So, there it is. Right there in the title. My big confession. Matthew is about to be 16-months-old and given that pregnancy takes close to a year and you never know how long it will take to get pregnant, I'm right at the point of starting to think about having my next child. And it absolutely terrifies me.
It's an interesting place to find myself, because I had absolutely no fear before deciding to get pregnant the first time. I know many people worry about the major life change that is coming or the pain of labor or the ways that parenting is going to be difficult, but I didn't feel concerned about any of those things. Sure, I was anxious to see how parenthood would turn out, but my decision to get pregnant came with 100% conviction. I knew I wanted to be a mother and all of the other things seemed trivial in comparison.
This feels different. This time the hardships of parenthood are not unknown. This time I know what to expect and I know to expect it while also having a toddler to care for. This time it is not about becoming a mother, which was a need that trumped everything else. This time it is about enhancing the maternal (and paternal) experience and giving my son a sibling which I believe is the greatest gift we can ever give him.
These are great reasons, but they aren't great enough to drown out the fear. The fear of being too tired to give Matthew the attention he craves. The fear of losing the unbelievable bond that Scott and I currently have with our son. The fear of not loving a second child as much as I love the first. The fear that two children will make it impossible to focus on the grown-up things that we work so hard to focus on now. The fear that I will be unhappy. It's all there. And no matter how much my I know, in my mind and my heart, that I want to have more children, this scared voice is having a hard time being quieted.
So why am I telling you this? I don't usually write from such a personal standpoint, but I thought this was important to share. Not in the hopes that parents who already have two children will find me and reassure me that everything will be okay. In fact, I already know that everything will be okay. I know that it is perfectly normal, and even expected to have these kinds of feelings. I know that some of my fears will disappear the moment a second child is born and that some of things I'm concerned about really will be challenging. I know that many, many parents before me have gone through this transition and, even with some early struggles, have ultimately come out happier on the other side.
I'm sharing my fears with you because I think one of the hardest pieces in this parenting puzzle is that we don't talk enough. So many experiences that I've encountered on this journey so far - pregnancy, labor, post-partum adjustment - were made more difficult by the fact that there were so many things I just didn't know to expect. For some reason there is a lot that nobody says. I am trying to do my part in opening these avenues of communication. And so if there are people out there reading this who are feeling guilty or worried about the fact that they are scared of leaping into having a second child, I want them to know that they are not alone. Even I, the mom blogger who jumped into motherhood like I was preparing for it my whole life, am afraid. Every big change we make is scary. And there are real legitimate reasons to feel nervous.
What is important is not allowing our fears to stop us from doing the things we want to do. Life changes are always scary, but usually the anticipation is more frightening than the reality. Most importantly, if we're feeling afraid, let's talk about it. Let's realize that everybody feels a little apprehension before heading into these major transitions. Let's ask those who have gone before us for tips on easing into the first weeks and months of a two-child household. Let's not add to our list of fears by being afraid to talk about the things that are concerning us.
Wishing all my Jewish readers a Happy Chanukkah.
ha!you might as well live in my head... i too- am terrified-- until a few months ago, I was sure Enzo would be an only child, but now that the scars from pregnancy and the first year have been somewhat healed, I believe that having a sibling is very important and have thought about it more... I mean, I am definitely NOT READY. (Hell, i probably won't ever really BE ready...) I feel like i was JUST pregnant so I don't want to be there for a while... you're right about asking for advice, I think support from people who have been there and done that really helps put things in perspective!
ReplyDeleteTHe most amazing thing, if you ask me, is that human nature is made in such a way that while motherhood is by far the hardest thing women will ever do, maternal instinct makes us forget about all the hardships and actually make a decision to have more kids!
"...not allowing our fears to stop us from doing the things we want to do." Excellent, TQB.
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