So here I am, almost 11 months into motherhood, and I'm thinking I've pretty much got the hang of it. We have our routine down, we (usually) manage to get out of the house on time in the morning and in bed on time in the evening. We keep to a pretty solid schedule, but I'm not opposed to messing with it a bit for the sake of getting out and socializing. Matty's eating like a champ and crawling all over. He's deep into his exploratory phase, putting his hands on anything in his reach and his mouth on anything that's not nailed down. He's growing too fast for me, but that is to be expected, and probably won't ever stop.
Overall, I feel about a thousand times more comfortable with this mom gig than I did eleven months ago. Even the logistical things that used to make me hyperventilate (how are we going to get all of that into the car!?) are starting to freak me out less. I would say that things have definitely gotten easier. Except for one thing.
I did not take into account the shift that happens when a baby starts being more aware of his surroundings. Leaving Matty at daycare, putting him down on the floor after I carry him in from the car, even laying him down on my bed in the morning after I take him out of his crib - it is all cause for intense crying. This happy-go-lucky kid is suddenly very, very aware of when I am leaving him - even if it's just to walk across the room and he does not like it one bit.
I have always heard that around nine months babies start to develop separation anxiety, so this did not come as a total surprise. However, I've been thinking back to the first time I left Matty at daycare. It was a difficult experience, but the difficulty was all mine. I was sad to be leaving him. I was sad to go back to work. I was sad to be missing out on things. He, on the other hand, didn't know the difference. He was in a fun place with fun toys and he was perfectly happy. He had no understanding of my leaving and so once I got used to the idea of leaving him, the actual act of walking out the door was no big deal. Fast forward 7 months, and things have drastically changed. He knows exactly what's going on when I leave and he's not always so cool with it. Suddenly that walk out the door is a painful exchange of looks where I can see the pleading in my son's eyes saying "no, Mommy, please don't go." Amazingly, this sadness reached its height right after my husband and I left him with his grandparents for the weekend. I am always in awe of the intelligence babies have and the way they can translate experiences.
So, what's my point? Well, I like to find the lessons of parenthood along the way, and here is the one I've found in this new territory. Babies respond directly to how we behave. When a baby falls down the best thing to do is smile and say "boom! you're ok!," and clap our hands and make it seem like no big deal. It's when the grown ups start gasping and making a fuss that a kid will start crying (unless there's a real injury), because babies really do take our lead. So, as hard as it may be (and sometimes it's really, really hard), the best thing to do is just act like everything is fine. Every morning I drop my son off, and when it's time for me to go, I give him a kiss and I say goodbye and I tell him I'll be back at the end of the day. No drama. No drawn out goodbyes. Just a matter-of-fact exit. And when I realize he's going to start crying, I remind him again that I'll be back later, and then I go. I don't look back and I don't peek in (mostly because I consider that to be self-torture, although most often if I did look, I'd see that he's stopped crying within seconds of me walking out the door).
As I've always said, there is no right way to do this parenting thing. Different things really do work for different people, so I'm not suggesting this is the only way. Find something that works for you, and go with it. The only thing I will caution against is this: it may seem like a good idea to sneak out so that the baby doesn't have a chance to get upset. Sometimes the thought of seeing that look and watching a baby cry is so distressing, that parents decide to leave while the child is looking the other way. The problem is that these early months are all about building trust. It's important for our babies to know that we leave them in the morning, but that we come back for them at night. Saying goodbye may be a rough moment, but it's a necessary one, as well. To be gone with no warning makes our children think that we can just disappear at any moment, which is an incredibly scary and anxiety-inducing notion.
These moments of sadness at separation are tough. Especially when reflecting on the fact that in the early days it was so much easier. But, it's also a good time for me to help my son understand that goodbye is not forever. I am teaching him now that he can trust that I will be there for him. I may have to go away sometimes - for work, or a trip with Daddy - but I will come back to him. In the long run, it's a really important thing for him to know, and I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to prove it to him now.
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