I want to talk to you" And then I joined him on stage and spent 3 minutes or so talking to a crowd of nearly 1900 people about motherhood and the way the road shifts and your destination changes but it's totally awesome. He was lovely and genuine and I am honored that he took the time to talk about the journey of being a mom.
Here is the piece I posted on the site about the experience: Motherhood - On The Road
And here is a youtube link of the clip (he calls me down around 2:25, and then I actually get to the stage around 4:45) The audio isn't great and the person who filmed it had the camera sideways for some reason, but for now this is the only version I have. TQB and JGL
UPDATE*** Here is a much better video TQB and JGL 2
Enjoy!
xo, tqb
For those of you who know me well, you know that I spent my high school and college years acting and that I continued for a few years after graduation. In 2007, I decided to switch gears and get my masters and I pushed a lot of my creative energy down to make room for a more pragmatic lifestyle. I love being a social worker but I have definitely felt something missing over the years. To that end, I have continued writing in my spare time, and blogging was the first way I found to connect to something and to fill the void that acting has left behind. Then, about a month ago, I discovered hitrecord.org.
Hitrecord is an online artists collaborative founded by Joseph Gordon-Levitt that allows creative spirits of all kinds to connect and make bigger and better art together. Writers post stories that can then be illustrated; illustrators post drawings and musicians write songs about them. It is an amazing way for people all over the world to find other like-minded artists and work together. It has been a haven for me since I found it. I spend hours on the site, finding illustrations to write about and being inspired by the amazing talent of this community.
So when I discovered that Joe (as JGL is known in this world) was taking the show on the road AND that one of the stops was Philadelphia AND that it was a night that Scott was on vacation, I decided all signs were pointing to me buying us tickets. And so I did. But, I didn't really know what the live show would entail and so I bought us tickets waaaay up in the second balcony of the Kimmel Center's Merriam Theater. I learned as the day got closer from other artists in the community that it's a very interactive show and that being in the orchestra makes it much easier to be involved. Oh well, I thought. I just want to see the magic live.
When we arrived at the theater, the pre-show screen was asking questions pertaining to the night's theme of "the road." One such question asked audience members to tweet responses to what kinds of non-asphalt roads/paths they've traveled down. I decided to do as they asked and tweeted the following "@tqbarbash: On a sometimes bumpy road w amazing twists and turns and incredible views and stops along the way. I call it motherhood #hitrecordontheroad" And then I thought nothing of it.
When the show started, Joe came out to lots of fanfare and screaming. As soon as the show began, he said that what he wanted to do tonight was talk about the road. "In fact someone was just writing something that I like, that I want to talk to this person, named tqbarbash. Are you here?" I was pretty sure that being all the way up where I was he was just going to tell me to forget it, but he didn't. He said "well let's go, hustle down here, I want to talk to you" And then I joined him on stage and spent 3 minutes or so talking to a crowd of nearly 1900 people about motherhood and the way the road shifts and your destination changes but it's totally awesome. He was lovely and genuine and I am honored that he took the time to talk about the journey of being a mom.
Here is the piece I posted on the site about the experience: Motherhood - On The Road
And here is a youtube link of the clip (he calls me down around 2:25, and then I actually get to the stage around 4:45) The audio isn't great and the person who filmed it had the camera sideways for some reason, but for now this is the only version I have. TQB and JGL
UPDATE*** Here is a much better video TQB and JGL 2
Enjoy!
xo, tqb
Thursday, November 1, 2012
A Matter of Perspective
This is going to be a short post. I don't have much to say today, but the last 7 days have been such a whirlwind of devastation that I felt the need to say something.
Never in my life have I been handed such a heaping dose of perspective. A week that started with the senseless killing of two innocent children and evolved into the worst devastation we've ever seen in the Northeast of the United States.
I've woken up every day this week and taken a moment to acknowledge how lucky I am. I have found myself shrugging my shoulders at things that would ordinarily bother me, with a new attitude of "no matter how bad I feel right now, it could be much worse." I am the first person to say that it is not healthy or even possible to go through life constantly comparing our situations to others and denying ourselves our feelings because others are suffering. However, in this case, given the proximity of all of this horror, I am aware of the fragility of life more than I ever have been and I am using this opportunity to remind myself how fortunate I am. I am sure that as time goes on this new found perspective will fade a little, but I hope not to lose sight of the fact that every day with the people I love is a gift I should be grateful for. You just never know what tomorrow will bring.
Text "red cross" to 90999 to donate $10 to hurricane relief efforts. (donation will be tacked onto your cell phone bill)
Never in my life have I been handed such a heaping dose of perspective. A week that started with the senseless killing of two innocent children and evolved into the worst devastation we've ever seen in the Northeast of the United States.
I've woken up every day this week and taken a moment to acknowledge how lucky I am. I have found myself shrugging my shoulders at things that would ordinarily bother me, with a new attitude of "no matter how bad I feel right now, it could be much worse." I am the first person to say that it is not healthy or even possible to go through life constantly comparing our situations to others and denying ourselves our feelings because others are suffering. However, in this case, given the proximity of all of this horror, I am aware of the fragility of life more than I ever have been and I am using this opportunity to remind myself how fortunate I am. I am sure that as time goes on this new found perspective will fade a little, but I hope not to lose sight of the fact that every day with the people I love is a gift I should be grateful for. You just never know what tomorrow will bring.
