The Mommy Wars End Here

I have been wanting to write a piece about the vision I have for a new culture of mommies. I had the whole thing written in my head, laying out my new rules of how we need to treat each other as mothers. I was going to pick apart some of the issues that we tend to give each other a hard time about - i.e., feeding, and sleeping, and working- in the hope of refocusing our collective energy towards helping one another instead of criticizing.

But, I haven't gotten around to it yet. And now something so horrible has happened that I can barely put two words together on the subject. If you happen to have no connection to the Upper West Side of Manhattan then maybe you missed the horror story that unfolded yesterday evening, October 25th. The story of a mother who returned home with one of her children to find the other two had been killed by their nanny. I can tell you that no mother who heard the news slept very well last night, if at all. People keep saying that it's a mother's worst nightmare, but it's not true. Mothers' nightmares are made up of SIDS and choking and car accidents, as it is always unimaginable to have to live through the loss of a child, under any circumstances. But, even the darkest places of our subconscious don't allow us to delve into the horror that is now this family's reality.

This tragedy is so unfathomable, so far beyond what we can even begin to comprehend. And because of that, I understand that it is our natural instinct to try and find any way to prove to ourselves that this could never have happened to us. To find some shred of evidence that there is actually some reason why this happened to this family.

But, though I understand this tendency, I will not accept it. I will not allow the holier-than-thous out there to desecrate the memories of these children with their vicious words. I read this quote from the NY Times this morning and felt every muscle in my body tense up with anger.

"Horror immediately swept through online forums for parents. Urban Baby, a chat site with a heavy following among affluent Manhattan and Brooklyn mothers, lit up with comments and stinging criticism, with some questioning why some stay-at-home mothers need nannies and others arguing that mothers who choose to work are asking for trouble" 

This needs to stop and it needs to stop NOW. This incessant need to judge and criticize other mothers is bad enough when parents are made to feel bad about using an epidural or formula feeding or going back to work. But to suggest for even one moment that any mother, no matter how poor you think her choices are, somehow deserves to lose her children is completely outrageous and unbearably cruel.

The mommy wars stop here. There is nobody in the world who can understand the horror of this situation more than a mother. Our thoughts and our prayers and whatever else it is that we put out into the universe need to be with this family. We need to hug our children a little tighter and be thankful for all the things we have. We need to make a vow not to take anything in our lives for granted.

And beyond everything else, we need to be sure not to use this as an opportunity to be smug about what kind of mothers we are. This is a tragedy and tragedy can befall any of us at any moment. Being a wonderful mother is not the issue here. And besides, who cares if you are a good mother if you are a despicable human being?

My mind, body and soul are all in mourning for the Krim family. May you find some comfort in the days ahead and some light to help find your way through the unfathomable darkness.

The Problem with the "It Gets Better" Campaign

Let me start off by saying that I absolutely love the It Gets Better Project. For those unfamiliar, this campaign is a series of videos, spearheaded by Dan Savage, collecting stories from former victims of bullying. These individuals are now past their years of torment and they are reaching out to current sufferers to offer them the reassurance that it - life - does get better. These videos remind young people that the world they live in at this moment is a temporary and sheltered one. Though it can seem like hometown, USA is all there is, the world really does have much more to offer and the possibilities are truly endless on the other side of high school. It is a beautiful message and one that was and is desperately needed, particularly after a string of young gay men took their own lives in response to the merciless harassment they were being forced to endure. There is no question that this campaign has saved lives.

What, then, could possibly be the problem? Well, this is a parenting blog. I write this blog because I recognize that since the day I became a mother, I've begun looking at life through a different lens. And so I find myself wondering what the message of It Gets Better is to me, as a mother. On the one hand, there is the same positive application that exists for the young people it is geared towards. It provides us as parents with some comforting words to speak to our children if and when they are the victims of bullying. It allows us to acknowledge that their situation is awful and, without making excuses for it, reassure them that one day they will be out of the grips of their tormenters. It even may provide us with some relief to know that others like our children have not only survived, but that they are thriving.

On the other hand, however, I fear that the concept of "it gets better" may release us from our obligation to do something about this NOW. The point is that time marches on, circumstances change and situations will improve - all of which is true even if we do absolutely nothing. And while there is comfort in that notion - that no matter what, it won't be like this forever - I don't want to be absolved of my responsibility to work towards making the world a little safer for my son. I don't want children to think that bullying is just something they have to live with. I want to see the mothers and fathers, teachers and coaches continue to actively and unrelentingly fight against this epidemic.

I believe it is true that there will always be bullies. There will always be people who are insecure and who find their own self-worth in the degradation of others. There will also always be adults who are filled with ugly hatred and pass it down to their children as surely as they pass their genetic coding.  But that doesn't mean that we ever get to be complacent about it. The problem with "It Gets Better" is not in the campaign itself, it is in the way we may (mis)interpret it. We need to be careful not to confuse the light this project shines with the message that we must accept the darkness. Life will get better for children who are bullied, but the culture that exists in our schools and on our playgrounds will not if we do no't continue to wage war against it.