The Art of Talking to Pregnant Women

I haven't thought about pregnancy in a while. It's been 18 months since I was pregnant and from almost the moment I made the transition to post-partum life, I forgot about what it had been like for the 40 weeks prior to motherhood. But, I have a lot of friends who are pregnant at the moment, some for the first time, and so I've been engaging in some conversations recently about the kinds of experiences women go through when they are pregnant. Additionally I've been seeing a lot of pregnancy photos on facebook and instagram and quietly noting the way that people respond to pregnant women and the words they use in congratulating them and wishing them well.

I want to really stress those last words - congratulating them and wishing them well. There is no question in my mind that when people speak to pregnant women they are trying to express excitement over what is happening. Unfortunately, this often comes out in unkind and hurtful ways. The thing that is so difficult about pregnancy is that it is an incredibly private experience that is happening in an extraordinarily public way. There is no way to control this, of course, and so women are left being very exposed and end up falling prey to whatever comments and questions people feel like throwing at them.

What's interesting is how much of this is learned from experience. I cringe thinking of some of the things I said to pregnant women before I went through it myself. I remember one instance in particular where a former coworker came to an event I was working and was 7 months pregnant. Our exchange went like this:

Me: Wow! I didn't even know you were pregnant! How far along are you?
Her: 7 months!
Me: Oh my goodness! You're going to get even bigger?! That's crazy!!
Her: Um..yeah...it's okay. I feel good...it's really all in my belly.

I don't know why the exchange stuck with me, but it did and I always had this nagging sense that I'd said the wrong thing. And as time went on and I went through my own pregnancy I began to realize what I didn't understand, and what so many people still don't: Yes, when you get pregnant you get bigger. Yes, this is totally normal and expected and necessary and obvious. But, no, it does not mean that it is fun or enjoyable or easy to accept. No one means any harm when they make these comments to pregnant women, I know I certainly did not. But what is important for all of us to realize is that body changes are very sensitive experiences. You would never walk up to a woman who has gained a few pounds and say "wow, you're looking bigger than last time I saw you!" Of course a woman knows that she is going to put on weight and that she will inevitably look larger than she did when she was not pregnant. But, that does not mean that she is not self-conscious about the transformation or that she isn't having a hard time with what her body is doing.

Additionally, there are all kinds of thoughts and concerns that pregnant women have to deal with. Each pregnancy is unique and every woman deals with different things.  There's no way to know what a woman is going through regarding her pregnancy and so you really have to be careful with what you say. Speaking personally, I remember being particularly concerned that my butt was getting big. It didn't seem to be something that I had much control over, so I tried not to think about it, but it definitely made me self-conscious. When people would tell me that my belly looked small, it only exacerbated my concern that all the weight I was gaining was in the wrong places. I was well aware that their intentions were good (everyone wants to hear they look tiny!) and I also knew that no one could possibly know what was going on in my head. But, it didn't change the fact that their words made their way inside my head and fed the self-consciousness that was already hiding there.

You just can't know what a woman is feeling. So, when you approach a pregnant woman, there is really only one thing you are allowed to say to her regarding her appearance. "You look wonderful." That's it. It doesn't matter if in your mind she is larger or smaller or wider or narrower or if you can't tell she's pregnant from the back or if you barely recognize her face. You tell her she looks wonderful. Because she is carrying a baby and she looks exactly how she is supposed to look. And I thought about this for a long time, debating if the right advice is really not to comment on a woman's appearance at all. And in an ideal world I think that would be the best way to go. But, I try to be realistic about the world we live in. And commenting on the appearance of a pregnant woman (and really ALL women) is so common that I fear that if we said nothing at all a woman may interpret that negatively as well. So instead, I say, tell her she looks wonderful. Don't be specific, don't tell her what parts of her body you are looking at or thinking about or noticing. Keep it simple and move on.

While we are on the topic of pregnancy etiquette, I do also want to mention that though baby bumps are out there for all to see, they are not out there for all to touch. As inviting as they may seem, do NOT ever touch a woman's belly without explicit permission to do so. The addition of a fetus to a woman's uterus does not suddenly make her body any less her own. You would not walk up to a stranger on the subway and fondle her breast, so do not touch a pregnant woman's belly unsolicited.

And the next time you run into a pregnant friend or see a "bump photo" online, do whatever you have to do to stifle the urge to say "OMG! You look huuuuge!!" A pregnant woman, like any other, wants to feel comfortable in her own skin. No matter how much she knows the changes she is experiencing are appropriate and healthy, hearing other people comment on how she looks - no matter how complimentary you think those comments are - is going to be unpleasant. So don't do it.