Text "red cross" to 90999 to donate $10 to hurricane relief efforts. (donation will be tacked onto your cell phone bill)
Friday, October 26, 2012
The Mommy Wars End Here
I have been wanting to write a piece about the vision I have for a new culture of mommies. I had the whole thing written in my head, laying out my new rules of how we need to treat each other as mothers. I was going to pick apart some of the issues that we tend to give each other a hard time about - i.e., feeding, and sleeping, and working- in the hope of refocusing our collective energy towards helping one another instead of criticizing.
But, I haven't gotten around to it yet. And now something so horrible has happened that I can barely put two words together on the subject. If you happen to have no connection to the Upper West Side of Manhattan then maybe you missed the horror story that unfolded yesterday evening, October 25th. The story of a mother who returned home with one of her children to find the other two had been killed by their nanny. I can tell you that no mother who heard the news slept very well last night, if at all. People keep saying that it's a mother's worst nightmare, but it's not true. Mothers' nightmares are made up of SIDS and choking and car accidents, as it is always unimaginable to have to live through the loss of a child, under any circumstances. But, even the darkest places of our subconscious don't allow us to delve into the horror that is now this family's reality.
This tragedy is so unfathomable, so far beyond what we can even begin to comprehend. And because of that, I understand that it is our natural instinct to try and find any way to prove to ourselves that this could never have happened to us. To find some shred of evidence that there is actually some reason why this happened to this family.
But, though I understand this tendency, I will not accept it. I will not allow the holier-than-thous out there to desecrate the memories of these children with their vicious words. I read this quote from the NY Times this morning and felt every muscle in my body tense up with anger.
"Horror immediately swept through online forums for parents. Urban Baby, a chat site with a heavy following among affluent Manhattan and Brooklyn mothers, lit up with comments and stinging criticism, with some questioning why some stay-at-home mothers need nannies and others arguing that mothers who choose to work are asking for trouble"
This needs to stop and it needs to stop NOW. This incessant need to judge and criticize other mothers is bad enough when parents are made to feel bad about using an epidural or formula feeding or going back to work. But to suggest for even one moment that any mother, no matter how poor you think her choices are, somehow deserves to lose her children is completely outrageous and unbearably cruel.
The mommy wars stop here. There is nobody in the world who can understand the horror of this situation more than a mother. Our thoughts and our prayers and whatever else it is that we put out into the universe need to be with this family. We need to hug our children a little tighter and be thankful for all the things we have. We need to make a vow not to take anything in our lives for granted.
And beyond everything else, we need to be sure not to use this as an opportunity to be smug about what kind of mothers we are. This is a tragedy and tragedy can befall any of us at any moment. Being a wonderful mother is not the issue here. And besides, who cares if you are a good mother if you are a despicable human being?
My mind, body and soul are all in mourning for the Krim family. May you find some comfort in the days ahead and some light to help find your way through the unfathomable darkness.
But, I haven't gotten around to it yet. And now something so horrible has happened that I can barely put two words together on the subject. If you happen to have no connection to the Upper West Side of Manhattan then maybe you missed the horror story that unfolded yesterday evening, October 25th. The story of a mother who returned home with one of her children to find the other two had been killed by their nanny. I can tell you that no mother who heard the news slept very well last night, if at all. People keep saying that it's a mother's worst nightmare, but it's not true. Mothers' nightmares are made up of SIDS and choking and car accidents, as it is always unimaginable to have to live through the loss of a child, under any circumstances. But, even the darkest places of our subconscious don't allow us to delve into the horror that is now this family's reality.
This tragedy is so unfathomable, so far beyond what we can even begin to comprehend. And because of that, I understand that it is our natural instinct to try and find any way to prove to ourselves that this could never have happened to us. To find some shred of evidence that there is actually some reason why this happened to this family.
But, though I understand this tendency, I will not accept it. I will not allow the holier-than-thous out there to desecrate the memories of these children with their vicious words. I read this quote from the NY Times this morning and felt every muscle in my body tense up with anger.
"Horror immediately swept through online forums for parents. Urban Baby, a chat site with a heavy following among affluent Manhattan and Brooklyn mothers, lit up with comments and stinging criticism, with some questioning why some stay-at-home mothers need nannies and others arguing that mothers who choose to work are asking for trouble"
This needs to stop and it needs to stop NOW. This incessant need to judge and criticize other mothers is bad enough when parents are made to feel bad about using an epidural or formula feeding or going back to work. But to suggest for even one moment that any mother, no matter how poor you think her choices are, somehow deserves to lose her children is completely outrageous and unbearably cruel.
The mommy wars stop here. There is nobody in the world who can understand the horror of this situation more than a mother. Our thoughts and our prayers and whatever else it is that we put out into the universe need to be with this family. We need to hug our children a little tighter and be thankful for all the things we have. We need to make a vow not to take anything in our lives for granted.
And beyond everything else, we need to be sure not to use this as an opportunity to be smug about what kind of mothers we are. This is a tragedy and tragedy can befall any of us at any moment. Being a wonderful mother is not the issue here. And besides, who cares if you are a good mother if you are a despicable human being?
