Reflections on a Year

And just like that....my baby is one. I have absolutely no idea how this happened. I have caught myself several times today lost in thought, thinking back to where I was and what I was doing exactly one year ago. In some ways it feels like it was yesterday and in other ways it's hard to believe that there was ever a time when I didn't know what it felt like to be a mother. This year has been filled with so many experiences and all the emotions that go with them. Watching my son's development, seeing the wheels in his mind turning and working things out has been incredible to witness. He is constantly exploring, using each and every sense to take in the world (though touch and taste are clear favorites). And as I was sitting and thinking about all the things his little brain has learned in the last year, I realized that I, too, have taken in a tremendous amount. Being a mother has taught me so many things - about myself and about life - and I am so grateful to be here, looking back over the first year of this parenting journey.

Being up early is kind of awesome. 
I have lived my whole life as a night person. In college, I rarely signed up for classes before noon. When I was pregnant, one of the biggest anxieties I had was about the early wake up time that comes with having children. It wasn't so much the sleep deprivation in the beginning that worried me, but rather I thought a lot about what would happen once the baby was sleeping through the night, but was waking up for the day at 6am. I was very nervous about how I would manage to start my day that early, particularly on the weekends. As it turns out, I like being up early. I love walking through the neighborhood at 8am and taking care of errands before the old me would have even considered being out of bed. I love having a little time before work to relax and play with my son.  I'm so used to it now that sometimes I even wake up before he does and I can enjoy some quiet time with a cup of tea and the New York Times. The hours between 6:30am and 8:30am have become my favorite of the day. There are still days when I hear Matthew babbling in his crib ready to start the day and all I can think is 'please go back to sleep.' And when the grandparents are in town and offer to spend time with him so I can stay in bed an extra hour or two, I usually accept it. But, most of the time, when I need it to be, my body is ready to go when he is, and we share some of our most special moments in those hours before we leave the house.

Careful what you brag about.
First of all, bragging about your child's accomplishments, especially to other new moms, is somewhat insensitive. If you're talking to a mother whose daughter is very fussy about eating and you're going on about how your son eats anything you put in front of him, she may not be all that excited to hear it. New mothers are often insecure about how well they're doing as parents, and how well their children are developing, and it can be especially difficult to hear how another child is excelling in the very areas they are concerned about. But aside from that, bragging about your child is a bad idea because things change in a heartbeat when it comes to babies. A child who is eating well may suddenly refuse food entirely. A child who has been sleeping through the night may start waking up every few hours. My advice here is less about annoying your friends and more about not getting too confident. Babies have a funny way of being unpredictable, and it is usually right when parents start getting comfortable with a routine that things change. There are many reasons why sudden changes occur - illness, teething, growth spurt, etc - but it's not always so obvious which one it is or how long it will last. The good news is that often these things correct themselves quickly. Once the tooth comes in or the illness passes, a child will typically revert back to the former behavior. But, still, I've learned that it's good practice not to take a baby's habits for granted, as you never know when they might change.

Instincts are incredible, but learning when to ignore them is crucial. 
Maternal instincts are crazy. In the beginning I could not believe that my husband managed to sleep through all of our son's night crying. There would be mornings when Matty was two weeks old that my husband would look at me and say "Wow, Matthew slept through the night?" and I would look at him icily and say "No, he was up 3 times." I knew it was a good thing that Scott was able to sleep through it, as he was not on leave and still needed to function at work. But, I couldn't understand how it was possible that he didn't hear it. Until one night my mother came to visit. And she slept in Matty's room and I pumped a bottle for the 3am feeding. And I slept right through the night. When I asked my mother how the night had been she said he cried for a while after his bottle before falling back to sleep. I hadn't heard a thing. I realized that my instincts were so sharp, that as long as I knew my son needed me, I'd hear him. But as soon as I'd secured a substitute for an evening, I allowed myself to sleep.

It was a fascinating discovery and it made me really appreciate the brilliance of the universe for giving mothers this way of being so in sync with our children's needs. For the first months of a child's life, we rely heavily on these instincts. We don't know what our children are trying to tell us and we have to just feel our way, trusting these instincts and our internal intuition. The problem is that as our children get older, we need to learn when to turn these instincts off, or at least how to ignore them. As infants, all our babies need is our love and protection. They need to be held and cuddled so they learn that we are here for them. But, as they get older, they need to start learning some things on their own. As the months pass, babies are ready to teach themselves to self-soothe. They are ready to play with other children and be comfortable with other adults. Our instincts may be screaming not to leave our crying babies at daycare or to go take them out of their cribs and rock them to sleep. Those same instincts that were so reliable in the early months are now actually impeding our ability to do what's best for our children's long term development. This is perhaps one of the hardest things I've had to learn as a mother.

Schedules are great. Flexibility is better.
I am a big believer in schedules. When my son was first born, I was incredibly eager to get us into some semblance of a routine. We started bathing him daily very early on because I wanted to establish a nighttime routine from the get-go. The schedule wasn't really possible until he was sleeping through the night and even then it took quite a while for him to nap at the same time each day. When we finally got to a point where he was eating his meals and drinking his bottles and napping set times each day, I realized that our lives were dictated by his schedule. Every time I wanted to make plans on the weekend I had to factor in when Matty would need to nap and when he would need to eat. Between the sleeping the bottles and the actual mealtime, it was almost impossible to do anything without it interfering with our timetable. I realized quickly that I was going to need to be a parent who didn't live my life by the schedule. As I've mentioned many times, finding ways to continue to be myself while also being a mother has been really important to me. I couldn't accept passing up time with friends every weekend because of a nap. However, I also recognize the importance of the routine and the fact that he really needs all the pieces of his day in order to happy and healthy and functioning well. But, he doesn't necessarily need them at exactly the same time. Or in exactly the same order. So, he sticks to the schedule most days. But on the special occasions days - days we're spending with family or friends, holidays, birthday parties, etc - we play with it a little bit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it has allowed us to participate in life in a way that we wouldn't have been able to if we were slaves to the schedule.

I can't do everything.
This is probably the most important thing I've learned in the last 12 months. It is a mantra that I repeat to myself daily, if not multiple times a day. I can't do everything. This is, of course, true of all people, but after having a child we have to come to terms with a new reality as far as what we are going to be able to accomplish in a 24-hour period. My dishes definitely sit in the sink longer than they used to. I haven't read a book in a very long time. I don't get to write blog posts nearly as often as I'd like. Sometimes, when I'm watching television, I feel guilty knowing that there are probably fifty other things I could be doing. And sometimes, I really should be doing them. But other times, that time in front of the TV or on the phone or having a glass of wine is crucial to my sanity. I try really hard to make sure I am taking care of myself, because I know that I can only be the kind of mother I want to be if I am. My son benefits way more if I am happy than if all of the laundry is folded.  I do what I can. Sometimes I could do a little more, and I try to push myself to get things done on the nights when I'm feeling a little more energized. But I also try not to beat myself up if I didn't get to a task on my to-do list. I just can't do everything.