Monday, January 28, 2013

Why I'd Love to Sit Down and Chat With Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham has made quite a name for herself in the last year. As the writer, director, and star of the hit HBO show Girls, Dunham has been the focus of much critique over the last several months. While some of the commentary does manage to discuss the actual merits of her talent, an awful lot of it seems to be about one particular thing: her affinity for being naked. And more specifically, her affinity for being naked even though she does not have society's idea of a perfect body.

As a woman, it's been really interesting to watch this conversation unfold. There has always been an unspoken understanding in American culture that women whose bodies are deemed to be attractive are welcome, and even encouraged, to wear less clothing and those whose bodies are deemed to be less attractive (read: larger) should wear more. It's not necessarily something we talk about, but the general public seems to be collectively uncomfortable with the idea of a woman with real curves being naked. And even if they weren't, Dunham does an excellent job of putting herself in some of the least flattering positions and situations to really drive the point home.

I am utterly in awe of Lena Dunham. I have always been relatively confident about my body. I have never had much of an issue with self-esteem or my own sexuality. Inside the confines of my own bedroom, I have had no difficulty with being undressed. But I couldn't do what she does. I couldn't be that naked - that vulnerable - in front of that many people, and be that comfortable. Each time I watch one of Dunham's sex scenes I wonder how it is possible for her to be that willing and able to completely ignore society's parameters. I applaud her and I support her and I'm even grateful for what she's doing, but I don't understand how she's able to do it.

So what's my point? Why am I writing about this on a mom blog? What does this have to do with parenting? Well, quite possibly, everything. I don't know what kind of parents Lena Dunham has. And I don't know what her life experiences have been leading her to where she is today. But someone, somewhere made her feel like who she is is exactly who she's supposed to be. I want to know who did what for Lena Dunham that instilled her with this incredible and seemingly unshakeable confidence. I want to sit down with her for fifteen minutes and ask her how it is that she got to be the way she is.  I want to know what I can do for my own children that might lead them to a place where they are able to utterly ignore the opinions of almost everybody and just be themselves.

Say what you want about Lena Dunham, her mere existence is a win for humanity. I've always believed that no one can hurt us if we love ourselves enough, but I've never seen the point made more clearly than with Dunham. As a mother, my goal from the beginning has been to not just love my child(ren) but to help them love themselves. After watching Girls and the firestorm of reactions, I now, more than ever, understand why this is so very important.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Weight Does Not Just Fall Off!

I remember when I was pregnant one of the things I heard most often was that if I was planning to breastfeed I wouldn't have to worry about losing the baby weight. There seems to be this idea floating around that nursing makes the extra pounds magically fall off and that returning to pre-baby condition requires minimal work at best. I have come to realize in the years since I first heard this notion that not only is it completely false, it is also a terribly mean thing to tell women. It makes us feel like we are doing something wrong if we aren't shedding the baby weight faster. We feel disappointed (or worse) when we reach 3 months postpartum and are still not even close to fitting into our old jeans. And at a time in our lives with so many unknowns, when we have absolutely no idea what to expect, it is cruel to be given such blatant misinformation.

So let's get this out of the way now. The weight does NOT just fall off. It took 40 weeks to put all that weight on, it's unfair to think it should all be gone in 12. The first weeks after giving birth are chock full of all kinds of experiences. There are incredible highs and sometimes intense lows as well. Hormones are all out of whack and emotions are all over the place. There are so many things to focus on in those early days - getting enough sleep, getting the hang of nursing, and finding time to connect to a partner are all really important, not to mention the weeks it takes for the body to physically heal and recover. There just isn't time to make losing weight a priority, at least not right away.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that new mothers should eat unhealthy food or spend months not moving from the couch. In fact, it is a good idea for breastfeeding women to eat healthy and well-balanced meals to provide the most nutritious milk for their babies. And sometimes a nice walk around the block can go a long way for a woman's overall well-being. However, eating well may not lead to the rapid loss of weight that many women seem to expect. And sometimes healing takes longer than one might think, making it difficult to jump back into physical activity. Of course it is always a good idea to try and take good care of ourselves but it's important to make sure that our focus is on the right things - and weight loss is not the right thing.

As I say often, so much of what makes this initial postpartum time so difficult is how little people talk about the reality of what goes on. I truly believe that shedding light on some of these less-than-awesome aspects of the experience can help women significantly to manage expectations. We all know a woman or two who seemed to have lost her baby weight immediately after delivery. But to be fair, we also know a woman or two who can eat brownies and ice cream after dinner every night and never gain an ounce. Our bodies all work differently, so to compare our postpartum weight loss to our friends' - and to expect our own to be equally as simple - is a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment. Instead, remind yourself what an amazing process your body has just been through. Nine months of housing and caring for a growing fetus followed by hours of labor and eventual delivery. Your body is an absolute warrior. To thrust upon it a new goal of losing weight right away is borderline abusive.

Nature is a pretty incredible thing. Women's bodies were made to have babies. They were designed to put on extra weight during pregnancy and then to lose it when it's no longer needed. What we should be telling women who are expecting their first baby is to enjoy those first months of motherhood without worrying about what they look like.  To think of nothing else other than their baby's needs, adjusting to their new family dynamic, and learning the ins and outs of parenthood. Weight shouldn't be part of the conversation.

I do understand that returning to pre-baby size after delivery is a concern that expecting mothers have, and I don't mean to trivialize it. But understanding that this, like everything else in motherhood, is a process that takes time is crucial. Weight loss will come, but it will take some work and it probably won't happen right away. If more women knew this going in, and weren't being fed some line about breastfeeding being weight loss magic, then they could properly prepare themselves and be less distracted and disappointed when the baby comes, leaving them with more time to focus on the things that really matter.