My mind, body and soul are all in mourning for the Krim family. May you find some comfort in the days ahead and some light to help find your way through the unfathomable darkness.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
The Problem with the "It Gets Better" Campaign
Let me start off by saying that I absolutely love the It Gets Better Project. For those unfamiliar, this campaign is a series of videos, spearheaded by Dan Savage, collecting stories from former victims of bullying. These individuals are now past their years of torment and they are reaching out to current sufferers to offer them the reassurance that it - life - does get better. These videos remind young people that the world they live in at this moment is a temporary and sheltered one. Though it can seem like hometown, USA is all there is, the world really does have much more to offer and the possibilities are truly endless on the other side of high school. It is a beautiful message and one that was and is desperately needed, particularly after a string of young gay men took their own lives in response to the merciless harassment they were being forced to endure. There is no question that this campaign has saved lives.
What, then, could possibly be the problem? Well, this is a parenting blog. I write this blog because I recognize that since the day I became a mother, I've begun looking at life through a different lens. And so I find myself wondering what the message of It Gets Better is to me, as a mother. On the one hand, there is the same positive application that exists for the young people it is geared towards. It provides us as parents with some comforting words to speak to our children if and when they are the victims of bullying. It allows us to acknowledge that their situation is awful and, without making excuses for it, reassure them that one day they will be out of the grips of their tormenters. It even may provide us with some relief to know that others like our children have not only survived, but that they are thriving.
On the other hand, however, I fear that the concept of "it gets better" may release us from our obligation to do something about this NOW. The point is that time marches on, circumstances change and situations will improve - all of which is true even if we do absolutely nothing. And while there is comfort in that notion - that no matter what, it won't be like this forever - I don't want to be absolved of my responsibility to work towards making the world a little safer for my son. I don't want children to think that bullying is just something they have to live with. I want to see the mothers and fathers, teachers and coaches continue to actively and unrelentingly fight against this epidemic.
I believe it is true that there will always be bullies. There will always be people who are insecure and who find their own self-worth in the degradation of others. There will also always be adults who are filled with ugly hatred and pass it down to their children as surely as they pass their genetic coding. But that doesn't mean that we ever get to be complacent about it. The problem with "It Gets Better" is not in the campaign itself, it is in the way we may (mis)interpret it. We need to be careful not to confuse the light this project shines with the message that we must accept the darkness. Life will get better for children who are bullied, but the culture that exists in our schools and on our playgrounds will not if we do no't continue to wage war against it.
What, then, could possibly be the problem? Well, this is a parenting blog. I write this blog because I recognize that since the day I became a mother, I've begun looking at life through a different lens. And so I find myself wondering what the message of It Gets Better is to me, as a mother. On the one hand, there is the same positive application that exists for the young people it is geared towards. It provides us as parents with some comforting words to speak to our children if and when they are the victims of bullying. It allows us to acknowledge that their situation is awful and, without making excuses for it, reassure them that one day they will be out of the grips of their tormenters. It even may provide us with some relief to know that others like our children have not only survived, but that they are thriving.
On the other hand, however, I fear that the concept of "it gets better" may release us from our obligation to do something about this NOW. The point is that time marches on, circumstances change and situations will improve - all of which is true even if we do absolutely nothing. And while there is comfort in that notion - that no matter what, it won't be like this forever - I don't want to be absolved of my responsibility to work towards making the world a little safer for my son. I don't want children to think that bullying is just something they have to live with. I want to see the mothers and fathers, teachers and coaches continue to actively and unrelentingly fight against this epidemic.
I believe it is true that there will always be bullies. There will always be people who are insecure and who find their own self-worth in the degradation of others. There will also always be adults who are filled with ugly hatred and pass it down to their children as surely as they pass their genetic coding. But that doesn't mean that we ever get to be complacent about it. The problem with "It Gets Better" is not in the campaign itself, it is in the way we may (mis)interpret it. We need to be careful not to confuse the light this project shines with the message that we must accept the darkness. Life will get better for children who are bullied, but the culture that exists in our schools and on our playgrounds will not if we do no't continue to wage war against it.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
It's Time to Talk About Sex
I have been wanting to write a blog post about sex - sex and pregnancy, sex and parenthood - for a long time. But, being that this is a personal blog, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to start a frank conversation without being too transparent about the details of my own sex life. However, I have been doing this parenting blog for over a year and I have had the incredible opportunity to speak with many mothers along the way that I now feel I have collected enough anecdotal information to be able to write knowledgeably without relying solely on my own experiences.
So here goes. Sex. It's one of those things that is extremely personal and person-specific. Our sexual encounters are unique from the moment we start having them, and introducing the life experiences of pregnancy and motherhood does not change that at all. Sitting in a room with ten new mothers would probably yield ten different reactions to questions about having sex while pregnant. Some women are too nauseous during the first trimester to be even remotely in the mood for sex. Others are so overly concerned with miscarrying that they can't engage in sexual behavior in the early weeks, even though there is absolutely no evidence linking intercourse to loss of pregnancy. Some women describe intense arousal and very vivid sexual dreams during the second trimester; others don't experience this at all. By the third trimester, some women are so uncomfortable in their new, larger bodies, that the idea of sex is ridiculous to them. But for some women, feeling attractive to their partners at this stage is so important that they find themselves craving sex to the very end. Most women have some combination of several different feelings when it comes to sex and pregnancy.
