The Art of Talking to Pregnant Women

I haven't thought about pregnancy in a while. It's been 18 months since I was pregnant and from almost the moment I made the transition to post-partum life, I forgot about what it had been like for the 40 weeks prior to motherhood. But, I have a lot of friends who are pregnant at the moment, some for the first time, and so I've been engaging in some conversations recently about the kinds of experiences women go through when they are pregnant. Additionally I've been seeing a lot of pregnancy photos on facebook and instagram and quietly noting the way that people respond to pregnant women and the words they use in congratulating them and wishing them well.

I want to really stress those last words - congratulating them and wishing them well. There is no question in my mind that when people speak to pregnant women they are trying to express excitement over what is happening. Unfortunately, this often comes out in unkind and hurtful ways. The thing that is so difficult about pregnancy is that it is an incredibly private experience that is happening in an extraordinarily public way. There is no way to control this, of course, and so women are left being very exposed and end up falling prey to whatever comments and questions people feel like throwing at them.

What's interesting is how much of this is learned from experience. I cringe thinking of some of the things I said to pregnant women before I went through it myself. I remember one instance in particular where a former coworker came to an event I was working and was 7 months pregnant. Our exchange went like this:

Me: Wow! I didn't even know you were pregnant! How far along are you?
Her: 7 months!
Me: Oh my goodness! You're going to get even bigger?! That's crazy!!
Her: Um..yeah...it's okay. I feel good...it's really all in my belly.

I don't know why the exchange stuck with me, but it did and I always had this nagging sense that I'd said the wrong thing. And as time went on and I went through my own pregnancy I began to realize what I didn't understand, and what so many people still don't: Yes, when you get pregnant you get bigger. Yes, this is totally normal and expected and necessary and obvious. But, no, it does not mean that it is fun or enjoyable or easy to accept. No one means any harm when they make these comments to pregnant women, I know I certainly did not. But what is important for all of us to realize is that body changes are very sensitive experiences. You would never walk up to a woman who has gained a few pounds and say "wow, you're looking bigger than last time I saw you!" Of course a woman knows that she is going to put on weight and that she will inevitably look larger than she did when she was not pregnant. But, that does not mean that she is not self-conscious about the transformation or that she isn't having a hard time with what her body is doing.

Additionally, there are all kinds of thoughts and concerns that pregnant women have to deal with. Each pregnancy is unique and every woman deals with different things.  There's no way to know what a woman is going through regarding her pregnancy and so you really have to be careful with what you say. Speaking personally, I remember being particularly concerned that my butt was getting big. It didn't seem to be something that I had much control over, so I tried not to think about it, but it definitely made me self-conscious. When people would tell me that my belly looked small, it only exacerbated my concern that all the weight I was gaining was in the wrong places. I was well aware that their intentions were good (everyone wants to hear they look tiny!) and I also knew that no one could possibly know what was going on in my head. But, it didn't change the fact that their words made their way inside my head and fed the self-consciousness that was already hiding there.

You just can't know what a woman is feeling. So, when you approach a pregnant woman, there is really only one thing you are allowed to say to her regarding her appearance. "You look wonderful." That's it. It doesn't matter if in your mind she is larger or smaller or wider or narrower or if you can't tell she's pregnant from the back or if you barely recognize her face. You tell her she looks wonderful. Because she is carrying a baby and she looks exactly how she is supposed to look. And I thought about this for a long time, debating if the right advice is really not to comment on a woman's appearance at all. And in an ideal world I think that would be the best way to go. But, I try to be realistic about the world we live in. And commenting on the appearance of a pregnant woman (and really ALL women) is so common that I fear that if we said nothing at all a woman may interpret that negatively as well. So instead, I say, tell her she looks wonderful. Don't be specific, don't tell her what parts of her body you are looking at or thinking about or noticing. Keep it simple and move on.

While we are on the topic of pregnancy etiquette, I do also want to mention that though baby bumps are out there for all to see, they are not out there for all to touch. As inviting as they may seem, do NOT ever touch a woman's belly without explicit permission to do so. The addition of a fetus to a woman's uterus does not suddenly make her body any less her own. You would not walk up to a stranger on the subway and fondle her breast, so do not touch a pregnant woman's belly unsolicited.

And the next time you run into a pregnant friend or see a "bump photo" online, do whatever you have to do to stifle the urge to say "OMG! You look huuuuge!!" A pregnant woman, like any other, wants to feel comfortable in her own skin. No matter how much she knows the changes she is experiencing are appropriate and healthy, hearing other people comment on how she looks - no matter how complimentary you think those comments are - is going to be unpleasant. So don't do it.

Quick and Easy Activity to Do With Your Toddler

I am so lucky to be able to spend a couple of days a week at home with my son. But, with the weather being so cold, it's been challenging to think of good ways to spend our time together. I am sure other mothers are having the same difficulty, so I thought I'd share this little game we played yesterday that my son really loved.