Quick and Easy Activity to Do With Your Toddler

I am so lucky to be able to spend a couple of days a week at home with my son. But, with the weather being so cold, it's been challenging to think of good ways to spend our time together. I am sure other mothers are having the same difficulty, so I thought I'd share this little game we played yesterday that my son really loved.

I brought out 4 pieces of tupperware and a pitcher of water. I let him watch me as I poured some water into each container. I then took out food coloring and proceeded to turn each bowl of water into a different color. I wasn't sure what we would do once I'd added the colors, but I hoped that he would at least be interested in watching the change. What was great was that he then, on his own, started sticking his hands into each bowl and seeing what happened to his hand as it was submerged in the colored water. It did get somewhat messy (I threw down a towel after the photo was taken), but he was completely fascinated and it was definitely worth the trouble.

My son is 18-months-old and doesn't have the longest attention span so it was not an activity that took up too much time, but it was nice to take a break from our usual story/puzzles/blocks routine. It was also a fun way to go over the names of each of the colors. As he gets older I may add some extra empty tupperware and experiment with pouring in the different colors and seeing what they make when mixed together.

What are some of the ways that you and your toddler keep busy when you're cooped up in the house? Share in the comments below :)

Reclaiming Valentine's Day

As I've mentioned many times, I spend a lot of time these days thinking about the world around me and trying to see things through the lens of motherhood. The most recent topic to occupy my brain is Valentine's Day. I've always felt that the holiday was pretty silly, perpetuated by the chocolate companies and the card companies, and marketed in such an over-top-way that the negative impact on those not in relationships far outweighs the positive experience of the couples. That said, it is an impossible day to avoid, and since I expect that it will be celebrated at daycare, I've been thinking about what kind of a day I want it to be.

I started contemplating what conversations I could have with my son about Valentine's Day. He is only 18-months-old, but I like to explain things to him and it would be great to come up with something to say to him now that I could expand on as he gets older.  Yesterday it occurred to me that there is a great opportunity here.

We have a day on the calendar every year that is specifically devoted to love, and yet we live in a country where the majority of states still say it's illegal for two people who love each other to get married, if they happen to be the same sex. We have a long way to go as a country to truly respect each other's rights to love. As parents it is our job to teach our children to love and respect others and to fight for all people's freedom.  We are responsible for ensuring that the next generation is even more loving, more open-minded, and more insistent that change happens. What better time to start that conversation than on Valentine's Day? As of tomorrow, February 14, 2013, I am declaring Valentine's Day as a true Day of Love. Not just a day to express love to our partners (although, that will certainly still be a part of it), but also a day to talk to our children about the importance of loving and respecting (and fighting for) other's rights to love.

And it doesn't have to just be talk. It's also a great opportunity to engage our children in some activism. Make a donation to an LGBT-friendly organization, write a letter to a representative expressing your feelings on the importance of allowing all people to marry, check out websites like It Gets Better and make a plan to get involved. 

Whatever you do, let's do something. Let's reclaim Valentine's Day for Love. 
 

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Why I'd Love to Sit Down and Chat With Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham has made quite a name for herself in the last year. As the writer, director, and star of the hit HBO show Girls, Dunham has been the focus of much critique over the last several months. While some of the commentary does manage to discuss the actual merits of her talent, an awful lot of it seems to be about one particular thing: her affinity for being naked. And more specifically, her affinity for being naked even though she does not have society's idea of a perfect body.

As a woman, it's been really interesting to watch this conversation unfold. There has always been an unspoken understanding in American culture that women whose bodies are deemed to be attractive are welcome, and even encouraged, to wear less clothing and those whose bodies are deemed to be less attractive (read: larger) should wear more. It's not necessarily something we talk about, but the general public seems to be collectively uncomfortable with the idea of a woman with real curves being naked. And even if they weren't, Dunham does an excellent job of putting herself in some of the least flattering positions and situations to really drive the point home.

I am utterly in awe of Lena Dunham. I have always been relatively confident about my body. I have never had much of an issue with self-esteem or my own sexuality. Inside the confines of my own bedroom, I have had no difficulty with being undressed. But I couldn't do what she does. I couldn't be that naked - that vulnerable - in front of that many people, and be that comfortable. Each time I watch one of Dunham's sex scenes I wonder how it is possible for her to be that willing and able to completely ignore society's parameters. I applaud her and I support her and I'm even grateful for what she's doing, but I don't understand how she's able to do it.