Experiences also vary significantly in regards to feelings surrounding postpartum sex. There are women who come skipping home from their 6-week postpartum gynecological exam ready to get back on the horse as soon as they've gotten the okay from their doctors. Other women are still having a hard time standing for more than a few minutes and jut the thought of sex makes them wince. Some women fall somewhere in the middle, feeling stronger every day, but not necessarily ready to proceed down that road yet. Different deliveries will yield different physical changes - c-sections will differ from vaginal deliveries, episiotomy recovery won't be the same as natural or no tearing. Some women have one experience with their first delivery and an entirely different one with their second. It is impossible to know how you will feel, both physically and emotionally until you are there.
A few things to keep in mind about sex, through pregnancy and the postpartum months:
1. Your partner can't read your mind.
Being pregnant and birthing a child are experiences unlike any other. The conflicting emotions and hormonal ups and downs can make a woman feel completely out of control. On the one hand there is excitement and anticipation. On the other, fear and worry. Sometimes, there is an overwhelming rush of emotion that cannot be connected to anything specific. Additionally, there is also physical discomfort from itchiness to heartburn to back pain during pregnancy to all the soreness of postpartum recovery after the baby is born. It may seem incredibly obvious to you on a particular evening that sex is not in the cards, but unless you tell your partner, he* cannot possible know that. It is important to be able to talk about sex openly and honestly. If you are feeling too much physical discomfort to have sex, let him know. If emotionally, you don't feel like you could handle it, talk about it. If you feel unattractive and are repulsed by the idea of sex, bring it up. You may even find that your partner is able to help you work through some of that by helping you see yourself through his eyes. The point is, don't expect your partner to know how you are feeling if you don't tell him. This whole pregnancy thing is a mystery to you both, but only one of you knows what it actually feels like.
2. Manage expectations.
One of the biggest misconceptions that gets couples into trouble is this notion that a woman will be ready to resume sexual activity six weeks after delivery. Six weeks is the minimum amount of postpartum recovery time recommended by obstetricians and gynecologists. However, when sitting in childbirth classes or reading through hospital FAQs it is sometimes misinterpreted - by mothers and their partners alike - as more of an exact date. All couples should recognize that it may take longer than 6 weeks for a woman to be ready to have sex again. Even if the doctor says a woman is physically ready to go, she may not feel quite ready yet. It is a good idea for everyone involved to manage these expectations ahead of time. Having a conversation before heading to the doctor is a good place to start. Check in with yourself and with your partner and discuss how you will feel if the doctor gives you the green light. Do you feel you are ready? Do you need a little more time? What's causing the apprehension? You may want to prepare some questions to ask the doctor to make sure all of your fears are addressed before returning home to your partner. By being proactive about this conversation, you are ensuring that no one will be disappointed by a reality that falls short of the expectations set forth months earlier, before either of you knew how you'd be feeling.
3. Engage in other romantic activities.
We tend to spend a lot of time focusing on things we don't have. There are some couples who, for one reason or another, have very little sex during pregnancy. Others have plenty of sex during pregnancy but then need months before attempting sex after the baby is born. No matter what the scenario, most couples will notice the lack of sex at one time or another, particularly the partner who is not experiencing the other physical and emotional sensations that account for this period of abstinence. Focusing on this lack of sex can lead to a strain on a relationship, especially if it isn't replaced with other forms of intimacy. Make sure to carve out a little couple time during these early stages of parenthood. Whether it be snuggling on the couch or sharing dinner and conversation (it can most definitely be take-out), try and grab 30 minutes here and there to really connect. It doesn't have to be anything major, but continuing to find time to bond with your partner is particularly important with a new baby, especially when sex is on hold for a while.
Also, don't mistake bonding time with the baby for bonding time with your partner. It is easy to feel that time spent playing with the new baby is nurturing the couple relationship since it is time together and both partners get so much joy out of their joint love of the new baby. And while this play time is incredibly special, and is helping to strengthen the new family dynamic, it does not replace the attention that the couple relationship still needs and deserves.
4. Be patient and take it slow.
Perhaps the most difficult and confusing thing about sex post-childbirth is that all the parts of a woman's anatomy that were, up until this point, used solely for sexual pleasure - namely, the breasts and vagina - have suddenly become the vessels through which life is born and sustained. It is a very bizarre reality to truly understand for the first time, and it is one that we don't do a very good job talking about as a society. It can be quite tricky for both the new mom and her partner to relate to these body parts in the same way they did before. Try not to feel rushed to get back to the way things were pre-baby. Give yourselves time to readjust and find ways to adapt to your new, temporary circumstances. You may need to make some changes to the way you have sex, at least for a little while. Certain favorite positions may be too painful for a little while, so take time to find ones that work. New, larger, milk-heavy breasts may need more support, and wearing a bra during sex may be more comfortable. Be prepared to be vocal with your partner about what you need, as he may naturally proceed as he always has, requiring you to be very clear about what is or is not working for you.