I brought out 4 pieces of tupperware and a pitcher of water. I let him watch me as I poured some water into each container. I then took out food coloring and proceeded to turn each bowl of water into a different color. I wasn't sure what we would do once I'd added the colors, but I hoped that he would at least be interested in watching the change. What was great was that he then, on his own, started sticking his hands into each bowl and seeing what happened to his hand as it was submerged in the colored water. It did get somewhat messy (I threw down a towel after the photo was taken), but he was completely fascinated and it was definitely worth the trouble.

My son is 18-months-old and doesn't have the longest attention span so it was not an activity that took up too much time, but it was nice to take a break from our usual story/puzzles/blocks routine. It was also a fun way to go over the names of each of the colors. As he gets older I may add some extra empty tupperware and experiment with pouring in the different colors and seeing what they make when mixed together.

What are some of the ways that you and your toddler keep busy when you're cooped up in the house? Share in the comments below :)

It's Okay to Enjoy Being Away

It's been four months since I gave birth to my son, Matthew. Thinking back over the the time since he was born, I feel incredibly fortunate to be reflecting on a long list of moments that made me smile, and only a few where I felt frustrated or unhappy.

That said, there is one morning that stands out in my mind as the most difficult: the first time I dropped Matty off at daycare. I don't think I realized just how attached I had become to him over the twelve weeks of my maternity leave. Since the moment I brought him home, Matty and I spent close to every minute of every day together. I had left him with his dad or grandma for an hour or so when I needed to run an errand or take a nap, but for the most part, we had been together since the second he entered the world. I knew he needed me for all of his basic needs, but it didn't occur to me that I needed him, too. Being with Matty provided me with a sense of comfort. Any worry or anxiety I had as a new parent was put at ease when I was holding him. I knew he was okay, and I didn't have to worry.

Dropping Matty off at daycare was the first time I was going to be away from him for an extended period of time. I was a ball of different emotions - sadness, fear, loneliness, not to mention all the feelings I had about going back to work. I walked in and handed my baby to the staff and he immediately started hysterically crying. He was not quite 3 months old, and I am positive that he was crying because he was tired and not because I had handed him off, but it was still excruciating to hear. I started crying as well. I decided I needed to get out of there and let them do what they are trained to do. I knew Matty would be fine once he slept, and at his age he didn't really know if I was there or not.

I went to work and tried to stay busy, keeping my mind focused and not thinking about Matty and how much I missed him. The end of the day could not come fast enough. As soon as I was finished seeing my last client, I ran to pick him up as quickly as I could. The feeling of elation I had when I walked in and saw him is impossible to describe. The unparalleled joy of seeing him after our time apart actually made me feel like the separation was worth it.

It has been six weeks since that first day. While it is still slightly sad for me to drop him off in the mornings, I have also come to enjoy our time apart. For one thing, it really does make me appreciate our time together in a way I never could when I was always with him. Additionally, as he gets bigger and more active, I can do less and less of my own to-do list while he's awake. I try to drop him off a little before I need to leave for work or to get home a little before I need to pick him up. Knowing that he is in good hands means I can take care of a few things - errands, housework, etc - that I can't do when I am entertaining him.

At first I felt terrible about not rushing to get him the second I could. But as time has passed I realize how valuable this time apart is to our relationship. Becoming a parent does not mean I've completely become a different person. What it means is that the old me - the one who likes to jog along the Schuylkill or write a blog post - has to fight a little bit to survive. By taking some time for me when I am able to, I am actually enhancing the quality of my relationship with my son, because I am ensuring that I don't feel even the slightest bit resentful when I am with him.

Of course, most of the time Matthew and I spend apart is when I am at work, so I am still trying to find ways to do the things I enjoy. But putting Matty in daycare has helped me realize that it is okay to want some time apart, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying my time away from him.

Welcome to My New Blog :)

As some of you may know, I recently started writing for Examiner.com as a "Philly New Mom." I have been wanting to write more seriously and I came across the Examiner opportunity on careerbuilder.com. It was a good experience because it helped me realize exactly what I want - and don't want - from a writing gig. The Examiner is really looking for reporters - people to investigate stories, get new information, survey the local population, etc. I, on the hand, am looking for a forum to voice my thoughts, feelings and observations on being a new mom. The Examiner requires that their writers write objectively in the third person - a perfectly legitimate requirement for a news source. I am much more interested in writing in the first person. I want to share my knowledge, discuss everything I'm learning along the way and maybe even provide some advice when I think I have some to put out there.

I am very grateful for my brief stint as an Examiner. It got me more active on twitter, helped me discover that there is a world of mom bloggers out there and made me realize that I'm really excited about this as a writing opportunity. And so, I have left my post as an Examiner and have created this blog to share with anyone who's interested in reading. I plan to post both personal experiences and general parenting thoughts as well as continuing to recommend helpful parenting info in the Philly area.

More to come soon. Hope you'll come back and visit!