So what's my point? Why am I writing about this on a mom blog? What does this have to do with parenting? Well, quite possibly, everything. I don't know what kind of parents Lena Dunham has. And I don't know what her life experiences have been leading her to where she is today. But someone, somewhere made her feel like who she is is exactly who she's supposed to be. I want to know who did what for Lena Dunham that instilled her with this incredible and seemingly unshakeable confidence. I want to sit down with her for fifteen minutes and ask her how it is that she got to be the way she is.  I want to know what I can do for my own children that might lead them to a place where they are able to utterly ignore the opinions of almost everybody and just be themselves.

Say what you want about Lena Dunham, her mere existence is a win for humanity. I've always believed that no one can hurt us if we love ourselves enough, but I've never seen the point made more clearly than with Dunham. As a mother, my goal from the beginning has been to not just love my child(ren) but to help them love themselves. After watching Girls and the firestorm of reactions, I now, more than ever, understand why this is so very important.

The Weight Does Not Just Fall Off!

I remember when I was pregnant one of the things I heard most often was that if I was planning to breastfeed I wouldn't have to worry about losing the baby weight. There seems to be this idea floating around that nursing makes the extra pounds magically fall off and that returning to pre-baby condition requires minimal work at best. I have come to realize in the years since I first heard this notion that not only is it completely false, it is also a terribly mean thing to tell women. It makes us feel like we are doing something wrong if we aren't shedding the baby weight faster. We feel disappointed (or worse) when we reach 3 months postpartum and are still not even close to fitting into our old jeans. And at a time in our lives with so many unknowns, when we have absolutely no idea what to expect, it is cruel to be given such blatant misinformation.

So let's get this out of the way now. The weight does NOT just fall off. It took 40 weeks to put all that weight on, it's unfair to think it should all be gone in 12. The first weeks after giving birth are chock full of all kinds of experiences. There are incredible highs and sometimes intense lows as well. Hormones are all out of whack and emotions are all over the place. There are so many things to focus on in those early days - getting enough sleep, getting the hang of nursing, and finding time to connect to a partner are all really important, not to mention the weeks it takes for the body to physically heal and recover. There just isn't time to make losing weight a priority, at least not right away.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that new mothers should eat unhealthy food or spend months not moving from the couch. In fact, it is a good idea for breastfeeding women to eat healthy and well-balanced meals to provide the most nutritious milk for their babies. And sometimes a nice walk around the block can go a long way for a woman's overall well-being. However, eating well may not lead to the rapid loss of weight that many women seem to expect. And sometimes healing takes longer than one might think, making it difficult to jump back into physical activity. Of course it is always a good idea to try and take good care of ourselves but it's important to make sure that our focus is on the right things - and weight loss is not the right thing.

As I say often, so much of what makes this initial postpartum time so difficult is how little people talk about the reality of what goes on. I truly believe that shedding light on some of these less-than-awesome aspects of the experience can help women significantly to manage expectations. We all know a woman or two who seemed to have lost her baby weight immediately after delivery. But to be fair, we also know a woman or two who can eat brownies and ice cream after dinner every night and never gain an ounce. Our bodies all work differently, so to compare our postpartum weight loss to our friends' - and to expect our own to be equally as simple - is a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment. Instead, remind yourself what an amazing process your body has just been through. Nine months of housing and caring for a growing fetus followed by hours of labor and eventual delivery. Your body is an absolute warrior. To thrust upon it a new goal of losing weight right away is borderline abusive.

Nature is a pretty incredible thing. Women's bodies were made to have babies. They were designed to put on extra weight during pregnancy and then to lose it when it's no longer needed. What we should be telling women who are expecting their first baby is to enjoy those first months of motherhood without worrying about what they look like.  To think of nothing else other than their baby's needs, adjusting to their new family dynamic, and learning the ins and outs of parenthood. Weight shouldn't be part of the conversation.

I do understand that returning to pre-baby size after delivery is a concern that expecting mothers have, and I don't mean to trivialize it. But understanding that this, like everything else in motherhood, is a process that takes time is crucial. Weight loss will come, but it will take some work and it probably won't happen right away. If more women knew this going in, and weren't being fed some line about breastfeeding being weight loss magic, then they could properly prepare themselves and be less distracted and disappointed when the baby comes, leaving them with more time to focus on the things that really matter.

I Know What We Can Do

In the aftermath of one of the most atrocious massacres we've ever seen, there has been a lot of talk. Talk of gun control. Talk of mental illness. Talk of family values. We all, understandably, want to figure out what we could have done to prevent something like this from happening, and what we can do to make sure it never happens again.