5. Time heals.
I recognize that reading some of these points as an expectant parent can be a little scary. It's likely that some of these things have not occurred to you yet, and that some of the issues that I've mentioned seem pretty upsetting. So, I will take a page directly out of my own experience to reassure you of one thing: time heals. The pain and discomfort, the weirdness about breastfeeding and having sex, the balance of sharing your body with your child and your partner - it all gets easier and better with time.
I really believe that part of what makes all of this so difficult is that we don't talk about it enough. Couples find themselves at this new crossroads with absolutely no idea of what to expect. My goal here is to address some of the things that can be surprising, so that people are better prepared for what lies ahead.
*I use male pronouns for partners throughout this article for convenience and because it reflects my own experience. I recognize that there are many women who live the role of partner to a pregnant woman and there is no reason why these points wouldn't apply to those couples as well.
So here goes. Sex. It's one of those things that is extremely personal and person-specific. Our sexual encounters are unique from the moment we start having them, and introducing the life experiences of pregnancy and motherhood does not change that at all. Sitting in a room with ten new mothers would probably yield ten different reactions to questions about having sex while pregnant. Some women are too nauseous during the first trimester to be even remotely in the mood for sex. Others are so overly concerned with miscarrying that they can't engage in sexual behavior in the early weeks, even though there is absolutely no evidence linking intercourse to loss of pregnancy. Some women describe intense arousal and very vivid sexual dreams during the second trimester; others don't experience this at all. By the third trimester, some women are so uncomfortable in their new, larger bodies, that the idea of sex is ridiculous to them. But for some women, feeling attractive to their partners at this stage is so important that they find themselves craving sex to the very end. Most women have some combination of several different feelings when it comes to sex and pregnancy.
Experiences also vary significantly in regards to feelings surrounding postpartum sex. There are women who come skipping home from their 6-week postpartum gynecological exam ready to get back on the horse as soon as they've gotten the okay from their doctors. Other women are still having a hard time standing for more than a few minutes and jut the thought of sex makes them wince. Some women fall somewhere in the middle, feeling stronger every day, but not necessarily ready to proceed down that road yet. Different deliveries will yield different physical changes - c-sections will differ from vaginal deliveries, episiotomy recovery won't be the same as natural or no tearing. Some women have one experience with their first delivery and an entirely different one with their second. It is impossible to know how you will feel, both physically and emotionally until you are there.
A few things to keep in mind about sex, through pregnancy and the postpartum months:
1. Your partner can't read your mind.
Being pregnant and birthing a child are experiences unlike any other. The conflicting emotions and hormonal ups and downs can make a woman feel completely out of control. On the one hand there is excitement and anticipation. On the other, fear and worry. Sometimes, there is an overwhelming rush of emotion that cannot be connected to anything specific. Additionally, there is also physical discomfort from itchiness to heartburn to back pain during pregnancy to all the soreness of postpartum recovery after the baby is born. It may seem incredibly obvious to you on a particular evening that sex is not in the cards, but unless you tell your partner, he* cannot possible know that. It is important to be able to talk about sex openly and honestly. If you are feeling too much physical discomfort to have sex, let him know. If emotionally, you don't feel like you could handle it, talk about it. If you feel unattractive and are repulsed by the idea of sex, bring it up. You may even find that your partner is able to help you work through some of that by helping you see yourself through his eyes. The point is, don't expect your partner to know how you are feeling if you don't tell him. This whole pregnancy thing is a mystery to you both, but only one of you knows what it actually feels like.
2. Manage expectations.
One of the biggest misconceptions that gets couples into trouble is this notion that a woman will be ready to resume sexual activity six weeks after delivery. Six weeks is the minimum amount of postpartum recovery time recommended by obstetricians and gynecologists. However, when sitting in childbirth classes or reading through hospital FAQs it is sometimes misinterpreted - by mothers and their partners alike - as more of an exact date. All couples should recognize that it may take longer than 6 weeks for a woman to be ready to have sex again. Even if the doctor says a woman is physically ready to go, she may not feel quite ready yet. It is a good idea for everyone involved to manage these expectations ahead of time. Having a conversation before heading to the doctor is a good place to start. Check in with yourself and with your partner and discuss how you will feel if the doctor gives you the green light. Do you feel you are ready? Do you need a little more time? What's causing the apprehension? You may want to prepare some questions to ask the doctor to make sure all of your fears are addressed before returning home to your partner. By being proactive about this conversation, you are ensuring that no one will be disappointed by a reality that falls short of the expectations set forth months earlier, before either of you knew how you'd be feeling.
3. Engage in other romantic activities.
We tend to spend a lot of time focusing on things we don't have. There are some couples who, for one reason or another, have very little sex during pregnancy. Others have plenty of sex during pregnancy but then need months before attempting sex after the baby is born. No matter what the scenario, most couples will notice the lack of sex at one time or another, particularly the partner who is not experiencing the other physical and emotional sensations that account for this period of abstinence. Focusing on this lack of sex can lead to a strain on a relationship, especially if it isn't replaced with other forms of intimacy. Make sure to carve out a little couple time during these early stages of parenthood. Whether it be snuggling on the couch or sharing dinner and conversation (it can most definitely be take-out), try and grab 30 minutes here and there to really connect. It doesn't have to be anything major, but continuing to find time to bond with your partner is particularly important with a new baby, especially when sex is on hold for a while.
Also, don't mistake bonding time with the baby for bonding time with your partner. It is easy to feel that time spent playing with the new baby is nurturing the couple relationship since it is time together and both partners get so much joy out of their joint love of the new baby. And while this play time is incredibly special, and is helping to strengthen the new family dynamic, it does not replace the attention that the couple relationship still needs and deserves.
4. Be patient and take it slow.
Perhaps the most difficult and confusing thing about sex post-childbirth is that all the parts of a woman's anatomy that were, up until this point, used solely for sexual pleasure - namely, the breasts and vagina - have suddenly become the vessels through which life is born and sustained. It is a very bizarre reality to truly understand for the first time, and it is one that we don't do a very good job talking about as a society. It can be quite tricky for both the new mom and her partner to relate to these body parts in the same way they did before. Try not to feel rushed to get back to the way things were pre-baby. Give yourselves time to readjust and find ways to adapt to your new, temporary circumstances. You may need to make some changes to the way you have sex, at least for a little while. Certain favorite positions may be too painful for a little while, so take time to find ones that work. New, larger, milk-heavy breasts may need more support, and wearing a bra during sex may be more comfortable. Be prepared to be vocal with your partner about what you need, as he may naturally proceed as he always has, requiring you to be very clear about what is or is not working for you.
5. Time heals.
I recognize that reading some of these points as an expectant parent can be a little scary. It's likely that some of these things have not occurred to you yet, and that some of the issues that I've mentioned seem pretty upsetting. So, I will take a page directly out of my own experience to reassure you of one thing: time heals. The pain and discomfort, the weirdness about breastfeeding and having sex, the balance of sharing your body with your child and your partner - it all gets easier and better with time.
I really believe that part of what makes all of this so difficult is that we don't talk about it enough. Couples find themselves at this new crossroads with absolutely no idea of what to expect. My goal here is to address some of the things that can be surprising, so that people are better prepared for what lies ahead.
*I use male pronouns for partners throughout this article for convenience and because it reflects my own experience. I recognize that there are many women who live the role of partner to a pregnant woman and there is no reason why these points wouldn't apply to those couples as well.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Reflections on a Year
And just like that....my baby is one. I have absolutely no idea how this happened. I have caught myself several times today lost in thought, thinking back to where I was and what I was doing exactly one year ago. In some ways it feels like it was yesterday and in other ways it's hard to believe that there was ever a time when I didn't know what it felt like to be a mother. This year has been filled with so many experiences and all the emotions that go with them. Watching my son's development, seeing the wheels in his mind turning and working things out has been incredible to witness. He is constantly exploring, using each and every sense to take in the world (though touch and taste are clear favorites). And as I was sitting and thinking about all the things his little brain has learned in the last year, I realized that I, too, have taken in a tremendous amount. Being a mother has taught me so many things - about myself and about life - and I am so grateful to be here, looking back over the first year of this parenting journey.
Being up early is kind of awesome.
I have lived my whole life as a night person. In college, I rarely signed up for classes before noon. When I was pregnant, one of the biggest anxieties I had was about the early wake up time that comes with having children. It wasn't so much the sleep deprivation in the beginning that worried me, but rather I thought a lot about what would happen once the baby was sleeping through the night, but was waking up for the day at 6am. I was very nervous about how I would manage to start my day that early, particularly on the weekends. As it turns out, I like being up early. I love walking through the neighborhood at 8am and taking care of errands before the old me would have even considered being out of bed. I love having a little time before work to relax and play with my son. I'm so used to it now that sometimes I even wake up before he does and I can enjoy some quiet time with a cup of tea and the New York Times. The hours between 6:30am and 8:30am have become my favorite of the day. There are still days when I hear Matthew babbling in his crib ready to start the day and all I can think is 'please go back to sleep.' And when the grandparents are in town and offer to spend time with him so I can stay in bed an extra hour or two, I usually accept it. But, most of the time, when I need it to be, my body is ready to go when he is, and we share some of our most special moments in those hours before we leave the house.
Careful what you brag about.
First of all, bragging about your child's accomplishments, especially to other new moms, is somewhat insensitive. If you're talking to a mother whose daughter is very fussy about eating and you're going on about how your son eats anything you put in front of him, she may not be all that excited to hear it. New mothers are often insecure about how well they're doing as parents, and how well their children are developing, and it can be especially difficult to hear how another child is excelling in the very areas they are concerned about. But aside from that, bragging about your child is a bad idea because things change in a heartbeat when it comes to babies. A child who is eating well may suddenly refuse food entirely. A child who has been sleeping through the night may start waking up every few hours. My advice here is less about annoying your friends and more about not getting too confident. Babies have a funny way of being unpredictable, and it is usually right when parents start getting comfortable with a routine that things change. There are many reasons why sudden changes occur - illness, teething, growth spurt, etc - but it's not always so obvious which one it is or how long it will last. The good news is that often these things correct themselves quickly. Once the tooth comes in or the illness passes, a child will typically revert back to the former behavior. But, still, I've learned that it's good practice not to take a baby's habits for granted, as you never know when they might change.