The awful truth is that we don't have any answers. And even more awful is the notion that no matter what we do, we probably can't completely prevent these violent outbursts from occurring, though we may be able to make them less deadly. We are going to continue talking for some time, and I do sincerely hope that we come up with some viable options to help us deal with all of the problems this massacre has forced us to identify.

But that still leaves me with the question - what can I do? Right now. I want to do something. I've been racking my brain trying to figure this out. And it finally hit me. We are reacting to something specific. And in doing so, we have missed a bigger picture. We are focusing on preventing the kind of senseless death that we have very, very little control over. It makes sense that in the wake of something this horrifying that would be our reaction. But, there are people that die senselessly in this country every day because of things that we actually could have prevented. Easily. I think the best thing we can do to honor the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary School is vow not to throw life away for no reason. If this nightmare has taught me anything it is how very precious our lives really are. I think every time we think of those children and the teachers who died with them, we should make a pledge to never take our own lives for granted:

I will not drink and drive.
I will not let my friends drink and drive.
I will not text and drive.
I will wear a helmet on any two-wheeled vehicle.

Maybe we even think long-term and consider:

I will take care of my cholesterol.
I will take care of my blood pressure. 
I will exercise.
I will check the batteries in my smoke alarm.
I will (try to) quit smoking
I will not go to tanning salons

Would love for you to add to this list in the comments.

Death is all around us, every day. So much of it can be prevented. It is a devastating reality (and that is putting it mildly) that a psychopath with a gun can destroy dozens of lives in a matter of minutes. I will never be able to accept this, as long as I live. And I will continue to encourage and participate in the conversation to help limit the casualties in situations like the one in Newtown, CT. But in the meantime, let's all promise to try and eliminate the preventable deaths we deal with on a regular basis. Let's take control of the things that are actually within our power. Let's take care of ourselves and each other. Let's show the world that we really do value life, and that we are making an effort to preserve it. It's the least we can do.

Facing Our Own Limitations

The day my son was born, I became a superhero. Provider of all needs. Solver of all problems. My superpower is a fierce intuition, instilled in me by the universe to care and protect my baby. To him, there is nothing I cannot do and no answer I do not have. He is still too young to fully understand these concepts, but his innate sense is that I am all he needs to remain happy, healthy, and safe. And in truth, I have convinced myself of these things, too.

As a mother, I have to believe to some extent that I can protect my son from the dangers of the world. I do all the things that mothers are supposed to do - careful carseat installation, cutting food into bite-size pieces, covering outlets and sharp table corners - to ensure that he is safe on a daily basis. I send him to an amazing accredited daycare with staff that I know and trust. I hug him and kiss him and read to him and make sure he knows how special he is and how very, very loved.

I do all that I can. And most days, it feels like it's enough. Most days it feels like I really can take care of this wonderful human being and shield him from the evils of the world. Most days are good days. But then there are other days. Days when I have to face the reality of my limitations. Days when something so devastating happens, something so mind-numbingly awful, that I have to admit that there are atrocities out there that could happen to us, that I am powerless to prevent. It is a terrifying reality to have to face.

Over the last few days, I have caught myself looking at my son with envy. At 16-months-old, he woke up on Saturday morning and his world was exactly as it had been the day before. He knows not of monsters with guns, of slaughtered children, of lives shattered with senseless violence. I look at him and I find I am amazed that innocence still exists. It feels as though the moment those lives were lost, all innocence should have evaporated into thin air. And then I am grateful that it hasn't. That as a parent of a child who is young enough to be oblivious, I can still protect him to some degree, at least for now.

But what of the children who are not too young to know? What about the children across the country who have heard about the shooting who now at seven or eight or nine have to wonder why the grown-ups, who they have always trusted implicitly, couldn't stop this from happening? How do we explain to them that the people they've always known as capable of anything couldn't protect Sandy Hook Elementary School?

In the wake of a tragedy, experts say the most important thing is to reassure children that they are safe. One of the biggest obstacles we all face in moving forward after something as awful as this, is finding a way to make those words feel true.  We, as parents and teachers and caretakers have to be strong enough to make our children and students believe us when we tell them this. It is a particularly challenging task when we ourselves feel so shaken and scared. But this is what caring for children is all about. We hold them tight and we kiss their foreheads and we continue doing the best we can. We find a way to put our own fears aside so we can provide them with the security they need to get through another day. It's not about being all-powerful superheroes, it's about being there for them when they need us. Even when we're struggling ourselves.