Instincts are incredible, but learning when to ignore them is crucial.
Maternal instincts are crazy. In the beginning I could not believe that my husband managed to sleep through all of our son's night crying. There would be mornings when Matty was two weeks old that my husband would look at me and say "Wow, Matthew slept through the night?" and I would look at him icily and say "No, he was up 3 times." I knew it was a good thing that Scott was able to sleep through it, as he was not on leave and still needed to function at work. But, I couldn't understand how it was possible that he didn't hear it. Until one night my mother came to visit. And she slept in Matty's room and I pumped a bottle for the 3am feeding. And I slept right through the night. When I asked my mother how the night had been she said he cried for a while after his bottle before falling back to sleep. I hadn't heard a thing. I realized that my instincts were so sharp, that as long as I knew my son needed me, I'd hear him. But as soon as I'd secured a substitute for an evening, I allowed myself to sleep.
It was a fascinating discovery and it made me really appreciate the brilliance of the universe for giving mothers this way of being so in sync with our children's needs. For the first months of a child's life, we rely heavily on these instincts. We don't know what our children are trying to tell us and we have to just feel our way, trusting these instincts and our internal intuition. The problem is that as our children get older, we need to learn when to turn these instincts off, or at least how to ignore them. As infants, all our babies need is our love and protection. They need to be held and cuddled so they learn that we are here for them. But, as they get older, they need to start learning some things on their own. As the months pass, babies are ready to teach themselves to self-soothe. They are ready to play with other children and be comfortable with other adults. Our instincts may be screaming not to leave our crying babies at daycare or to go take them out of their cribs and rock them to sleep. Those same instincts that were so reliable in the early months are now actually impeding our ability to do what's best for our children's long term development. This is perhaps one of the hardest things I've had to learn as a mother.
Schedules are great. Flexibility is better.
I am a big believer in schedules. When my son was first born, I was incredibly eager to get us into some semblance of a routine. We started bathing him daily very early on because I wanted to establish a nighttime routine from the get-go. The schedule wasn't really possible until he was sleeping through the night and even then it took quite a while for him to nap at the same time each day. When we finally got to a point where he was eating his meals and drinking his bottles and napping set times each day, I realized that our lives were dictated by his schedule. Every time I wanted to make plans on the weekend I had to factor in when Matty would need to nap and when he would need to eat. Between the sleeping the bottles and the actual mealtime, it was almost impossible to do anything without it interfering with our timetable. I realized quickly that I was going to need to be a parent who didn't live my life by the schedule. As I've mentioned many times, finding ways to continue to be myself while also being a mother has been really important to me. I couldn't accept passing up time with friends every weekend because of a nap. However, I also recognize the importance of the routine and the fact that he really needs all the pieces of his day in order to happy and healthy and functioning well. But, he doesn't necessarily need them at exactly the same time. Or in exactly the same order. So, he sticks to the schedule most days. But on the special occasions days - days we're spending with family or friends, holidays, birthday parties, etc - we play with it a little bit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it has allowed us to participate in life in a way that we wouldn't have been able to if we were slaves to the schedule.
I can't do everything.
This is probably the most important thing I've learned in the last 12 months. It is a mantra that I repeat to myself daily, if not multiple times a day. I can't do everything. This is, of course, true of all people, but after having a child we have to come to terms with a new reality as far as what we are going to be able to accomplish in a 24-hour period. My dishes definitely sit in the sink longer than they used to. I haven't read a book in a very long time. I don't get to write blog posts nearly as often as I'd like. Sometimes, when I'm watching television, I feel guilty knowing that there are probably fifty other things I could be doing. And sometimes, I really should be doing them. But other times, that time in front of the TV or on the phone or having a glass of wine is crucial to my sanity. I try really hard to make sure I am taking care of myself, because I know that I can only be the kind of mother I want to be if I am. My son benefits way more if I am happy than if all of the laundry is folded. I do what I can. Sometimes I could do a little more, and I try to push myself to get things done on the nights when I'm feeling a little more energized. But I also try not to beat myself up if I didn't get to a task on my to-do list. I just can't do everything.
Being up early is kind of awesome.
I have lived my whole life as a night person. In college, I rarely signed up for classes before noon. When I was pregnant, one of the biggest anxieties I had was about the early wake up time that comes with having children. It wasn't so much the sleep deprivation in the beginning that worried me, but rather I thought a lot about what would happen once the baby was sleeping through the night, but was waking up for the day at 6am. I was very nervous about how I would manage to start my day that early, particularly on the weekends. As it turns out, I like being up early. I love walking through the neighborhood at 8am and taking care of errands before the old me would have even considered being out of bed. I love having a little time before work to relax and play with my son. I'm so used to it now that sometimes I even wake up before he does and I can enjoy some quiet time with a cup of tea and the New York Times. The hours between 6:30am and 8:30am have become my favorite of the day. There are still days when I hear Matthew babbling in his crib ready to start the day and all I can think is 'please go back to sleep.' And when the grandparents are in town and offer to spend time with him so I can stay in bed an extra hour or two, I usually accept it. But, most of the time, when I need it to be, my body is ready to go when he is, and we share some of our most special moments in those hours before we leave the house.
Careful what you brag about.
First of all, bragging about your child's accomplishments, especially to other new moms, is somewhat insensitive. If you're talking to a mother whose daughter is very fussy about eating and you're going on about how your son eats anything you put in front of him, she may not be all that excited to hear it. New mothers are often insecure about how well they're doing as parents, and how well their children are developing, and it can be especially difficult to hear how another child is excelling in the very areas they are concerned about. But aside from that, bragging about your child is a bad idea because things change in a heartbeat when it comes to babies. A child who is eating well may suddenly refuse food entirely. A child who has been sleeping through the night may start waking up every few hours. My advice here is less about annoying your friends and more about not getting too confident. Babies have a funny way of being unpredictable, and it is usually right when parents start getting comfortable with a routine that things change. There are many reasons why sudden changes occur - illness, teething, growth spurt, etc - but it's not always so obvious which one it is or how long it will last. The good news is that often these things correct themselves quickly. Once the tooth comes in or the illness passes, a child will typically revert back to the former behavior. But, still, I've learned that it's good practice not to take a baby's habits for granted, as you never know when they might change.
Instincts are incredible, but learning when to ignore them is crucial.
Maternal instincts are crazy. In the beginning I could not believe that my husband managed to sleep through all of our son's night crying. There would be mornings when Matty was two weeks old that my husband would look at me and say "Wow, Matthew slept through the night?" and I would look at him icily and say "No, he was up 3 times." I knew it was a good thing that Scott was able to sleep through it, as he was not on leave and still needed to function at work. But, I couldn't understand how it was possible that he didn't hear it. Until one night my mother came to visit. And she slept in Matty's room and I pumped a bottle for the 3am feeding. And I slept right through the night. When I asked my mother how the night had been she said he cried for a while after his bottle before falling back to sleep. I hadn't heard a thing. I realized that my instincts were so sharp, that as long as I knew my son needed me, I'd hear him. But as soon as I'd secured a substitute for an evening, I allowed myself to sleep.
It was a fascinating discovery and it made me really appreciate the brilliance of the universe for giving mothers this way of being so in sync with our children's needs. For the first months of a child's life, we rely heavily on these instincts. We don't know what our children are trying to tell us and we have to just feel our way, trusting these instincts and our internal intuition. The problem is that as our children get older, we need to learn when to turn these instincts off, or at least how to ignore them. As infants, all our babies need is our love and protection. They need to be held and cuddled so they learn that we are here for them. But, as they get older, they need to start learning some things on their own. As the months pass, babies are ready to teach themselves to self-soothe. They are ready to play with other children and be comfortable with other adults. Our instincts may be screaming not to leave our crying babies at daycare or to go take them out of their cribs and rock them to sleep. Those same instincts that were so reliable in the early months are now actually impeding our ability to do what's best for our children's long term development. This is perhaps one of the hardest things I've had to learn as a mother.
Schedules are great. Flexibility is better.
I am a big believer in schedules. When my son was first born, I was incredibly eager to get us into some semblance of a routine. We started bathing him daily very early on because I wanted to establish a nighttime routine from the get-go. The schedule wasn't really possible until he was sleeping through the night and even then it took quite a while for him to nap at the same time each day. When we finally got to a point where he was eating his meals and drinking his bottles and napping set times each day, I realized that our lives were dictated by his schedule. Every time I wanted to make plans on the weekend I had to factor in when Matty would need to nap and when he would need to eat. Between the sleeping the bottles and the actual mealtime, it was almost impossible to do anything without it interfering with our timetable. I realized quickly that I was going to need to be a parent who didn't live my life by the schedule. As I've mentioned many times, finding ways to continue to be myself while also being a mother has been really important to me. I couldn't accept passing up time with friends every weekend because of a nap. However, I also recognize the importance of the routine and the fact that he really needs all the pieces of his day in order to happy and healthy and functioning well. But, he doesn't necessarily need them at exactly the same time. Or in exactly the same order. So, he sticks to the schedule most days. But on the special occasions days - days we're spending with family or friends, holidays, birthday parties, etc - we play with it a little bit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it has allowed us to participate in life in a way that we wouldn't have been able to if we were slaves to the schedule.
I can't do everything.
This is probably the most important thing I've learned in the last 12 months. It is a mantra that I repeat to myself daily, if not multiple times a day. I can't do everything. This is, of course, true of all people, but after having a child we have to come to terms with a new reality as far as what we are going to be able to accomplish in a 24-hour period. My dishes definitely sit in the sink longer than they used to. I haven't read a book in a very long time. I don't get to write blog posts nearly as often as I'd like. Sometimes, when I'm watching television, I feel guilty knowing that there are probably fifty other things I could be doing. And sometimes, I really should be doing them. But other times, that time in front of the TV or on the phone or having a glass of wine is crucial to my sanity. I try really hard to make sure I am taking care of myself, because I know that I can only be the kind of mother I want to be if I am. My son benefits way more if I am happy than if all of the laundry is folded. I do what I can. Sometimes I could do a little more, and I try to push myself to get things done on the nights when I'm feeling a little more energized. But I also try not to beat myself up if I didn't get to a task on my to-do list. I just can't do everything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)